Langkawi Beach Hash 
House Harriers

Subtitle

Scribe Report or "Mein K(r)ampf", run 553


The beginning:

True Halloween signs (orange memos attached to toilet paper, stapled to trees n bushes) led us to the gruesome start on the chinese cemetery.

A bunch of 26 or so, black and orange colored figures with cylinder hats, broom sticks, scary cat and pirate outfits and silly headgear formed the circle. Some even tried to scare by a scary hollow and dry Tuberculosis cough!

The Hares labelled the pack with name stickers to cover up for their ongoing dementia for names. And finally, when the scent of aged camembert filled the air, as French Tart took off her shoes in order to drink out of them for having new laces......it was clearly time to run!     C'est degolace!


The Run: 

Along lush greenery, crystal clear streams, waterfalls, abundant, colorful wildlife, an amazing view onto the blue ocean......... ok, stop dreaming, time to get real!

It went straight downhill!, What do you expect on Halloween!? Stylishly marked (See above), the trail led us to the main road where we passed the fish farms, some restaurants and the waterworks.

The hare made us carry lots of water to make the subsequent steep hill climb more memorable, or more exhausting because of the additional weight? 

However, this planned highlight was quickly overcome by Sauerkrauts talented demo on: "how to touch up your bloody Halloween outfit in 2 seconds". 

With an artistic pirouette she skidded on a gravel patch and fell expertly, skinning her almost to the bone. The following runners quickly removed her into a nearby drain to accommodate all the oozing blood and worked shifts to comfort the fallen Angel. That is, not to let the Kraut get overly Sauer till the rescue vehicle arrived. The more or less Sauer Krauts & Entourage changed into a Merc. to get her some stitches and some ugly, unfashionable bandages. 

Later, all of them turned up for dinner with a large grin, as if nothing had happened. 

And that, I call, the true Hash spirit! IMHO Sauerkraut = Hash Hero!

Unanimously agreed, the run was a well marked one, well chosen, though, instead of bloody Sauerkraut we should have had a Bloody Mary! Room for improvement!


The Circle: 

Trish, a Newcomer was introduced to the circle, thereafter various notorious returners were called in, some same old miscreants who still can't get their priorities right. A Horny executioner, who’s splashing speed fell in disgrace was replaced by a protesting pussycat, at times grumpily splashing her liquid marks all over the place. Who said life is fair?

With his orange hat, the illustrious GM looked schmock, like a wrongly designed traffic pillion, and similarly stood his ground in the pack. Firstly, charging them Irish blood for introducing Halloween and its habits to the world, second for the Scottish to follow such nonsense. Apparently the Scottish womenfolk hang a wet sheet before the fire and identify the picture of their future husband in it. 

Real beauty up there in Scotland, hey? If they all look like drying and crumbled rags, I wonder if Tartan Tart hopes to identify her beauty, a dried up rag face, here, in the Circle?


What else? The GM provided more insight into historic Halloween, but I spare you the details. Johnny Walker was victim of the GM's gay fantasies again, the Hash Hero deservedly went to Worm the Hare, for his relentless efforts on this well done theme run. 

The Turd went deservedly to Early Bird, though the reasons escape me. But, that doesn't matter a bit, as she picks up all kinds of s#@$ anyways and loves to drive the worst ones around in her car.

A new Hasher, who was made to cum on the Hash by "Dane in the Arse", was christened "Phil my Arse" – an imagination arrived from a creamy “Danish Pastry”? 

{Pls. stay focused here, ok? We are almost through!!!}

Nevertheless, I increasingly worry about all these "backside" fantasies........


The Hash bisnes (mal.): 

- Frothcoming, a "Hareline" was introduced, searching for- and making sure that we have Hares for the following runs to avoid volunteer "discrepancies". JW is the first hareline and will be after (not behind) you, for sure! (Hefty bribes for avoidances can be considered.......... upfront…..)

- Wine and Dine -or - Whine and Dine? A toilet paper vote of BYO or BOX wine was conducted, with the vast majority favoring BYO. 

So, from now onwards, bring your own bloody wine or simply drink the gud ol beer. And that even comes cheaper, for now only 30 RM a head. 

So, no Premier Grand Crue(l), no "mis(ery) en bouteille" from the Hash any more.....BYO........till further notice!


The Food: 

Turmeric Spice in Pekan Rabu was the restaurant of choice, and it was a good one. 

The hosts played along Halloween, with scary bat and pumpkin decorations. 

The food was very tasty, but the portions were not scary -at all-, presumably bearing our health in mind, thks for looking after us!

Last but not least however, everything was topped with a generous free-bee mix of chocolates and other goodies.


The End:

Overall a very nice Hash, a lot of effort went into fitting all under the Halloween theme.

Well done Hares! 


ON ON!

Johnny Walker


Upcuming runs:

14th Nov - Run 553, Hares: Mette Hari and her Arse

28th Nov - Run 555, Hares: Johnny Walker 

12th Dec - Run 556, Hares: Lin bin defuzzed and (patched up) Sauerkraut

26th Dec - Run 557, Hares: Last chance to book your run for this year! Book it now!




Run 552- Full report – Unabridged version.


We met up close to the now disused but still very picturesque Water World not far from the flying school at around 5.30, it had been raining heavily but was now fine and sunny. Somebody obviously was watching over us.

Our honourable Grand Master  formed the circle and welcomed our ragged bunch to run 552. 

The Hares Jaws and Gold Dicker loosely described the run  as a runners run, an easy run, mostly flat and uninteresting,  marked out tastefully with toilet paper some if which may be brown stained – due of course to the rain. Jaws as usual did most of the talking with Gold Dicker just adding the odd expletive.

There were sixteen attended of varying motile abilities and an average age estimated in the high tee’s but all of course running like mid teens.

Off we set headed towards Perdana/Laguna, my apartment looked as good as Perdana can look in the setting sunlight,  later crossing the main road and towards Pdg Matsirat. A right turn took us towards the airport then right again and the road wended it’s way back to the start point. That basically was the end  of our excitement for a couple of weeks.

The scribe, along with several other equally gifted intellectuals, walked behind the Hare and therefore had no need to constantly search for stained toilet paper.

Back at base those few who had run were downing water or 100 plus, Tartan Tart was decidedly pink, despite the lack of her pink bra and Wining Fag Hag was already on her third wine and twelfth ciggy.

Honourable Grand Master called the circle way before we had all finished exchanging polite quips with each other and for that reason this poor soul was elected as scribe.

Anyway, let bygones be bygones – on on.

Executioner – King Penguin

Newcomer – Our friend  Gary from Tasmania 

The group commented on the run – Too short, too easy, too much cow shit  but well marked. Etc, etc. 

Wining Fag Hag was  kindly invited to sit on the ice despite having offered the Grand Master her body – which she felt was grossly unfair, but so did the Grand master.

There were no new shoes  

No virgins.

More returners than non - returners thus clearly demonstrating the magnetic charm of our Grand Master.

One naming ceremony – Lisa the Swedish lone yatchswoman.  She described herself in glowing terms and then her friend Made on a Train stepped in to add his own comments thus  destroying the aura,  mentioning that she started life as a cartographer.

After much deliberation and consideration she was given the name of ‘wherethefuckawi’  by an overwhelming majority.

It was a very touching ceremony. 

Tartan Tart was called in for not wearing her pink bra claiming it had been stolen from the back seat of her car. The Grand Master offered to buy a new  one. The size was discussed but he claimed we all very familiar with her size  – 2 BSH. (2 British Standard Handfulls)  of course had Scotland gained independence the nomenclature would have changed to 2 SSH, although the average Scottish hand is slightly larger due to fingers constant twiddling with bagpipe flutes.

On, On…..

There was one heinous crime …… accused and convicted of being gay, Johnnie Walker took his medicine like a real lady. 

Tartan Tart and Lyn Bin Defuzzed were called to sit on ice for missing the last Hash dinner.  They both claimed diplomatic impurity but were fined anyway.

The Grand master reminded us that on this day in 1967, Hair was first performed in London with people going naked on stage for the first time, (sadly no U tube then)   and on this day several hundred years ago there was a beer flood where numerous volunteers drank themselves to death on the banks of the Thames, but that is an almost daily event in today’s liberated society .

Next run is Halloween and the Hare is Worm

The circle finished with the rousing hymn -  Swing Low  -  brilliantly conducted by king Penguin and  Arse with  GM  accompanying on the bass fart. 

On On …

To Shin Mei where a very good meal was enjoyed by all, except for the other poor guests who had chosen to eat there that night!


Maid in China 






RUN 551


The call to form a circle was attempted by Bugshifter who failed miserably despite help from  Jaws who can throw her voice a looong way.  I since learned she was a teacher so that explains that.  What was the holdup?  It was just  Lyn Bin Defuzzed, Tartan Tart getting  bikes off the car, applying lippy and generally sprucing up for the occasion.  What’s a little lost time between friends?

Eventually things got going at the meeting point at the Colonial Hotel construction site in P. Tengah.  – GM was Bugshifter, Hares were Small Ball Cock and French Tart and Larsole was Executioner.

 Run #551 which was actually a bike ride so GM made a call for a drink from a helmet (for the sin of her newish bike)  instead of a drink from new shoes.  Lin Bin Defuzzed  downed the beer in fine Kiwi style and then we all were away with some doing a beach walk instead of a ride.

An hour or so later  two of the groups were back but alas no sign of Speedo and his followers. Turns out Speedo tried to lose them in the dark by turning a short cut into a long  cut.  Luckily they can ride as fast as him.  Visitors were Kevin no name and someone I think may be Shane?  No returners which means they actually got a life.  Speedo was targeted for his tactics and Tartan Tart  just because some  people wanted to see a red  bra. Again.  

The 3  Kiwis, Kevin, Lyn Bin Defuzzed and your fine scribe Bigapist were punished for just being born in the right place AND for the Kiwis giving the Wallabies their usual wallaping (kiwi term) in the Bledisloe Cup. That’s rugby in case you’re lost here.  The Kiwis have thrashed the Aussies for 12 years despite the Kiwi team  being offered large bribes and match fixing arrangements by BugShifter.  I understand Bugshifter is now living under a bridge somewhere licking his wounds, no food, no money left……

A renaming ceremony was also called by Adrian De Turd who was so pissed on his last hash he thought it was hilarious to offer the name of BumBoy to his (then) 13 year old son.The boy has been in therapy ever since.   But thanks to SmallBallCock who has obviously been in therapy himself and identifies with emotional pain, Jackson was renamed JackAss.  JackAss gave this the big thumbs-up and downed a non alcoholic beverage to sign himself in. 

The gathering ended in bucketing rain which didn't seem to worry anybody; much less the GM, who narrowly avoided an accusation of favouritism towards Lady Bugger, who should have been punished for various crimes, including being a short cutter and eating ice creams along with other SCB's


Some of us had  to leave straight afterwards to find more interesting company but the rest of us downed loads of delicious food at Fat Mums, drank beer and wine  and had a great time.

Hares for next time are Jaws and Gold Dicker.


Un, Un  (kiwi for On, On)

Bigapist.








RUN 550



HARES  Bug Shifter and Lady Bugger


GM  Small Ball cock


ATTENDANCE  15



The group met in the car park opposite the Agro Park. This was very apt because of the agro that would later ensue. Sadly many regulars were absent. They were off enjoying themselves rather than Hashing. They will suffer sometime in the future for this selfish behavour. But there were several returners to boost our number.


The GM called the circle and soon found a pair of new(ish) shoes. These were worn by Peter Layman later to be called something else as this was his third run. The Hares, Bug Shifter and the vacant (this will be explained later), Lady Bugger set us on our way.


We ran, walked and ambled along the lake until the small road, then we ran, walked and ambled on the other side of the lake.  Suddenly Maew and Larsole appeared in front of us. Obviously SCBs. They would suffer later! It was a cool evening and a thoroughly pleasant run - like Hare Bug Shifter, short but perfectly formed.


We returned to base and soon after we saw Lady Bugger leading a group of walkers coming back the wrong way. How could such a thing happen? Her fellow Hare and loyal husband, Bug Shifter explained this when dobbing her in later.


After discussing the meaning of life, (why would people not know what this word meant?), the circle reformed. We all agreed that it was a fine run. Bug Shifter answered 'the lack of arrows' critisism by explaining that he didn't know what they were and how to use them. Maybe we should let Aussies use boomerangs instead? He also explained Lady Buggers lack of knowledge of the trail she set. This was because she set in the car while he set the trail. She was punished severely – pipes and the 'chilly chair'.


Larsole was our fine Executioner as always and soaked himself well – obviously used to self abuse.


The usual suspect Returners, Short Cutters (Maew and Larsole) were dealt with. Tartan Tart was toasted and watered in celebration of Scotland's 'NO' vote to independence. French Tart took Tartan Tart's place for the Tart soaking event, but no visible red bra!


There was endless chitter-chatter so people were up and down, like a whore's drawers, in the chilly chairs. Then three naming: The family group of Peter, Maew and Baipo. They will now and forever be known as Pussy Liquour, Pink Pussy and Kitty Litter. 


Jaws was invited into the centre for a down down as her namesake, the actor Peter Kiel from the James Bond movies had recently died. Then all lady Hashers came into the centre for a test. Not a pregnancy test but to answer a simple question. On this day, September 19, 1893 a country allowed women to vote, the first to do so – which country? Each lady was asked individually and then punished when they got it wrong. Of course I asked Lin bin Defuzzed last.


Bug Shifter was voted Hash Hero for setting the run after setting after setting the previous run. Lady Bugger was awarded the missing Hash Turd for setting in the car.


We regrouped at the Royal Krathong in Kuah for dinner. Gold Dicker who is in a constant state of confusion as to where anything is, probaly including his Dicker, had to be told where Kuah was. It was a fine dinner. The highlight was a reverse dob. Earlier, Bug Shifter had proudly announced that he and Lady Bugger had quit smoking (for the 107th time) and had not had an oily rag for at least 4 hours! Towards the end of dinner she pointed him out to all of us. He was slumped over a table outside the restaurant with the gay chef having a smoke. This was obviously post sex. He was severely abused by all, specially LB who was furious. Of course, when our strong back-boned Aussie Hasher, Bug Shifter says he is going to do something we know it is all BS.


ON, ON YER BASTARDS!


Small Ball Cock



Hash Words    Run 549


The circle started with GM flexing his GM muscle, picking out hashers according to his whim of the moment.

Hash Rule no: 1 - The GM is always right even when he/she is sooo totally wrong.

New Shoes:  Connielingus had to drink out of her shoe with her sock inside for arguing with GM, + a virgin to keep her company.

Hares – Early Bird + Bug Shifter

The run – pleasant rice fields and a nice long mini tar road across mangrove swamps

A mystery check got stuffed up by the hares for putting it in the line of sight of the eskis. They caught a few greenies but the veterans did not fall for it. The Hares got the hash shit for that.

Visitors – a few

Returners – a few with Tartan Tart arguing to missing just 2 runs instead of 3 but GM was not having any.

Hash Shits

2 poor virgins got done with a coconut down down.

Regis the Celtic Frog, was making a concerted effort to hog the iced naughty chair by talking. He was  either a slow learner, got big balls that needed shrinking fast, tired legs or all 3.  

Connielingus tried hard to oust him from the chair but with not much success. 

Volker confessed to having a tight screw after an all night party.  Lucky bugger. Hash shit for him too for bragging.

A hapless hasher, for staying quiet and doing everything right.

At one point of the shout up, there were more people in the circle than outside, for exercising their jaws, to GM’s disgust. They were duly punished with a cooling down and a drink each. Our lone executioner was having a hard time trying to get to everybody. He doused the misdemeanours with icy water without giving them a chance to finish their drinks within a prescribed time. He was not about to let them off without getting wet.

I have no idea what had happened to Hash Heroes or Hash Turd. By that time I was on the way to being non Compos Mentis.

Then off to a fish and chips feast. The rest of the evening was spent in the usual way..... hazy.

On on - Jaws




Scribe Report Run # 548



HARES  Swiss Tosser and Johnny Walker (aka German Tosser)


GM  Small Ball Cock


ATTENDANCE  16



WARNING TO READERS!  My bloody spill chek on this computer is not working.


It was a fine barmy afternoon when we gathered at the Hash site at Bucket Lamboo. The evening would get even barmier as it went on. The site was beautiful, a mini Stonehinge with grass that would have dun Wimbledon proud and not a single peace of cow poo!


The circle was called. I am not sure what it was called, maybe it was called Rosemary? Two Italian Virgins were evident. They were evident by being about a quarter of anybody else's age. The next thing evident were Sore Bum's new shoes. To the centre and one shoe filled with H2O – water to those hignorant bastards. It was now that it became evident that the shoes were cheap Chinky imports, or at least the right one was because it leaked water as faster than an Indonesian ferry.


Hares tried to explain the run but failed miserably so we ambled orf. And I mean ambled, I've seen quicker moving funeral coutages. The trail was marked by the new toilet system which uses loo paper. The only diference is that we don't staple toilet paper to our arses when in the bathroom. Soon we were climbing vertiigo slopes and crossing barbed wire (an old German joke). But things improved when we returned to the road and went round the paddys (Irish rice fields). I couple of us youngsters (under 70s) even broke into a run. This put us at risked for braking other things.


It was a very pretty track round the padis but any idiot admiring the scenery while crossing the padi risked breaking an ankle. Miraculously, all idiots got back safely. As it was a flat run we were quite spead out, from the German and Italian sprinters to the French and Eritrean amblers.


The GM called Rosemary. Everybody wanted to do the Scribe - NOT! That is why I am doing it. But Black Label leaped forward to become executioner. She made a pathetic atempt to execute herself so we had an action replay. Water actually penetrated the thick mass of hair. And lots more water would be penetrating the thick mass standing around.


Living up to her name, Wining Fag Hag and Bug Shifter were offered the Chilly Chairs for smoking in the circle. This is the same Bug Shitter that gave up smoking a couple of weeks ago. Thank god for Aussie will power.


The run was voted excellent so ST and JW were rewarded with beer and water. The young Virgins, Franco and Guilia were quicky dealt with as it was long past their bed time. Returners were next to be punished. But only one returner, your long-suffering GM, Small Ball Cock got soaked. This is where Black Label made a huge miss take. For the next 10 minutes it became the Johnny Walker/Black Label show. They took it in turns to soak one another. For what reason I am not sure. But who needs reasons?


We had a minutes silent drinking as it was national morning day for flight MH17.


Jaws was punished for animal abuse. She crushed the GM's pet leech between her Bristol Cities. Gold Dicker had attempted to find the poor beast down her shirt but got carried away and headed futher south towards the Promised Land. Spot the diference between a leech and a lech.


French Tart was called to the centre as she an iminent birthday. No French champagne just Malay water. Seamen Stains thought this was a nudist colon and undressed accordingly so he was punished.


Hash hero was Early Bird for something she did for the inviroment. God nose what? And the Hash Turd has been missing in action for some weeks now and I am not sure who got it for what if at all.


Bug Shifter and Worm volentired to be Hares for the next run. Two Aussies? It will probably be a pub crawl.


We dined at Cactus, a new venue and jolly good it was to. Brave Johnny Walker tried to initiate a wine tasting. Everyone seemed to vote for every wine apart from Wining Fag Hag who only drinks Drostdy Hoff. This is because cos it comes in handy 50 litres packs.


Another great Hash, well dun Hares.


ON, ON YER BASTARDS!


Tall Ball Cock








Scribe Report Run # 548

GM Johnny Walker

Hares. Jaws and Goldicker

Executioner Worm.

Crew, a very excited if not a little bored 13 Hashers that obviously

could not find something better to do.

The crew were called together by the GM [standing on the beer fridge]

for a short arm inspection, sorry should read shoe inspection. As there

were no new shoes the Hares were asked to explain details of the run

and the pitfalls of not following the clearly marked with toilet paper

trail [did I read that right I hear you say] Yes, Poo paper and hench

forth the crew will be referred to as the Poo Patrol.

Well, with a lot of noisy horns blowing and excited giggles the Poo

Patrol set of to follow the paper trail and this very confused bunch of

Hashers became more confused by the fact that some of the locals had

either removed the Poo paper or rearranged it to lead us in the wrong

direction. We knew what was going on as every time we became

disoriented by the removal of the toilet paper, we could hear the

giggles of the perpetrators who were hiding behind trees . Further into

the trail some members of the Poo Patrol became lost as they took the

wrong track due to the removal of a strip of slightly used paper,[more

on this later] Bugshifter was very upset and would later use section 8

article 14 of the Poo Patrol regulations to exact his revenge. One of

the Patrol who shall remain nameless having been caught short used

some of the paper and left some trailing out of their clothes which

made it difficult to follow this moving trail of toilet paper. The Lost

Poo Patrol did eventually find its way back and in the true tradition of

having overcome difficulties that most intelligent people would find

ridiculous celebrated with a well earned beer or three.

Once again the GM mounted his beer fridge to call the group to order

and deal out some punishment purely for entertainment purposes [his

mainly].

First the Executioner was appointed and your intrepid scribe got the

job and duly iced himself, then the Hares were called to have their

toilet trail critiqued, most of the group agreed that the toilet paper idea

was a good one as it could serve 2 purposes, one of which you are

familiar, and the other - well trail marking obviously. The Hares

missed punishment because they are seasoned drinkers and were far

too fast for the executioner.

There was only one visitor, Regis from Brittainy and he also was too

fast for the ice water Ah, these frogs know how to drink! Next the

returners were called to face the ridicule of the GM for thinking that

more important things existed apart from the Hash, Speedo, Sorebum,

Swisstosser, Early bird and Worm were executed and again most

avoided the water, its obvious that the drinking skills of the group are

surpassing the executioners speed.

Regis from Brittainy was called back to be punished for inappropriate

footware [thongs] he should have been commended for completing

the run in thongs, he was duly executed by having iced water poured

over his feet Ha! gotcha that time.

Bugshifter, who was the victim of the removal of an important piece

of Poo paper causing him to go the wrong way was also punished but

then the GM made a very serious error of judgement by holding up

the missing piece of paper and asking the Hares why it appeared that

the paper had been used because it had green marks on it. This act of

Bastardry by removing an important piece of the trail marking

contravened article 12 section 3 of the Hares handbook and the GM

was made to step down from his lofty perch and face the full force of

the ice bucket. 

 Bugshifter then did the only decent thing seen on the

day by dobbing in his wife for neglecting her guard duties while the

Hashers were out on course, evidently she spent the time texting. She

was duly punished.

There is a very exciting Hash being held in Vietnam. It,s called

Nash Hash 2014 and will be held on the weekend of 24-26 of

October 2014. Details of this great weekend are available by

going to www.nhatranghash.com.

The Poo Patrol then repaired to an excellent establishment on the

junction of the roads to Pentai Tengah and Pentai Cenang called

something like Heine Ein Tai restaurant where a magnificent feast was

served with much wine and beer consumed. Congratulations to Jaws

and Goldicker for a great Hash.


Next hares to be advised.

On On Worm. [Poets licence and all the usual disclaimers apply]



Scribe Report 546

 Herewith report from the learned Bugshifter:

 The tribe gathered under power lines just off Jalan Ayer Hangat near the Indian Temple.

 At or near to the appointed time all formed up for the usual haranguing from GM Smallballcock. New shoes were discovered on Thierry, suffice to say he enjoyed (not) drinking beer from one.

 Present were 28 hardy (foolish) souls:

Teaser Knoknob

Jaws

Gold Dicker

Wining Fag Hag

Meno and Lose (Visitors from Netherlands)

Bugshifter

Linda

Kelly

Debbie Does Dallas

Red Label

Smallballcock

French Tart

Thierry

Severine

Emma

Josephine

Victor

Jeanne (3 YO!)

Yods

Rigga Mortis

Feelapenis

Bunga Bunga

Andrew

Gearbox Fucker

Black Label

Johnny Walker

BL and JW were the Hares who set a good run and walk.

 At the finish of the run and walk, the tribe staggered into a sort of circle where the customary humilities were visited on those unlucky enough to be singled out by our illustrious GM:

 Visitors - Meno and Lose plus the triathletes

Andrew and Bunga Bunga for coming in first (a heinous crime)

 Naming:

 Linda became Lady Bugger

Yods became Sheetfarter

 SBC reminded us that on this date (25 August) in 1680 France declared war on Britain. (Funny, I thought that war had been going for centuries before then and was ongoing to this day)

 After consumption of gallons of wine and beer the tribe adjourned to Angela's Curry House in Kuah where a bumper feast and more beverages were enjoyed by all.

 Next run will be 8th August; directions to come from whoever the Hares are.

 On On Bugshifter

 


 

 

Scribe Report 545

Venue Matsirat

Hares Tartan Tart 99 pct and WFH 1 pct brought 1 sign

 

21 hashers turned up oops we did not expect this in low season but great

TT besides setting the trail with lots of flour this because of the 3 Cs (Children/Cows/Chickens)

also acted as a live hare unbelievable if you ask me…….

What I heard it was a great run, but was too busy sorting out the admin

Oh now talking about that it seems there is some confusion about youngsters participating

Run/meal 25 for all run only 15 meal only (WFH) 35………….

The circle was a little bit different this time as Small Ball Cock wanted to take a break and of all people chose WFH to act as GM a decision he most probably regrets forever

WFH a truly girlfriend person had the time of her life coming up with whatever crime she could invent punishing only male hashers.  She tried to change SBCs name into No Balls Small Cock by keeping him on ice for the whole session. Please tell us how long it took to recover…….

I am afraid I do not have many male friends after this but who needs a man with so many girlfriends

Off we went to Shin Mi were we had a great time at least I had.

Hares for next run the lovely Walker/Label

WFH

 

 
 
 
 

Scribe Report 544

 Welcome to this first report by your new Scribe - to be henceforth known as Bugshifter.

 The tribe met and gathered in various forms at the appointed place - somewhere near Kampung Temoyong at 5:30ish on the 27th June 2014

GM Small Ballcock welcomed the assembled in his own peculiar way and the Role Call was as follows:

Hares - SBC and French Tart

Executioner- TartanTart

Wining Fag Hag

Peter (yet to be named) M

Maew (I think yet to be named)

Maew's granddaughter Bai'Po

Johnny Walker

Swiss Tosser

Jaws and Gold Dicker

Sore Bum and Speedo

Yours Truly and Lady Taylor (or so she wishes to be named!)

A motley crew indeed!

The run (WALK) was a repeat of a previous one through lovely bush and along a beach, then up a low hill and back along a road.

One the weary tribe reassembled, GM SBC proceeded to harangue all present and subject them to the punishments that were their just deserts as follows:

Peter and Maew for being silly in that they wore pink, had a little pink car which unbelievably had its rear window adorned with pink fluffy toys.

Johnny Walker - Boasted that he did the run in 25minutes.

Wining Fag Hag  - For being a Dutch non running smoking drinker - all serious crimes save the last.

Swiss Tosser - For wearing ridiculous shoes.Jaws and Gold Dicker for not getting wet; as were Sore Bum and Speedo.

Tartan Tart - For being Tartan Tart but also for wearing a non-red bra.

Wining FH and yours truly for having the audacity to be chatting while the GM was in mid-harangue mode.

Somebody had birthday and we toasted that; the brave souls who will be fasting for Ramadan were toasted in commiseration; it was noted that even after the end of their ordeal they still won't be able to have a drink! Poor buggers.

The assembled party then dragged their weary souls to Fat Mum's at P Tengah for another of FM's wonderful meals; much alcohol was consumed and we all got taxis home - didn't we? 

Next run will be the 11th July and the Hares will be Wining Fag Hag and Tartan Tart. 

On On Bugshifter

 

 


The tribe met and gathered in various forms at the appointed place - somewhere near Kampung Temoyong at 5:30ish on the 27th June 2014

GM Small Ballcock welcomed the assembled in his own peculiar way and the Role Call was as follows:

Hares - SBC and French Tart

Executioner- TartanTart

Wining Fag Hag

Peter (yet to be named) M

Maew (I think yet to be named)

Maew's granddaughter Bai'Po

Johnny Walker

Swiss Tosser

Jaws and Gold Dicker

Sore Bum and Speedo

Yours Truly and Lady Taylor (or so she wishes to be named!)

A motley crew indeed!

The run (WALK) was a repeat of a previous one through lovely bush and along a beach, then up a low hill and back along a road.

One the weary tribe reassembled, GM SBC proceeded to harangue all present and subject them to the punishments that were their just deserts as follows:

Peter and Maew for being silly in that they wore pink, had a little pink car which unbelievably had its rear window adorned with pink fluffy toys.

Johnny Walker - Boasted that he did the run in 25minutes.

Wining Fag Hag  - For being a Dutch non running smoking drinker - all serious crimes save the last.

Swiss Tosser - For wearing ridiculous shoes.Jaws and Gold Dicker for not getting wet; as were Sore Bum and Speedo.

Tartan Tart - For being Tartan Tart but also for wearing a non-red bra.

Wining FH and yours truly for having the audacity to be chatting while the GM was in mid-harangue mode.

Somebody had birthday and we toasted that; the brave souls who will be fasting for Ramadan were toasted in commiseration; it was noted that even after the end of their ordeal they still won't be able to have a drink! Poor buggers.

The assembled party then dragged their weary souls to Fat Mum's at P Tengah for another of FM's wonderful meals; much alcohol was consumed and we all got taxis home - didn't we? 

Next run will be the 11th July and the Hares will be Wining Fag Hag and Tartan Tart. 

On On Bugshifter

 

 




Scribe Report 543

 BE IT KNOWN - This particular occasion was NOT just another Hash Run, not just another  gathering of drinkers with a running problem and runners with a drinking problem.

This RUN #543 was indeed to commemorate the 20 year Anniversary of the Langkawi Beach Hash House Harriers! 12 June 1994 - 13 June 2014!

It deserves a better Scribe than I - but too bad - you got this Scribe and here we go!

On this extra special run, this auspicious occasion,  it needs to be scribed the Hashers that Hashed  a total of 36 keen HHH’s — hence, here below and herewith - the ROLL CALL - THE list of Hashers, and newbies, first timers and other relatives and whatever excuse they had to participate  who made this historic RUN #543!

-    Be it known and emphasised or forever we would regret not to make this special mention - this RUN wasalso graced with the attendance of main and original of founding members- PAK GURU!

In random order, no order of importance nor priority nor preference:

1.    Arse

2.    King Penguin

3.    Slow Suck

4.    Pak Guru - Founding Member

5.    Larshole

6.    Mette Hari

7.    Small Ball Cock

8.    French Tart

9.    Sore Bum

10.  Speedo-

11.  Worm

12.  Early Bird

13.  Rigorous Mortis

14.  FeelaPenis-

15.  Jaws

16.  Gold Dicker - Named on this run!

17.  Cunning Linguist

18.  Party Pooper - Named on this run!

19.  Dirty Blonde

20.  Dirty Old Man

21.  ? - Scott's Russian Girlfriend

22.  ? Cute Filipino Guy

23.  ? Cute Filipino guy's girlfriend

24.  Paolo

25.  Siemens Stains

26.  Debby Does Dallas

27.  Johnny Walker

28.  Black Label

29.  Dane in the Ass - Named on this run!

30.  Phil

31.  Finish

32.  Horny

33.  Bunga- Bunga

34.  Fucking Fag Hag

35.  Made on a Train

36.  Liza

Hashers as above came from near and far, by road and by foot. One was reported to be coming by helicopter, however, they experienced technical difficulties.

All hurried and scurried and fought their way to a large table, especially set up for this special history celebrating run, where lay displayed the various sizes of t-shirts, expertly designed by our honoured and creative GM, Small Ball Cock, (thinks he’s as clever as his Hash name)

 - yes,  the t-shirts! Fashioned with care and attention of special “breathable” fabric, black in colour, so sensible for the tropics,  clearly commemorating this auspicious RUN, #543 the 20th Anniversary LBHHH!

 Finally, with all having donned their new commemorative t-shirt,  the GM was able to gather the unruly, excitable group back to the area for the ‘circle, uniquely located in the beautiful private and secluded parkland of this Run’s Hare’s estate.

GM, Small Big Cock, took the centre “stage” as usual, as protocol demands, smack in middle of the haphazardly and strangely formed ‘circle’, right on the fore-shores of Tanjung Rhu. The sun was quickly making its way to the horizon across the sea,  on this far north reach of the Malacca Straits. GM, Small Big Cock, loves the sound of his own voice and with that quickly brought silence and order, temporarily,  to commence the ‘official’ proceedings, not quite to the book of rules it seems, however, as always entertaining.

 First up of course was to welcome all who bothered to turn up and then proceeded to call an extra special Hasher to step into the circle and be recognised - Pak Guru, main and original founder of the truly original LBHHH Chapter; GM touching on words eluding to Pak Guru’s dedication of many years and of his promotion, and surely instrumental role in ensuring the longevity of the Langkawi Beach Hash House Harriers Chapter.

 Pak Guru managed to get a few interesting and coherent sentences out to the attentive Hashers,  then was cut short on his speech,  as was needed, due to it was looking like warming up to be a three chapter oral book on the beginning days and antics of the Langkawi Beach HHH’s and the years of interesting history that followed. Little move sideways at this point - Perhaps it’s time to arrange a few interviews with Pak Guru, get the many stories of people and events recorded, from his vast memories and ramblings,  and put a little book together - “LBHHH - the Golden Early Years.” (With the warning “Not a children’s book).

 GM posed the question of “what was everyone was doing on 12th June, 1994, could they remember?”  - few were able to recall of course, except for Pak Guru, he knew what he was doing, the very first LBHHH RUN #1!   Few able to recall what they did yesterday, let alone in 1994!

 Scribe and Executioners were nominated and the positions accepted gracefully, at least on the surface of things. Executioners were… umm… did I see Horny armed with schooners of icy cold water?

 Visitors and Returners were given some recognition - briefly, as the sun was moving quickly towards that horizon. So… Moving along - some mention of Deserters, that’s not Desserters, though the names of the offenders are very sweet - Tartan Tart and French Tart it seemed were accused of desertion, not dessertion. Tartan Tart was not present - excuse was Scotland had no flights out.

 The usual excuses were given on behalf of those other Hashers of this HHH Chapter, who couldn’t make this run for one unreasonable reason or another  -  none of them were forgiven and will be punished severely on their next LBHHH run turn up.

 Proceedings moved on and Early punishments were ordered by our GM, Small Big Cock.

Much to the GM’s disappointment,  there were NO NEW SHOES observed or detected, however, GM quickly spied two men who were wearing absolutely, undoubtedly,  VERY SILLY SOCKS! This was unanimously echoed by the entire circle of Hashers. The names of the hashers in this case has been intentionally omitted to protect the guilty. Appropriate punishment was executed with the usual, yet reasonable, verbal abuse from the GM and a ceremonious ‘down-down’ followed.

 Further punishments followed which included those who were accused and found guilty of chattering, yes, private conversations were being carried on around the circle during the official proceedings that were preceding the run! Shock and horror!  The GM, Small Big Cock, came down with full force, as GM’s are entitled and obliged to do, with the accused, Debby Does Dallas and Slow Suck, if memory serves,  being physically forced into small, plastic ice- covered chairs, placed in centre of circle and another ceremonious ‘down down’ was successfully enacted and painfully but bravely endured.

 The time ticked on as the sun was moving even faster towards it’s usual setting location.  This Run’s Hares, Arse and King Penguin, took to the middle and got busy to explain, brief, the ‘TRAIL’. Included and mentioned:  Run took the poorly Hashers through Village, bush, mountain and beach, an excellent and varied trail, with some very dangerous roadside sections. With King Penguin having vast experience in setting challenging gruelling courses, as he once was actually with the forces, (that rhymes by the way), surprisingly, or not when all considered,  it was announced that although the trail began as one, and finished as one, be it known at a point that will surely be obvious, so kind, the trail will indeed fork, giving two choices - one for the ‘runners’ and one for the ‘walkers’! Marked R and W - how strange!

 This unusual act of kindness and thoughtfulness, which obviously meant extra work and planing required by the Hares, is partially in respect of those who indeed were only capable of a run, some physically and others due to mental incapacities,  and others, well quite frankly due to both, even a walk was somewhat risky. 

 Indeed,  all Hashers agreed on the Walk and Run options, were adequately pleased with this plan of a trail from one to two and back to one,  as all preferred to arrive back at the circle around about the same time and certainly before the next day or other option was some to not arrive back at all!  - Super Great call, well done to the Hares,  King Penguin and Arse! — (Quietly to mention already many of the Hashers were heading to geriatric status back ten years ago, so imagine this circle on this occasion. Besides, No one was prepared nor keen for a CPR situation, most importantly, no one wishing to spoil the fun. )

 This Scribe was a little delayed in departure for the trail for reasons that will seem trivial and will not be mentioned here; whilst trying to ‘catch up’ at least to walkers, this Scribe ran into local gardener’s wife, who stopped the Scribe for a chat. Meanwhile the remaining Hashers were well on their way on the trail/s, through village, bush, mountains, before finally the ‘front runners’ were on the final leg of the run trail, which took them along the picturesque Pasir Hitam, Black Sand Beach; runners, and soon to be followed by ‘walkers’, were quickly making their way towards the finish point, the final Circle.  Meanwhile, The Scribe had found the trail which led to the main road - one lonely ‘walker’ was encountered, Pak Guru; the best interest of all was to join Pak Guru and move directly to make the best and quickest way, on or off the official trail, to the beach and so to the finish - mainly for fear of missing the proceedings at the circle, more the fear of running out of beer!

Let it be here noted, that the final ‘challenge’ of the trail was across a shallow creek that spilled out onto the beach. No one took advantage of the floating large polystyrene, or the nearby boats, and so for the most, Hashers waded and stumbled across the creek to the steep climb (by ladder) back up onto the grounds of the private parkland again to the finish and the circle. One Hasher showed great chivalry and offered his back to carry another hasher across the creek to save her from the rushing waters; losing his footing, they both ended up in the creek totally saturated.

 Other Hashers were not so keen, or possibly unable, (is that a disability at this point?) to wade across the rapids (it was actually rather calm and less than a metre in depth, the truth be known) thus, chose an alternative ‘drier’ route to the finish line.

 Wet, sweaty, soggy and sober Hashers gathered awaiting the official call — GM once again stepped up to his responsibility and CALLED ALL TO THE CIRCLE!

 This is where it gets more than hazy for this scribe - excuses however are reasonable and ought to be considered as good reason.  GM with a scrappy bit of cardboard and a black marker, the sun now below the far horizon, no torch to see what he was doing on that scrap cardboard  — can be said order of the evening and proceedings meant cold beers and punishments, down-downs and jokes were many;  what Scribe can recall and deduct from the memory let alone the GM’s scribblings. Surely this Scribe will not be called upon again to take the position. Failing miserably at this point, will inevitably be heavily punished for such digress from responsibility.

Further Down downs:  Hash Hero (the piggy-backer bloke) and Hash Turd - who were they again? This is a good opportunity for some blogging on the LBHHH website! Correct the hazy bits!

Pak Guru was punished for crime that escapes this Scribe at this point in time,  however do recall the circumstances of the punishment - the poor ‘old’ Pak Guru was thrown by force onto an iced-filled chair, shackled with pipes on both arms and then expected to successfully achieve aim by pouring from the outstretched piped arm his down-down beer to enter his mouth for the Down down chant. All Hashers, well, nearly all, were ready for a respiratory arrest scenario - however, Pak Guru took it all on like the Hash Harrier trooper he is and managed the punishment without drowning in beer entirely.

Slow Suck was abusing the little Hasher Mut Bobbie MinPin, by standing on his paw - immediate punishment was inflicted with more icy-pool sitting and the ‘down down’ - Slow Suck taking forever to empty the glass,  again proving good reason for this hasher’s name.

 French Tart seemed to turn up into the circle to receive punishment - wearing a bright Red Bra on outside of her commemorative hash t-shirt. What was that all about again? Get blogging

 Namings was next on the agenda, or about this time, sort of about now,  thereabouts.

Gold Dicker (Aussie), Party Pooper (Brit?) and Dane in the Ass (guess where from!) were cheerfully baptised with their Hash Names and welcomed as the newest members of the LBHHH Chapter. Well done to all attending Hashers’ inputs and GM for successful naming procedures.

 Hares were nominated for the next run, #454, 27th June,  or did they volunteer?

Who were they? Please own up! Or someone give up their names!

 The circle concluded as per protocol by the GM and with his Announcement for the Hare Dinner Location -

Hashers made their way staggering to various vehicles, (I don’t recall any designated drivers to remain completely sober); not far to drive - it was only 200 metres away — at the Scarborough Fish and Chips, Tanjung Rhu,  for, surprisingly enough, yes, you guessed,  Fish and Chips, salads and, needless to say but will anyway,  more cold beers!  No complaints were loudly heard of this marvellous run and generous food fare — plenty of “thank yous" were heralded towards the Hares, King Penguin and Arse - run and dinner venue choice!

Indeed very hard act to follow - (I don’t think the next Hares joined in the thank yous —so, anyway - who are the next Hares for RUN #454?

 Now, Hashers - any complaints? Then Get blogging - i.e.  complaining, correcting, embellishing your own versions of the RUN #453 - 20th Anniversary Run - LBHHH Chapter! 

 On On Slow Suck

 

 

Scribe Report 542

Poets license and all the usual disclaimers apply. Worm.

The Hash tribe gathered in a secluded clearing in the rainforest on a grey and damp day to hold their fortnightly evening ritual of debauchery which included all manner of unspeakable crimes against good taste and sensible behaviour.

The Tribal elder [GM] Small ball cock welcomed the tribes men and women to form a circle to perform the bizarre ritual of looking at the tribes feet to determine who may have transgressed by wearing new footwear , no one was silly enough to wear new shoes without making them look old with a good coat of mud. The tribal elder called the Hare [trailblazer] Swiss Tosser to the centre to describe the test of stamina and courage he had set for the Hash tribe, after  Swiss Tossers excellent set of directions the tribe wandered off in the general direction the Hare had indicated down a very muddy road where an arrow pointed us in the right direction, sort off, we had wandered into a rice paddy where we were meant to zigzag our way across, after much confusion some of us zigged and the others zagged and by pure fluke we ended up on the jungle path we were meant to follow, it was impossible to get lost as one only had to follow the trail of insect repellent used liberally by the tribe, eventually we stumbled out of the jungle onto the aforementioned muddy road and were welcomed back by a very relieved hare.

Once again the Tribal elder [GM] called the circle to order at which time the executioners, Larshole and Arse were able to demonstrate their skills on each other, Swiss Tosser was called to the centre to have his trail critiqued by the tribe who quickly saw him off because they wanted the virgin called to the centre, The virgin, a very comely maid did not seem to identify with the virgin word and had to be called by name by the GM, She was duly executed and admired for her beer drinking skills by the tribe with comments such as” beauty mate” and “she will do me for a drinking buddy”.

There were no visitors which was a pity as the executioners were unable to hone their skills for the returners of which there were many, they were berated by the GM for not attending the previous run and causing the hares of the run to believe they were unwanted and unloved which led to costly counselling sessions before their confidence was restored, they were duly executed with much encouragement from the aforementioned hare, Johnny walker.

Fortunately there will be only one deserter, Lyn bin Defuzzed unavailable for the Tribal gathering on the 13th of June, which is the 20th anniversary of the Hash in Langkawi and she was duly executed, A big roll-up is expected to celebrate this milestone and everyone is welcome.

The Hash Hero award went to Swiss Tosser for his excellent run and he avoided getting wet due to his drinking skills.

Tartan tart was executed for wearing her pink bra, Johnny walker and Bunga Bunga were executed for running around the trail twice with Bunga Bunga running ahead and Johnny walker panting behind. French Tart was executed for taking the blame for all of France when on this day in 1430 they sold Johnduck [French for Joan of Arc.] to the British who duly executed her , not because she was a great leader and caused many British deaths but because she was French.

The Hash Turd {a very prestigious award] was presented to Johnny walker who after all was the hero who liberated it from under the noses of the High fibre diet warriors who are still looking for revenge, while the producer of this fine example of rectal art, the Royal princess [all 130 kgs of her] wants to marry Johnny walker because of his good taste and the extreme lengths he went to liberate her golden swirl.  

Hares for the next run on the 13/6/2014, please note the date as it is 3 weeks from today are King Penguin and Arse, there will be no hash on the 6/6/2014. A reminder that this will be the 20th year anniversary running of the Hash in Langkawi and all are welcome.

This strange ritual gathering was concluded by an even stranger event called the Hash hymn led by King Penguin and Arse.

Sustenance was provided by Pia on the Paddy, and the drinking skills of the tribe were put to the test. The Virgin won.

On on    

 
 

Scribe Report 541

from your Cockney reporter, Small Ball Cock

'ARES Johnny Walker and Black Label

GM Worm

ATTENDANCE a bloody pathetic 11

There we was, legs eleven sad lonely bastards huddled together in a clearing just down the frog and toad from the Gunung Raya golf course. Not only was we being bitten to death by mosquitos but we was soaking up gama rays from the power pylons overhead.

And where were our tin plates, our fellow ashers? All gorn orf somewhere more ellfy no doubt. Or ave they got something against our 'ares? Everytime Johnny Walker and Black Label are 'ares ashers run in the opposite direction, poor bastards are getting coplex about it! I know JW is a Gerry but he isn't typical and has apologised for the world wars and world cups. And 'is trouble and strife, Black Label, is a well it bird, know what I mean lads?

 

 

Worm, our stand in Grand Master, called the circle. No new Danny la Rues so JW and BL explained the run. They had a bit of a domestic in the circle before JW said he would explain the run without interference from 'er indoors. Needless to say she still tried to stick er oar in.

Off we went. I followed Jasmine down the jungle tracks. The view was spectacular. The jungle was rubbish but the view of Jasmine from behind was stunning. Another fit bird. Unfortunately too fit, she kept disappearing. My plates of meat couldn't move any faster. But she ad a typical bird's sense of direction, ie none, and went the wrong way at the first falsey.

JW ran with us, the rest all walked. A few false trails and loads of great arrows. Trust the Germans to perfect any item of violence.

As there was a walkers' route they came in not to long after the runners. Their lips looked worn out, non-stop rabbit all the way. They probably swallowed a kilo of mosquitos as their north and souths were never closed!

Worm called us to order in a gentile way. Larsole and Early Bird became Executioners after doing one another. Visitors, Virgins and Returners all got dun. No Tartan Tart so the lads didn't get to see her wet, red bra covered Bristol Cities. Shame.

An odd couple from Oz, Jaws and Alf, a Visitor and a Virgin was dun. She said she had done a thousand runs but he had never done one. Sounds like the perfect relationship.

The GM gave us the one hour shortened history of Mothers Day before all the mothers got dun. He also told us about JW's quest to find a new Hash William the Third (turd) up in Thighland. Meeting some long lost tribe. Not missing an opportunity to tel a joke, yours truly added to the story. The story eneded up with JW getting done up the tradesmans by half a dozen strapping natives and a punchline, “Death, by bunga bunga.” Don't ask!

Following this, Jasmine had to be named. For some odd reason, probably something to do with er bum, we all thought Bunga Bunga was perfect for her. So this is now her handle. Easy to remember if you follow her on a run.

The pigs ear was flowing so I can't remember who got dun for what but they did.

Swiss Tosser was persuaded to set the next run, what a top geezer.

The knife and fork, or to be more exact, the spoon and fork was at the Hotel Malaysia. A lovely Ruby Murray. Trouble was cos a lot of you bastards didn't show, we all had to ave seconds, thirds and take-aways.

Well done hares, a great run and lovely grub. At least you've got nine mates.

ON, ON YER BUNGA BUNGA BASTARDS!

Small Ball Cockney

 


 

 

 



15 romantic Hashers met on February 14th behind Shin Mei restaurant at Kuala Teriang. We moved from Made-on-a-Train's planned location at a disused restaurant as the local youth club had commandeered it. So we moved into the open and braved the heat. The circle was called. The romantics welcomed, no new shoes so MoaT explained the run. He covered his arse in case he was later blamed for poor marking by saying local children followed him as he was laying the trail and were eating the flour as he put it down. Would you believe a semi-naked South African?

Off we went. Yours truly ran at the front with the lovely, newly returned Matahari. The getting speedier Speedo not far behind. After a couple of kms we lost the trail. Had the flour eating juveniles been at work? We searched around but nothing. I returned the way we came and found the last distorted mark. Little bastards! I pointed Stumbleweed, Sore Bum and Swiss Tosser in the right direction and went back to find Matahari and Speedo. Like the flour, they had also disappeared. So I again returned back to the trail. This 'short run' was becoming a long run!

After a few hundred yards I met Matahari running towards me. She spun around on her Reeboks and ran with me. Then we came across lost Speedo. On, on down the mini tars after the walkers who were now miles ahead. Eventually we all closed up. Stumbleweed was having trouble negotiating a small hill after crossing the main road. A brotherly kick up the derriere helped him up. A bit off 'off-roading' and then a final trecherous downhill stretch. I thought I was being noble staying to helped people down but was later ridiculed for coming in at the back. Nice!

The youth club having departed, we held the circle under the roof of the disused retaurant. Whining Fag Hag and Black Label were invited straight away to sit in the Chilly Chairs for nattering. Larsole had to execute himself twice before getting the job as Executioner. The usual suspects were dealt with including the Returners. A toast for Valentines Day was ordered before Small Ball Cock asked everyone to turn to the Hasher beside them and kiss them. Unfortunately Speedo was faced by Chief Sitting Balls. This sight of them being intimate could have ruined dinner for all of us. They do not usually grope one another in public, but when the are off cycling together who knows?

In the absence of Tartan Tart, French Tart had her tarts douced. Tartan Tart was missing as she was waiting for her boy friend (or anyone) to invite her out for a romantic Valentines date. At the time of going to press, she is still waiting.

Golden Shower was toasted as today was his birthday.

The boys celebrated the discovery of penicillin on 14.2.1929. No doubt this drug had saved them many times in their romantic pasts. In a strange twist of fate, the GM nominated Golden Shower as Hash Hero as he had Hared on his birthday and chosen to support the Hash rather than go elsewhere to celebrate. But then the GM nominated him to receive the Hash Turd as he was so mean and selfish not to have taken Piss Artist out for an intimate Valentines dinner. Poor girl even had to pay her own rm35 - and probably his! This was deemed heinous, so he was chilly chaired and double down down piped.

Speedo and Chief Sitting Balls will be Hares for a Swiss Hash on Friday 28 February. So watch out for a few hills.

In King Penguin's absence we sang Rule Britania and some other weird national anthems.

The food was a dumpling's throw away at Shin Mei and jolly good it was too. Old romantic, Piss Artist had arranged a bithday cake for Golden Shower. It was far too small to hold the seventy plus candles so there were only half a dozen. With a super human effort he managed to blow them out. So at least we all got to experience a blow-job on Valentines day.

ON, ON YER BASTARDS!

Small Ball Cock

Scribe Report 540

 Dateline Langkawi Friday 25 April

 

Breaking news .....Police raided a suspected den of dissolute persons, members of a strange bacchanalian cult, worshippers of a strange deity believed to be named Hash. They are thought to indulge in strange rituals, rites of initiation and others called down downs, accompanied by raucous chants and copious abuse. Your intrepid reporter infiltrated these rituals and can report that the included such sickening practices as shoe abuse and the like. Most sinister of all and in common with many such cults the abuse of virgins seems to be a common practice.

 During the course of the proceedings, the leader of the group, the strangely named Grand Master- Johnny Walker, ordered the acolytes variously to:

Drink from a shoe (an acolyte named 'Speedo').

Subject themselves to 'execution' by iced water. ( it must be said that these executions were poorly performed rarely resulting in actual death) .

Initiation of a most unlikely looking virgin named Kurt.

The naming of a novice who became 'Pervy Pom'

The shaming of so called 'Tartan tart' for wearing lewd clothing

The exposure of 2 ex eastern bloc Spies named 'Karol Bysoski' and 'Jurek Wilomski'

Presentation of fecal  matter to an 'Andrew' for allegedly running too fast and carrying too much water!

It was at this point that our magnificent police interrupted and brought to a close these depraved practices.

 We are grateful to our heroic Langkawi police and the vigilance of the local Kedawang community for helping to curtail such vile practices.

 Breaking breaking news. I followed the cars as the members fled and the reconvened in a well known house of feasting and ill repute, where they gorged and drank to excess. In the course of this, another hapless novice was initiated and named for some reason beyond comprehension after a Killer whale!

 Next hares Johnny Walker and black label.

 

Worm was unanimously voted to be the next stand in GM. 

On on

 

KP 

 

 

Scribe Report 539

 HARES   Tent Packer and Tartan Tart

GM   Small Ball Cock

ATTENDANCE   20 odd

The twenty odd, well, very odd Hashers met at the odd building opposite the fish market in Padang Matsirat. Following the social banter, or old farts grumblings, the circle was called. A new pair of shoes were being sported on our visitor, Craig. He is one of the many pearl farmers from Burma, born and bought up in the Seychelles, educated in a Scottish public school, we get here. The cold beer didn't touch the sides, only of his shoe as he downed the Skol.

Our virgin Hare, Tent Packer and far-from-virgin Hare, Tartan Tart sent us on our way. Across the road and behind the fish market. This is a very pretty area and the run took us down a path on one side of the river and back along another path on the other side. The only confusion was when a couple of front runners met a couple of near front runners coming the other way. Lets give the hares the benefit of the doubt and put it down to the locals playing the old Friday pastime of 'sweeping the flour.'

But whichever way we ran, it was still just over 7 kilometers. Long but flat and very pretty. Finally, Mafioso Mongrel returned bringing up the rear. It was now nearly 7.30 so Small Ball Cock called the circle and tried to hurry through proceedings, but we had visitors, returners, deserters, a naming …... were we heading for a midnight feast?

Two executioners, Larsole and King Penguin were appointed and annointed. Early Bird, for nattering and Black Label for taking a phone call occupied the chilly chairs. Craig, the visitor, several returners and Stumbleweed, the deserter were dealt with. The returning, confused Italian, Rigger Mortis was deemed to have committed a heinous crime with his lack of Hash attire. The only thing he got right was swallowing most of his down down despite wearing the down down pipes.

The GM invited everyone to take a drink. This was firstly to brighten up the day – April 11. This day, sixty years ago, in 1954 was apparently the most boring day in history. That was the first toast. The second was to Raffi who shuffled off his mortal perch a couple of weeks ago.

Lin bin Defuzzed was awarded the Hash turd for leaving the circle without permission. Johnnie Walker then came forward and donated a fresh new Thai turd that he had purchased on his travels to replace the missing one. Tent Packer nominated the GM as hash hero for putting up with the mob every two weeks. Somebody does love me after all even if it is only Tent Packer.

Then the reason for Lin bin Defuzzed leaving the circle was revealed. Also known as Mother Theresa and famed for her charm and generosity, she present me with a frying pan. I had previously enquired as to whether she had a heavy cast iron egg pan in her stately home clearance sale. Unfortunately this was a cheap tin pan but the best she had. Also famed for her voracious appetite, she had managed to eat most of the non-stick coating and she now has a non-stick bottom.

King Penguin led us in the closing Hash hymn and the Hares led us to the food at Shin Mei.

This was our visitor Craig's third run so we had to give him a name. This we decided to do over dinner as it was now dark. As previously mentioned, he is a pearl farmer so I suggested Pearl Necklace. Would you believe, that despite many years in the navy, King Penguin had no idea  as to the meaning of this. I though he would know all about seamen but maybe he is trying to put all that behind him. Of course, or of coarse, Tartan Tart knew all about pearl necklaces, so I asked her to explain to the table what it was. Would you believe she blushed? Then Arse was asked to explain the Canadian version. Luckily by now we had all eaten. If in any doubt Google it. So by popular consent Greg was christened Pearl Necklace.

Once again the dinner was very good even if they turned the lights out early trying to get rid of us.

 

ON, ON YER BASTARDS!

 

Small Ball Cock

 

 

 

 

Scribe Report 538

 A slightly diminished number of memory challenged puffers and panters gathered at Kisap on this very hot day to again participate in the honourable pursuit of hashing in LGK. Fifteen in total, clearly suffering from alcohol impaired memory function whereby the recall of previous hash torture and humiliation had been erased.

 The circle formed in a pleasant shady clearing beneath rubber trees and with not one virgin or new shoe in sight the hares Early Bird and Worm gave a well presented briefing on the run to come with different trails for runners and walkers. They explained that the walkers trail was marked with a W. However, in hash parlance W stands for W--K-R so most quite naturally and unashamedly followed that trail.

The run / walk followed a maze of tracks. Those of us who had been boy scouts cleverly thought that getting lost was not possible as we started facing into the setting sun (running west), then the sun was behind us (running east) warming our nether regions which brought back more memories of scouting and the jolly scoutmaster, and then the sun was to our left (running north) and then to our right (running south), and so on over and over again until all were completely disorientated.

Finally, after traversing a narrow bridge over a deep ravine into which we nearly lost Stumbleweed we found ourselves lost in deep rubber with not even one dollop of  flour in sight. Fortunately despair quickly gave way to relief when we realised that we were almost back at the start, and that our collective thirst would soon be amply quenched.

Drinking time was short however as our GM, in strutting Napoleonic style, quickly called the clapped out to order to verbally abuse and admonish those who had foolishly missed some of the trail, but conveniently did not include himself for having gone the wrong way…..again!

Happy endings though, for all were given almost equal punishment with the exception of the perempuan (for the feeble minded they are the ones who sit down to pee) who were given unequal and copious drenchings in the T shirt department by Golden Shower and the winner yet again was Tartan Tart whose upper body under garments showed up huge and orange….how does she do that?

Returners were Worm, Piss Artist and Golden Shower.

Our GM, still very much in Napoleon mode severely punished the Danes and Swiss present for being, according to the Star, the happiest people on Earth. Made no difference, even after that drenching they were still happy, or delirious!

Run verdict. Excellent.

Food verdict. A new venue and a superb meal with very good service, we didn’t even have to dig for our own tinnies or pour our own wine.

Floppy

 

 

 

 

Scribe Report 537

Once again the gathering assembled at the Ulu Melaka paddy fields. Not that we ever tire of this lovely venue with is flat paths across rice fields, alongside ponds and streams, through well kept rubber smallholdings and delightful kampungs where the locals all seem to have a ready smile and a wave. What we don’t realise is that they are all laughing at the spectacle of a bunch of sweaty clapped out old townies, heaving and gasping and stumbling along the paths looking for blobs of flour on the ground, on bushes, and neatly placed on top of cow turds. Can these deranged has-beens really be representatives of the wider more sophisticated world?  No wonder the local folk prefer to remain in their kampungs.

 

Back to the start. Seventeen aspiring but clearly deluded would-be marathon runners gathered outside Pia’s eagerly awaiting run directions and ritual humiliation and belittlement. They were not disappointed. Two clean shod virgins stood out from the tramp like regulars and had to pay the price by quaffing beer from their shiny new shoes. One of these was dressed in a short skirt, much to the fetish like goggling of the GM whose degenerate imagination was in overdrive.

 

The hares, Larshole and Metahari gave us suitably vague instructions and muttered something about the length of the run. Yes it was long, especially for us who are more energetically challenged, but the checks worked well and 1.5 hours later the rearguard hobbled home. The course, through beautiful countryside was well marked although the last check caused some confusion, but kept all the runners together.

Happenings? The hash horns caused a cow stampede which was later judged to have been a heinous crime and so the blowers (correct choice of word?) were duly punished. Apparently hash rule 51b, sub part iii), states that blowing is only permitted behind bushes and not in the open paddy fields!

The quiz set by the hares to guess the length of Larshole’s rope did confuse the geometrically challenged but Tartan Tart did seem to have some prior knowledge of its length and so was given the prize….by Larshole.

The dreaded ice chairs appeared and Early Bird and Floppy being last in the circle, had to endure the exquisite torture of freezing rear ends, and other bits in the dark vicinity. Early Bird clearly enjoyed it so much that she couldn’t be persuaded to vacate her ice chair. When she did finally stand up she was breathing heavily and red faced and wobbly on her legs. She muttered something about circulation around vital parts.

Circle time was shorter due to the longer than usual run time, but returnees including Floppy, Tartan Tart and Ho Chi Minge were punished.

Another excellent meal in Pia’s.

Thanks to the hares. An excellent run.

On on……….

 

Floppy

 

 

Scribe Report 536

 The Swiss Run was neither cheesy nor full of holes (although Debbie Does Dallas claimed to have fallen in one) and there was a distinct lack of chocolate.  After those disappointments it must be said that the Swiss Hassli, having explained that the Langkawi Beach Hash should run on the beach, set a marvellously flat run.  After the initial beach stretch only a few unobservant types were unable to follow the trail through the backlands of Pantai Tengah. The final beach stretch reminded us all how much we hate getting sand in our shoes. Could be that is why we don’t run on the beach.

 

The GM thanked hares Chief Sitting Balls and Speedo with a beer and, as a sop to International Women’s Day, asked for lady volunteers for the Executioner. Black Label and Debbie Does Dallas proved themselves flowingly up to the task.  Whining Fag Hag was given her usual seat in the Chilly Chair and could observe close up the many returners celebrating their pulang with a golden libation.

 

Tartan Tart was MIA so Piss Artist was volunteered to stand in despite not having the correct lingerie. The short cutters; ie those that can’t follow a flour trail, were brought into the circle with their many excuses but they still wore water.

 

International Women’s Day was next to be celebrated with all the men asked to drink a toast. Some grumbling about here being no International Men’s Day was heard but no sympathy was found. If you can’t organise a day for yourselves guys - Tough! Extra executioners were drafted in and but made a cock-up of the execution with all the water somehow going below the waist instead of over the head. Ooops! Of course, the women were next in the circle for their celebration of a special day. 

 

A Hash Hero was found in the shape of a Speedo who made the enormous effort of calling to wake up Sore Bum so she would be in time for the Hash. Naturally, Sore Bum was awarded Hash Turd for getting the call.

 

IMPORTANT BUSINESS followed: the GM announced the Hash time would move forward 30 minutes so it’s now 5:30 for 6. Don’t say I didn’t tell you just because all you slackers out there never read the scribe!

 

The Music Meister F’King Penguin closed the circle with a challenging action version of “Jerusalem“.

 

All repaired to Fat Mum’s new premises where a good time was enjoyed by all.   

ON ON

ARSE 

 

 

 

 

Scribe Report 535

 HARES   Made-on-a-Train and Golden Shower


GM   Small Ball Cock

ATTENDANCE   15


15 romantic Hashers met on February 14th behind Shin Mei restaurant at Kuala Teriang. We moved from Made-on-a-Train's planned location at a disused restaurant as the local youth club had commandeered it. So we moved into the open and braved the heat. The circle was called. The romantics welcomed, no new shoes so MoaT explained the run. He covered his arse in case he was later blamed for poor marking by saying local children followed him as he was laying the trail and were eating the flour as he put it down. Would you believe a semi-naked South African?

Off we went. Yours truly ran at the front with the lovely, newly returned Matahari. The getting speedier Speedo not far behind. After a couple of kms we lost the trail. Had the flour eating juveniles been at work? We searched around but nothing. I returned the way we came and found the last distorted mark. Little bastards! I pointed Stumbleweed, Sore Bum and Swiss Tosser in the right direction and went back to find Matahari and Speedo. Like the flour, they had also disappeared. So I again returned back to the trail. This 'short run' was becoming a long run!

After a few hundred yards I met Matahari running towards me. She spun around on her Reeboks and ran with me. Then we came across lost Speedo. On, on down the mini tars after the walkers who were now miles ahead. Eventually we all closed up. Stumbleweed was having trouble negotiating a small hill after crossing the main road. A brotherly kick up the derriere helped him up. A bit off 'off-roading' and then a final trecherous downhill stretch. I thought I was being noble staying to helped people down but was later ridiculed for coming in at the back. Nice!

The youth club having departed, we held the circle under the roof of the disused retaurant. Whining Fag Hag and Black Label were invited straight away to sit in the Chilly Chairs for nattering. Larsole had to execute himself twice before getting the job as Executioner. The usual suspects were dealt with including the Returners. A toast for Valentines Day was ordered before Small Ball Cock asked everyone to turn to the Hasher beside them and kiss them. Unfortunately Speedo was faced by Chief Sitting Balls. This sight of them being intimate could have ruined dinner for all of us. They do not usually grope one another in public, but when the are off cycling together who knows?

In the absence of Tartan Tart, French Tart had her tarts douced. Tartan Tart was missing as she was waiting for her boy friend (or anyone) to invite her out for a romantic Valentines date. At the time of going to press, she is still waiting.

Golden Shower was toasted as today was his birthday.

The boys celebrated the discovery of penicillin on 14.2.1929. No doubt this drug had saved them many times in their romantic pasts. In a strange twist of fate, the GM nominated Golden Shower as Hash Hero as he had Hared on his birthday and chosen to support the Hash rather than go elsewhere to celebrate. But then the GM nominated him to receive the Hash Turd as he was so mean and selfish not to have taken Piss Artist out for an intimate Valentines dinner. Poor girl even had to pay her own rm35 - and probably his! This was deemed heinous, so he was chilly chaired and double down down piped.

Speedo and Chief Sitting Balls will be Hares for a Swiss Hash on Friday 28 February. So watch out for a few hills.

In King Penguin's absence we sang Rule Britania and some other weird national anthems.

The food was a dumpling's throw away at Shin Mei and jolly good it was too. Old romantic, Piss Artist had arranged a bithday cake for Golden Shower. It was far too small to hold the seventy plus candles so there were only half a dozen. With a super human effort he managed to blow them out. So at least we all got to experience a blow-job on Valentines day.

ON, ON YER BASTARDS!

        GM Small Ball Cock

ATTENDANCE     15


15 romantic Hashers met on February 14th behind Shin Mei restaurant at Kuala Teriang. We moved from Made-on-a-Train's planned location at a disused restaurant as the local youth club had commandeered it. So we moved into the open and braved the heat. The circle was called. The romantics welcomed, no new shoes so MoaT explained the run. He covered his arse in case he was later blamed for poor marking by saying local children followed him as he was laying the trail and were eating the flour as he put it down. Would you believe a semi-naked South African?

Off we went. Yours truly ran at the front with the lovely, newly returned Matahari. The getting speedier Speedo not far behind. After a couple of kms we lost the trail. Had the flour eating juveniles been at work? We searched around but nothing. I returned the way we came and found the last distorted mark. Little bastards! I pointed Stumbleweed, Sore Bum and Swiss Tosser in the right direction and went back to find Matahari and Speedo. Like the flour, they had also disappeared. So I again returned back to the trail. This 'short run' was becoming a long run!

After a few hundred yards I met Matahari running towards me. She spun around on her Reeboks and ran with me. Then we came across lost Speedo. On, on down the mini tars after the walkers who were now miles ahead. Eventually we all closed up. Stumbleweed was having trouble negotiating a small hill after crossing the main road. A brotherly kick up the derriere helped him up. A bit off 'off-roading' and then a final trecherous downhill stretch. I thought I was being noble staying to helped people down but was later ridiculed for coming in at the back. Nice!

The youth club having departed, we held the circle under the roof of the disused retaurant. Whining Fag Hag and Black Label were invited straight away to sit in the Chilly Chairs for nattering. Larsole had to execute himself twice before getting the job as Executioner. The usual suspects were dealt with including the Returners. A toast for Valentines Day was ordered before Small Ball Cock asked everyone to turn to the Hasher beside them and kiss them. Unfortunately Speedo was faced by Chief Sitting Balls. This sight of them being intimate could have ruined dinner for all of us. They do not usually grope one another in public, but when the are off cycling together who knows?

In the absence of Tartan Tart, French Tart had her tarts douced. Tartan Tart was missing as she was waiting for her boy friend (or anyone) to invite her out for a romantic Valentines date. At the time of going to press, she is still waiting.

Golden Shower was toasted as today was his birthday.

The boys celebrated the discovery of penicillin on 14.2.1929. No doubt this drug had saved them many times in their romantic pasts. In a strange twist of fate, the GM nominated Golden Shower as Hash Hero as he had Hared on his birthday and chosen to support the Hash rather than go elsewhere to celebrate. But then the GM nominated him to receive the Hash Turd as he was so mean and selfish not to have taken Piss Artist out for an intimate Valentines dinner. Poor girl even had to pay her own rm35 - and probably his! This was deemed heinous, so he was chilly chaired and double down down piped.

Speedo and Chief Sitting Balls will be Hares for a Swiss Hash on Friday 28 February. So watch out for a few hills.

In King Penguin's absence we sang Rule Britania and some other weird national anthems.

The food was a dumpling's throw away at Shin Mei and jolly good it was too. Old romantic, Piss Artist had arranged a bithday cake for Golden Shower. It was far too small to hold the seventy plus candles so there were only half a dozen. With a super human effort he managed to blow them out. So at least we all got to experience a blow-job on Valentines day.

ON, ON YER BASTARDS!

Small Ball Cock

GM   Small Ball Cock

ATTENDANCE   15


15 romantic Hashers met on February 14th behind Shin Mei restaurant at Kuala Teriang. We moved from Made-on-a-Train's planned location at a disused restaurant as the local youth club had commandeered it. So we moved into the open and braved the heat. The circle was called. The romantics welcomed, no new shoes so MoaT explained the run. He covered his arse in case he was later blamed for poor marking by saying local children followed him as he was laying the trail and were eating the flour as he put it down. Would you believe a semi-naked South African?

Off we went. Yours truly ran at the front with the lovely, newly returned Matahari. The getting speedier Speedo not far behind. After a couple of kms we lost the trail. Had the flour eating juveniles been at work? We searched around but nothing. I returned the way we came and found the last distorted mark. Little bastards! I pointed Stumbleweed, Sore Bum and Swiss Tosser in the right direction and went back to find Matahari and Speedo. Like the flour, they had also disappeared. So I again returned back to the trail. This 'short run' was becoming a long run!

After a few hundred yards I met Matahari running towards me. She spun around on her Reeboks and ran with me. Then we came across lost Speedo. On, on down the mini tars after the walkers who were now miles ahead. Eventually we all closed up. Stumbleweed was having trouble negotiating a small hill after crossing the main road. A brotherly kick up the derriere helped him up. A bit off 'off-roading' and then a final trecherous downhill stretch. I thought I was being noble staying to helped people down but was later ridiculed for coming in at the back. Nice!

The youth club having departed, we held the circle under the roof of the disused retaurant. Whining Fag Hag and Black Label were invited straight away to sit in the Chilly Chairs for nattering. Larsole had to execute himself twice before getting the job as Executioner. The usual suspects were dealt with including the Returners. A toast for Valentines Day was ordered before Small Ball Cock asked everyone to turn to the Hasher beside them and kiss them. Unfortunately Speedo was faced by Chief Sitting Balls. This sight of them being intimate could have ruined dinner for all of us. They do not usually grope one another in public, but when the are off cycling together who knows?

In the absence of Tartan Tart, French Tart had her tarts douced. Tartan Tart was missing as she was waiting for her boy friend (or anyone) to invite her out for a romantic Valentines date. At the time of going to press, she is still waiting.

Golden Shower was toasted as today was his birthday.

The boys celebrated the discovery of penicillin on 14.2.1929. No doubt this drug had saved them many times in their romantic pasts. In a strange twist of fate, the GM nominated Golden Shower as Hash Hero as he had Hared on his birthday and chosen to support the Hash rather than go elsewhere to celebrate. But then the GM nominated him to receive the Hash Turd as he was so mean and selfish not to have taken Piss Artist out for an intimate Valentines dinner. Poor girl even had to pay her own rm35 - and probably his! This was deemed heinous, so he was chilly chaired and double down down piped.

Speedo and Chief Sitting Balls will be Hares for a Swiss Hash on Friday 28 February. So watch out for a few hills.

In King Penguin's absence we sang Rule Britania and some other weird national anthems.

The food was a dumpling's throw away at Shin Mei and jolly good it was too. Old romantic, Piss Artist had arranged a bithday cake for Golden Shower. It was far too small to hold the seventy plus candles so there were only half a dozen. With a super human effort he managed to blow them out. So at least we all got to experience a blow-job on Valentines day.

ON, ON YER BASTARDS!

Small Ball Cock

ATTENDANCE   15

 

 15 romantic Hashers met on February 14th behind Shin Mei restaurant at Kuala Teriang. We moved from Made-on-a-Train's planned location at a disused restaurant as the local youth club had commandeered it. So we moved into the open and braved the heat. The circle was called. The romantics welcomed, no new shoes so MoaT explained the run. He covered his arse in case he was later blamed for poor marking by saying local children followed him as he was laying the trail and were eating the flour as he put it down. Would you believe a semi-naked South African?

 

Off we went. Yours truly ran at the front with the lovely, newly returned Matahari. The getting speedier Speedo not far behind. After a couple of kms we lost the trail. Had the flour eating juveniles been at work? We searched around but nothing. I returned the way we came and found the last distorted mark. Little bastards! I pointed Stumbleweed, Sore Bum and Swiss Tosser in the right direction and went back to find Matahari and Speedo. Like the flour, they had also disappeared. So I again returned back to the trail. This 'short run' was becoming a long run!

 

After a few hundred yards I met Matahari running towards me. She spun around on her Reeboks and ran with me. Then we came across lost Speedo. On, on down the mini tars after the walkers who were now miles ahead. Eventually we all closed up. Stumbleweed was having trouble negotiating a small hill after crossing the main road. A brotherly kick up the derriere helped him up. A bit off 'off-roading' and then a final trecherous downhill stretch. I thought I was being noble staying to helped people down but was later ridiculed for coming in at the back. Nice!

 

The youth club having departed, we held the circle under the roof of the disused retaurant. Whining Fag Hag and Black Label were invited straight away to sit in the Chilly Chairs for nattering. Larsole had to execute himself twice before getting the job as Executioner. The usual suspects were dealt with including the Returners. A toast for Valentines Day was ordered before Small Ball Cock asked everyone to turn to the Hasher beside them and kiss them. Unfortunately Speedo was faced by Chief Sitting Balls. This sight of them being intimate could have ruined dinner for all of us. They do not usually grope one another in public, but when the are off cycling together who knows?

 

In the absence of Tartan Tart, French Tart had her tarts douced. Tartan Tart was missing as she was waiting for her boy friend (or anyone) to invite her out for a romantic Valentines date. At the time of going to press, she is still waiting.

 

Golden Shower was toasted as today was his birthday.

 

The boys celebrated the discovery of penicillin on 14.2.1929. No doubt this drug had saved them many times in their romantic pasts. In a strange twist of fate, the GM nominated Golden Shower as Hash Hero as he had Hared on his birthday and chosen to support the Hash rather than go elsewhere to celebrate. But then the GM nominated him to receive the Hash Turd as he was so mean and selfish not to have taken Piss Artist out for an intimate Valentines dinner. Poor girl even had to pay her own rm35 - and probably his! This was deemed heinous, so he was chilly chaired and double down down piped.

 

Speedo and Chief Sitting Balls will be Hares for a Swiss Hash on Friday 28 February. So watch out for a few hills.

 

In King Penguin's absence we sang Rule Britania and some other weird national anthems.

 

The food was a dumpling's throw away at Shin Mei and jolly good it was too. Old romantic, Piss Artist had arranged a bithday cake for Golden Shower. It was far too small to hold the seventy plus candles so there were only half a dozen. With a super human effort he managed to blow them out. So at least we all got to experience a blow-job on Valentines day.

 

ON, ON YER BASTARDS!

 

 SMALL BALL COCK

Scribe Report 534

  HASH TRASH

RUN 534

31 JAN 14

 

Chinese New Year day and 21 hashers, runners, walkers and w—kers converged on the beautiful countryside of Ulu Melaka for yet another session of chest heaving exertion, torture, humiliation and cold water boarding.

 

One ‘new shoes’ miscreant was duly punished and drank tiger from his shiny trainer with Teutonic enthusiasm…well, it was free!

 

Hares Tartan Tart and John (forgive my ancient brain for a temporary relapse of hash monikers) gave us the pre-start preamble with promise of a wonderful experience to come and dire warnings of too much talking and not enough looking for flour. All to little effect as their commendable effort in laying a well marked and foolproof trail had not anticipated the severe lack of the collective cognitive and navigational skills of the motley runners who were as usual “Only ‘ere for the beer, Guv”. (That last bit for the appreciation of the GM.)

 

The run? Excellent - with false trails well spaced and all signs well marked through traditionally classic Malay villages and with a backdrop of scenic padi fields. And with a stunning sunset to follow.

 

At the ‘On On Site’ punishment and derision were in abundance. The dreaded ice chairs appeared and first to suffer icy numbness in the posterior was Wining Fag Hag who said she would pee her pants to keep warm. No one was brave enough to check if she actually did.

 

One virgin, Julie, was not sure if she was actually a virgin or not. No hash Doc to verify so we remained as confused as she was. Again, no one brave enough to check.

 

Returners Floppy Rod and Old Bailey were next in the ice chairs, much to the relief of Floppy’s haemorrhoids, and their combined dexterity and limb precision confused the GM with a ‘hash first’ by drinking ALL of the beer with their arms in the dreaded tubes without spilling a drop.

 

Good to see Arty Farty back, and of course she was also destined for the ice chair.

 

The German contingent collectively drank their beers in record time and in precision marching formation. Vell done!

 

King Penguin had a little tantrum and threw his toys out of the pram by kicking over the ice chair and throwing it at GM. He was duly charged, found guilty and paid the penalty.

 

Hash Hero was Tumbleweed. Did not stumble once and came in third.

 

For failing to drink, the GM was presented with a real turd. Surely it’s far too late for abstinence to revive his liver!  He really seemed to enjoy fondly gazing at it, feeling its texture and sniffing. That is what temporary teetotalism can do to you! Either that or he leads a higher monastic existence and is a bit short of traditional eroticism.

 

Again excellent makan at Pia’s On the Padi.

 

Another memorable Friday in LGK.

 

Floppy

 


After a rousing hash song a fantastic meal was taken at l'osteria. Well done the hares!

Predictably no sympathy was found on our return and the circle proceeded undeterred. Chilly chairs found regular takers and large numbers of returners and even one very reluctant virgin found their way into the middle. No less than 3 third timers were given new names -  Hans Ueli ' chief sitting balls' , Adrian '-Adrian the turd' and Jackson '......bum-boy?'

After a rousing hash song a fantastic meal was taken at l'osteria. Well done the hares!

Thanks

 

Scribe Report 533

  it was the best of times, it was the worst of times...'ACTUALLY for 5 of the intrepid hashers it was definitely the worst of times as the flour Nazi having refused to Mark the correct (right) side of the road sent five of us off into the boondocks where we conducted our own mega hash.

 Predictably no sympathy was found on our return and the circle proceeded undeterred.

Chilly chairs found regular takers and large numbers of returners and even one very reluctant virgin found their way into the middle.

No less than 3 third timers were given new names -  Hans Ueli ' chief sitting balls' , Adrian '-Adrian the turd' and Jackson - 'bum-boy'


After a rousing hash song a fantastic meal was taken at l'osteria. Well done the hares!

Predictably no sympathy was found on our return and the circle proceeded undeterred. Chilly chairs found regular takers and large numbers of returners and even one very reluctant virgin found their way into the middle. No less than 3 third timers were given new names -  Hans Ueli ' chief sitting balls' , Adrian '-Adrian the turd' and Jackson '......bum-boy?'

After a rousing hash song a fantastic meal was taken at l'osteria. Well done the hares!

Thanks
On On 
 
King Penguin 

 

 

 

Scribe Report 532

 King Penguin & Arse stepped in as emergency hares.  The run started at Pia on the Padi and 8 people

joined the circle.  There were no new shoes.
 
Piss artist was elected by GM as scribe despite the appeals of poor communications!
 
The Hares described the run and off everyone set.
 
Eventually all returned rather longer than expected as there were several wrong turns.
 
When the stragglers did finally make it home, the GM called the circle (small hoop) to order. 
 
 Golden Shower volunteered as executioner and duly executed himself.
The run was considered well planned especially in view of short notice, and the torrential downpour half an hour before we were due to set off.
The Hares were toasted for stepping in at the last minute.
There were no visitors or virgins.
6/8 were returners so there was quite a bit of executing to be done.
Tartan Tart was called into the circle for misdemeanours unknown. Likewise French tart had to drink
with pipes on her arms. Arse had to sit on the Chilly Chair, and as well as sharing hash hero with King Penguin, she was also turd of the week for prematurely marking the W for the walker's tail and causing all sorts of confusion for the runers!
 
GM (small ballcock) reminded us that it was Michael Schumacher's birthday.We drank a toast
to his birthday and raised our glasses for a speedy recovery.
Also to JRR Tolkien - Lord of the rings???? This tenuous comparison was made by the GM between himself and JRR.
 
The GM volunteered to do next run.
 
King Penguin led the singing to close the circle by singing Auld Lang Syne whilst miming the actions of the hash hymn! 
 
Then followed an excellent supper at Pia on the Padi.
 
On On Piss Artist 

 

Scribe report 531

Hares : King Penguin and Arse

We were only 12 people at the Black Sand Beach for this last run of the year 2013.
The GM called the circle, no new shoes, so the top start (top départ) has been given.

A few runners but more and more walkers (would the Hashers be getting older ?) started on a very nice and quiet road. It was difficult to get lost because a lot of us have been cycling on the same way on the previous Friday.
The weather was good, not too hot.
From time to time we could see a silhouette with white hairs "trotting" (trottinant in french), maybe running. Can you guess who it is ?

The second part of the way was on the beach, wonderful with a small breeze coming from the sea. Ok we had to climb some rocks and step over big tree stumps with the company of monkeys  - probably looking for food...
After a last climb everybody was coming back at 6.30pm. Everybody ???? No .... Berndt, a visitor was walking alone and did not see the big arrow ! Maybe he was enjoying the sea view.

A few drinks later, our GM, unique and favourite, formed the circle, with his usual toys : chilly chairs and pipes .... A chacun (each one) his games !!!!!


The day's executioner : Lynn Bin Defuzzed and the ritual could start.

For everyone it was an excellent and lovely run, easy, perfect. Thanks KP and A.
A Virgin : Christine, a Visitor : Berndt and a returner : Tartan Tart, have been baptised with, as it has to be, water and ice.
Another tradition.... Tartan Tart again, received a lot of water to show her pink bra under her teeshirt. Of course it is an idea neatly masculine.
A lot of us were punished, why ???? Sometime we don't know, just for GM fun, and had to sit on the "Chilly Chair" or rather on the ice. Finally it is not unpleasant especially if you wear a jean short. It is refreshing and, as you know, the cold preserves and it is very good for the skin !

We had a toast for Nelson Mandela (who passed away on the very same day).

So, all the opportunities are good for "lift the elbow" (lever le coude) we celebrated two birthdays:

. Cock-a-doodle don't : 63 spring (or 93 or 36 )
. Small ball Cock , a little in advance it is on the 20th, but how old is he ? 67 spring or 76 ?

The Hash hero : Hans Uli for doing a non-sitting sport .....ahahah very funny.

Last but not least after a Christmas drink for us and as at Hash all finish with songs (as in France), our chorus boss King Penguin started the traditional and very well know Hash Hymn
"Swing low Sweet Chariot".

It was night and time to go to Scarborough where we had an absolutely delicious and abundant dinner and also Mosquitos themselves very abundant !

Next Run : Maybe New Year Run January 3rd

Happy Christmas for everybody

French Tart
Envoyé de mon iPad


 

 

 

 

Scribe report 530

Cycohash 1

Some observations on the first and surely not the last venture into cyco sis

 

The Course:

Xanadu the Ballcock Khan did a stately cyclodrome decree, where Hash the sacred harrier ran through puddles measureless to man down to the Tengah sea....

 

The pre run circle:

to flee or not to flee that is the question, whether t'is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous Hashdom .....and drink this foul beer from my shoe or bugger off sharp ish..enormous restraint shown by Hash virgin Hans Ulli in not decking the GM for unfair but hugely amusing new shoes punishment .

 

The Run

We cycled lonely as a clod that floats on high o'er vale and hill,

When all at once we came upon a sight - a host of mud drenched Hasher dills(!)

 

The finish

Is this a car boot which I see before me handle toward my hand come let me  open thee. I see thee still and yet can open not.....

(....Some s..dding  Sorebum  has the key and we can't get the beer)

 

The critique

Up the airy mountain down the rushy glen, we're off our bleeding rockers to ever do this again...

 

The Circle

O' flower of Scotland when will we see your like again.... But in tartan tarts absence we nicked French Tart's red bra and awarded it to cock a doodle do - the resemblance was startling.

 

And finally to the Cyco Hash Hymn

 

Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do!

I'm half crazy all for the love of you,

It won't be a stylish marriage

I can't afford a carriage

But you'll look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle made for two..

 

Well it worked on Arse...

 

KP

  

 

 

 

 

Scribe Report 529

 Sauerkraut, Lyn bin Defuzzed and Mafioso Mongrel have set the bar very high. Fortunately, we all know our way around bars. A brilliant hash through the hills was followed by a Laguna pool swim and fantastic nosh. Need I say more? Probably not but since I have the iPad out and KP is coaching Wales vs South Africa I may as well go on a bit.

 We gathered in a lovely seaside venue on the fringes of Kuala Teriang. The neighbour strimming his grass was a nice touch and made us feel right at home. SBC eventually formed the circle and, not finding any new shoes, punished Cockadoodledon't for wearing  absurd shoes instead of his new trainers. Shortly the pack was off with Arse in the lead and the runners walking behind. Johnny Walker politely inquired if any one wanted to run and then shot off on a trail of his own imagination. The pack headed off up the hill through the suburbs and into the wilds discovering scorpions, beautiful cleared jungle and absurd hillside housing developments.  Good guesswork assisted the FRB's in dog alley where the flour had been cleared by feral mongrels. Bored yet? I am. So let me tell you about the circle. (A note from KP: that was just careless on Wales part)

 SBC took the GM hat and called in the hares who were congratulated on a great run with a minor complaint about lack of flour. 'The dog ate my flour' excuse was held to be unacceptable but really it was a great run and nobody got seriously lost so NFW mate. Speaking in acronyms, FNW was welcomed as a visitor from the PH3 and thoroughly wetted by the executioner on the GM's instructions before being given a chance to drink his down-down down. The circle quickly called the GM to account for abusing protocol and made him take one down the throat. (KP: Quick ball, quick ball!)

 The GM the introduced little blue Chilly Chairs whose seemingly innocuous appearance was belied when ice was added to the seat and Johnny Walker and Tartan Tart demonstrated how to sit on them whilst being immodest. This was to no avail and FNW apparently had no modesty and simply downed pants.  Bionic Bitch, Sore Bum, Anycock'lldo, and many others took the seats including the rarely sighted SlowSuck who just happened by.  So instead of being a deterrent  to keep order in the circle, the Chilly Chairs became the order of the day. Boys with new toys the scribe surmised. All that almost made us forget Alain Delon's birthday toast delightfully taken by French Tart. And Cop-a-leakie being renamed Cock-a-leekie.  (KP says Wales totally wasted that try attempt).

 Ok now we're really bored but let us not forget that there were many leavers, so many in fact that there were no volunteers for hares for the next run and despite the GM accepting both Turd of the week and a Hash Hero award, he also volunteered to 'sort it out' so hopefully we will have a run next time. (KP: Quick! Move it! Ahh! They've got no time left!)

 "Swing Low Sweet Chariot" closed the circle with KP's actions causing the usual merriment.     

 (KP: Squandered!)

 

On On!

 

Arse


We gathered in a lovely seaside venue on the fringes of Kuala Teriang. The neighbour strimming his grass was a nice touch and made us feel right at home. SBC eventually formed the circle and, not finding any new shoes, punished Cockadoodledon't for wearing  absurd shoes instead of his new trainers. Shortly the pack was off with Arse in the lead and the runners walking behind. Johnny Walker politely inquired if any one wanted to run and then shot off on a trail of his own imagination. The pack headed off up the hill through the suburbs and into the wilds discovering scorpions, beautiful cleared jungle and absurd hillside housing developments.  Good guesswork assisted the FRB's in dog alley where the flour had been cleared by feral mongrels. Bored yet? I am. So let me tell you about the circle. (A note from KP: that was just careless on Wales part)

SBC took the GM hat and called in the hares who were congratulated on a great run with a minor complaint about lack of flour. 'The dog ate my flour' excuse was held to be unacceptable but really it was a great run and nobody got seriously lost so NFW mate. Speaking in acronyms, FNW was welcomed as a visitor from the PH3 and thoroughly wetted by the executioner on the GM's instructions before being given a chance to drink his down-down down. The circle quickly called the GM to account for abusing protocol and made him take one down the throat. (KP: Quick ball, quick ball!)

The GM the introduced little blue Chilly Chairs whose seemingly innocuous appearance was belied when ice was added to the seat and Johnny Walker and Speedo demonstrated how to sit on them without being immodest. This was to no avail and FNW apparently had no modesty and simply downed pants.  Bionic Bitch, Sore Bum, Anycock'lldo, and many others took the seats including the rarely sighted SlowSuck who just happened by.  So instead of being a deterrent  to keep order in the circle, the Chilly Chairs became the order of the day. Boys with new toys the scribe surmised. All that almost made us forget Alain Delon's birthday toast delightfully taken by French Tart. And Cop-a-leakie being renamed Cock-a-leekie.  (KP says Wales totally wasted that try attempt).

Ok now we're really bored but let us not forget that there were many leavers, so many in fact that there were no volunteers for hares for the next run and despite the GM accepting both Turd of the week and a Hash Hero award, he also volunteered to 'sort it out' so hopefully we will have a run next time. (KP: Quick! Move it! Ahh! They've got no time left!)

"Swing Low Sweet Chariot" closed the circle with KP's actions causing the usual merriment.      

(KP: Squandered!)

On On!

ArSauerkraut, Lyn bin Defuzzed and Mafioso have set the bar very high. Fortunately, we all know our way around bars. A brilliant hash through the hills was followed by a a Laguna pool swim and fantastic nosh. Need I say more? Probably not but since I have the iPad out and KP is coaching Wales vs South Africa I may as well go on a bit.

 

Note for those not in the know - KP = King Penguin

 

 

Scribe Report 528

 Hares- King Penguin & Arse

 20 Hashers met by the smelly bins at the Book Village car park and were repeatedly called upon to form a circle at 5.30 on the dot by the GM , Johnny Walker, who did much ( NOT ) for resorting to standing on a box to gain attention / respect- who knows? The intro was delayed by the late arrival of , Ta Daa aaaaaah, Mafioso Mongrel and Sauerkraut with lame excuses about fixing washing machines etc. but we aren't fooled, we are all aware by now that they have a water fetish. 

 The hares, King Penguin and Arse described the course as being a choice between walkers and runners-walkers finding a shortened version marked by a signpost en route, although when we arrived at said point King Penguin was there with a welcoming smile and a cheery wave to spur us on our way (s) , - also some water via bridges was to be negotiated.


 Whining Fag Hag as usual , opted not to run, recognising that her forte is
 a) to test the Drosty at regular intervals to ensure that the returning walkers / runners arrive to find their refreshments are at the optimum temperature b) to get enough ciggy smoke above the tree canopy to guide back anyone who may have lost their way as the darkening sky approaches- Well , it has been known to happen !!


 Tartan Tart nominated herself as executioner and just about everyone was executed for all manner of crimes- visitors, , returners, late arrivals he he, Hares (getting too quick and clever by half) and argument , even the GM for the heinous crime of corrupting the words of the Hash Down Down.. Cock a Doodle Doo was punished for having his hands in his pockets and was called something rhyming with tanker- since when can't a man amuse himself ??


 New punishment techniques were introduced involving sitting on a bucket of ice, fortunately it was wrapped. Bionic Bitch nominated herself, a true grit True Brit and demonstrated the said punishment and found it to be refreshingly cool as opposed to excruciatingly icy, due to her having a BIG FAT BUM -her words not mine.

King Penguin then underwent the same fate with the addition of drinking beer wearing a traffic cone on his head- well done!!
Lola and Heinz, Guests of Cock a Doodle Doo and Any Cock Will Do , were punished for unknown crimes , having first been briefed of the rules of the Down Down first in Swahili by Black Label, and then in English ( pigeon ) by Johnny Walker.


The run was voted as being excellent, noted for bridge building and varying levels of difficulties , especially for the ' vertically challenged , short legged of the species '.


 We had a great meal , generous quantities, at Pia s in the Padi at Ula Melaka , So ending another excellent Hash.


 ON ON


 Scribe Cop a Leakie


 Aka Welsh B' ...ARD 


 

Scribe Report #527

  Mongrel Mafioso has been Press Ganged into Service to write this rubbish.

Small Ball Cock was again GM. As per usual he tried to have the hashers form a circle without initial success  - after several attempts he got some sort of order. I presume that The Hardy Hashers have difficulties in taking seriously any instructions from a Small Ball Cocked Pommie Prawn.

After some very vague directions by the hares led by Speedo, The Brave Hashers set off into the unknown. First crossing Oriental Village where the locals did their best to obscure the run and Tourist gaped in amazement at the motley assortment of Strange people sort of meandering purposelessly through a village that is Very Asian in appearance yet has a Swiss Chair lift bang in the middle of it…..I have to confess that I searched in vain for The Yodellers ….Would have made me feel at home.

 At the start Speedo had promised Mongrel Mafioso that a new bridge had been constructed and that no climbing was required…..What Bloody rubbish!!!! (Usually one can rely on the Swiss honesty).  Speedo has been away from his native land too long?

 The run started fine as it was flat for the first km then the bloody hill climb. Initially Hashers tried the roadway but that proved exhaustive. Well at least for the Tail Enders …. Mongrel Mafioso been well known for his lack of speed has no idea what actually happens in the front. He did see however the tail enders take to the stairs as the easier option.

 Where was the bridge????? Speedo and another had obviously placed themselves to assist The Hashers cross the ford…. Couldn’t be done without getting feet wet. So much for new Bridge!

 The forest climb was facilitated by the most obvious signalling that The Langkawi Beach Hashers had ever experienced  - at one stage it was almost illuminated with bright yellow tape to form a highway, the path  had been flanked on either side by yellow tape bizarrely marked Langkawi Mountain Bike Competition….. But we were on foot!!! Hmmmm maybe supplied from the back of a lorry, or is there really a bike competition??!

 Can’t remember who were the executioners but there were two of them they appeared to be very lenient.. We have witnessed far bloodier scenes in the past.

Virgins seem to have been in short supply -  none of The hashers were unable to supply any..This is serious when there are none available on an island the size of LGK.... (Must be all in Paradise waiting for randy terrorists)

Visitors: a bit of confusion here couldn’t make out if it was Sidney from Melbourne or was it Melbourne from Sydney…… These Bloody Strayans are not what they used to be - not a single Goodonya or Oweryourgoing….. Must be the Asian influx into the Lucky Country

Returners were plentiful but ice water scarce..... wonder why since we are in the rainy season?.... More water boys obviously needed.

 In the absence of “Tartan Tart”........ French Tarte – otherwise know as “Framboise in  her native country” was forced into revealing her red bra. Small Ball Cock has an obvious fetish for Red Lady’s lingerie and he continued to persevere till “Any Cock Will Do” showed her red bra as well..... Ladies beware.... You have been warned!

The New Shoe Punishment for Johnny Walker was done – against strict Hash rules – after the run, which resulted in a punishment of the GM for dereliction of duty.

Later rule 6 was applied against the author for wearing a fringed t-shirt which is apparently allowed for females but worn by fat round old man marks him as a poofter.....????? (My excuse was that my dresser was away)

 As darkness fell hashers were finally released from the circle to enjoy a sumptuous dinner at the Malay restaurant in the Oriental Village... Yodellers had obviously gone home by the time we got there so we ate without any reassuring background songs..

 No further details about the circle can be recalled because at this stage the author’s concentration level had reach saturation point.

 The next hash will be organised by King Penguin and Arse.

 Have a nice day and will see you at the next hash.

 

Mongrel Mafioso

 


 

 

Report Run # 526


 WARNING!

 

This is not a laughing matter this is the scribe report done by Sauerkraut of whom you all know she iz German!!!

 Run 526 was organised by Small Ball Cock and Johnny Walker and – even though they didn’t admit to it – most certainly by Black Label and French Tart.

After a quick, harsh and loud welcome echoing around half of Langkawi by the GM, visitors were welcomed and French Tart punished by drinking a bottle of water from her pink running shoes; well they were so obvious she was really asking for it, wasn’t she?

Contrary to what I assume Hash rules are, Small Ball Cock dealt with some private matters publicly by accusing FrenchTart of doing “strange things”, like taking the middle green part off in garlic cloves and onions; fortunately the French got a bit of German support by Sauerkraut and BlackLabel; Johnny  Walker couldn’t help as he was busy laying the trail for the 3rd (?) time due to heavy rain.

The departure was delayed several times as Made On A Train was waited upon but never made it, for reasons unknown. (Did he miss the train??)

When the run eventually got on the way it turned out to be lovely, well marked – see above – slippery and “arosé”  by a downpour. It has to be mentioned that some Hash runners are becoming weaklings as several umbrellas were spotted! Obviously the GM is part of that group as there was no punishment for this later on!

 After everybody returned safely to the departure point the GM started with his usual punishment program helped by King Penguin as the executioner; the visitors Tom Tom and Loose Lips from Adelaide proved to be real Aussies as they wasted no drops of beer despite the pipe arm stiffeners as they poured the beer into each other’s mouth!

Tartan Tart was punished because all these male chauvinist Hash Harriers want to see her red bra; and red it was again after a lapse at the last hash;

 Larshole and Mettehari were punished for being late; their text message was not excuse enough as it was too late; obviously LarsHole saw it all coming as a couple of brown spots were spotted on the back side of his running shorts proving that he was sh...ing himself in fear.

I myself was punished for GM abuse; but isn’t any abuse justified when racism is detected – what world are the Hashers living in?

Early Bird and Arse got watered for being “ natterers” – I am so glad that going to the hash has an effect on my intellectual improvement as well, never heard of that.....

Next Catholics were called into the circle; Sauerkraut was smelling more racism but was lucky to be spared as she renounced officially 30 years ago. Anyway not many came forward, maybe because they didn’t know what being a Catholic would imply, and they only vaguely remembered Henry the 8th and were worried to be decapitated....???? anyway French Tart and Early Bird had to suffer because on the 27th of Sept 1590 – for heaven’s sake that is 523 years ago, a lucky pope died after only having to endure being infallible for 13 days.

And as all good things come in 3s (and because the GM still seemed to have to settle personal matters) French Tart was punished again because DeGaulle didn’t allow the Brits into the European market in 1968; how could she have helped?, she was probably too busy being in the street playing revolutionary.

Everybody was happy to see Wining Fag Hag again after her long absence. She was punished for smoking in the circle – I ask you: what’s new?!

 As she was trying to get some wine down her throat, her sister, seeing her distress, came in for help; that was illegal  - a heinous crime now know as a heinous-rinus crime!

But Wining Fag Hag more than made up by showing that she is a real Hash-Hero when she offered to the Hash the use of the Pajero to all and everybody who wants to organise a Hash but hasn’t got the right vehicle to carry all the necessities around; instead of being watered they tried to dry her – another first for a hash I think - with not much success.

It was further suggested that Fag Hag and Johnny Walker will assure the stocks and the stuff can stay in the car, unless Fag Hag needs the car for friends.

 Finally Brits were called into the circle to commemorate the launch of the QE1; what do they do? they sing the National Anthem so loud that it was almost embarrassing to the non-Brits; well that is the scribe’s view at least.

 And at the end King Penguin and Arse got us all to sing the Langkawi Hash Harriers Anthem and then they volunteered to be the next hares.

 And then, well sorry for all those wimps who didn’t come out because it looked like rain: we had a delicious meal at Lorenzo’s L’Osteria: mouth-watering cheese balls, tomato salad, beef Carpaccio, pizza, penne with tomato sauce and spaghetti with a cream/broccoli sauce YUMMY or LECKER as the we Germans say.

 

On ON

 

Sauerkraut

 

 
 
 
 

Scribe Report Run # 525

 HARES : Lyn bin Defuzzed, Tartan Tart

GM : Small Ball Cock

Attendance 22

0n the Friday 13th of September (bad day or lucky day ???) and under the sun, we met on 99° East Golf Course on the way to the King’s House.

The GM called the Circle :

 New shoes for Matahari  and new socks for Larsehole who drank beer on his sock !!! oui, oui, oui …. It was very funny, he drank not beer but as we say in french « du jus de chaussette »  (sock’s juice).

 For talking non stop the visitors from Perlis, Yvonne drank water on her flip flop.

Tartan Tart and Lyn bin Defuzzed Defuzzed welcome us with a lovely song they created (see below), and specially for Friday 13th  they used very lovely « black cats » as signal on the road.

The runners in the starting blocks started quickly …. Euh… not all, followed by the walkers.

Some walkers were so concentrated to walk on the main road and  careful to the cars they forgot to go left, they had to come back and take the good way. It as a very pleasant small road.

 Maybe in the middle of the run we had a surprise, our two Hares were waiting us with a small « remontant » chlorophyle or Vodka (ouhlàlà). Their attention were very « delicate » but after we understood why !!!! it was the « russian hills » , slipping and rock climbing..

On the way, EffingLaizyBastard lost a shoe, so you can imagine him walking on the rocks with a shoe and a very lovely yellow wool sock. He will loose the other shoe later and finish the run with his socks and his GPS ….Nothing impossible for a Hasher !!!!!!

The Hares every one agree with the lovely run with a good organization. You know why ? it was a women organization, they thought at all details - sorry guys but this is the difference between you and us !!!!

 The Circle was called and Sour Kraut was appointed Executioner, it was her first time and she was a little exciting.

  A cople of Virgins, one Lyn bin Defuzzed ‘s sister, must be the only virgin in Langkawi !!

Visitors from Perlis and Returners, we had leavers all schoolteatchers but their contract is finished.

Tartan Tart punished, she did not have a red bra, but a black as a black cat (Friday 13th).

The GM asked to Mafioso Mongrel if he was superstitious, he said no,  GM said he should be because 13th to arrive and he will be punish.

Sour Kreute was punished because the German relatives on Friday the 13th of September 1940 bombs Buckingham Palace and they missed   the Royal Family !

Sour Kraut, SoreBum, EffingLaizyBastard was punished because he don’t do the scribe 3 months ago, all have to drink with the pipes. It’s a very unic and funny experience.

Larsehole  and Matahari were punished coming late after 5.30pm.

Luke punished because throwing the rugby ball and hit the GM car, heinous crime !!!

Cunning Linguist was made winner  of the Ronald MacDonald look a like competition with his colorful clothes and ginger hairs.

The Canadian visitor from Perlis Yvonne was named MOOSE FACE.

Sore Bum had not returned the Hash turd, she got to keep it for another 2 weeks.

CunningLinguist was Hash Hero for going with Larshole to try to fix his puncture on his rubbish mercedes.

NextRun on Friday 27th September. Hares : Johnny Walker and Small Ball Cock

We went for a nice meal on the Fish restaurant on the coast road. Lyn bin Defuzzed asked everyone to find some superstitions. As :

 Breaking a mirror, walking under a ladder or opening an umbrella in the house will bring you bad luck .

Don’t place the bread on the table upside down, you risk not having any food at all.

If your ears are buzzing its because someone is talking about you.

Etc….etc…….

She also cooks for dessert some very delicious chocolate Biscatties., and everybody sings Happy Birthday to MiniMee.

Finally it was a very lovely and lucky Friday 13th .

ON ON YER BASTARDS !

French Tart

 

FRIDAY 13TH 

Friday 13th – unlucky for some,

But don’t be afraid when you’re on the run –

There are garlic & black cats along the way,

To keep all those evil spirits at bay.

 

There’s no ladder to side step, cracked pavements to cross,

With water we’ll not to Sauerkraut say ‘Prost’.

French Tart do not carry cats o’er the stream,

Seeing  Dragonflies will make Speedo scream!

 

Sore Bum won’t hear the Hungry Ghost wail,

Mafioso don’t lift that coin showing its tail.

Hope that Lin bin Defuzzed gets no fantails indoors,

Rocking cradles when empty’s what TT  deplores.

 

So fingers are crossed, you all have a good run -

We think we’ve made it a whole lot of fun,

And if a bird should on your head poo

Then that’s really, really lucky for you!

 

Small Ball Cock don’t fret -

We did not forget

You mustn’t pass someone on the apple n pears

On On n good luck from your 2 lovely hares!

  

 

 

 
 
 

Scribe Report Run # 524

HARES   Mettehari and Larshole

GM   Small Ball Cock

ATTENDANCE   12

Twelves Hashers met at the road to the shooting range off Jalan 'Helter Skelter'. This was the location for the historic Royal Wedding Hash when Lady Kate Deadwood married Prince William Small Ball Cock. The location is not marked with a blue plaque but a two meter, round Tenaga electrical cable reel.

Lyn bin Defuzzed arrived looking particularly attractive (she was carrying her second slab of Tiger that she owed for her name change).

The GM called the circle. No new shoes so Hares, Matahari and Larshole explained the run. This was all news to Larshole. “An old run with a twist”, Matahari said. But then Small Ball Cock added another twist. On this day in 1997, Yves Pol, a Frenchman completed the New York Marathon in 3 hours, 57 minutes, 57 seconds. Ok but not remarkable until you find out he ran the whole race backwards. The French are the experts in backwards running, they have been practising for years.

I had set a chair on the trail about 150 yards from the start and instructed everyone that they had to run, walk or crawl backwards till they reached the chair, then they could turn round and continue normally. Then do the same on the way back when they reached the chair.

Oddly, it took a French person, French Tart 3 hours 57 minutes, 57 seconds to reach the chair. Crossing the main road backwards proved to be a challenge for many, but they have problems crossing roads forwards.

On on, up and down for miles along Jalan Helter Skelter before turning right on a pretty mini-tar and then right again into the forest. Over, or more like through, a stream then under the electrical pylons.

 At the top of a hill there was a rope hanging from a tree. Front runner, Johnnie Walker (make your mind up) tried to hang himself. Then his German analytical brain kicked in and he worked out it was to help us get down the bank and back to the road. Here there was a sign that pointed walkers in one direction and us runners in the other.

 Up a small road and then down a twisty track till we met the bloody chair again! Who's silly idea was this? It had been positioned by sneaky Larshole to make runners suffer even more. 

Why not the walkers? So we ran in backwards.

The walkers returned soon after with a confused Lyn bin Defuzzed. She had run and walked a totally different route to everyone else. I thought she should not have been running after being recently defuzzed.

The circle was called and after two attempts. Black Label was appointed Executioner. Her first victim was Lyn bin Defuzzed. Her crime? Blatant boasting. In her scribe of the previous run, she casually mentioned that she 'came in first'. A HEINOUS CRIME! So she faced the ordeal with the Down Down Pipes.

 A couple of returners were punished before Tartan Tart's Merdeka day red bra was made visible by the magic ice water. Olivier was punished for watering the trees with his own magic water. It was also the anniversary of the launch of the Austin Mini in 1959. So in the absence of Mini Mee his step-mum, Tartan Tart was doused.

 French Tart and Sore Bum were punished for something, probably nattering or, knowing those two, a lack of respect for the GM. Speedo's English failed him again. He had reported that in Lyn bin  Defuzzed's scribe she had got her own name wrong. “She bloody call herself Lyn bin Defused”. Wrong, although this may have also been quite suitable. His Swiss engineering skills were as bad as his English as he totally failed to master the Down Down Pipes.

 But the German lateral thinking approach to the pipes helped Johnnie Walker as he was punished for being too dry.

 Randy Mandy was made Hash Hero as she missed the run, (very sadly maybe her last), because she took a sweet puppy, that joined us before the run, to the vets. Sore Bum complained to the GM, “Get on with it, I am hungry!” Error. She was made to eat shit when she got the Hash Turd.

 Randy Mandy led us in singing, 'My Eyes Are Dim I Cannot See' and she brilliantly made up verses involving us all as she went along. Tartan Tart and Lyn bin Something are our Hares for the next run on Friday 13thSeptember. Lucky for some.

 We had an excellent dinner at Thailandish. Well done Hares for another great Hash.

 ON, ON YER BASTARDS !

 Small  Ball Cock

 

 

 

title

Click to add text, images, and other content


 

Welcome

Recent Photos

Recent Blog Entries

by langkawibeachhash3 | 54 comments

Recent Forum Posts

Newest Members