Langkawi Beach Hash 
House Harriers

Subtitle

Scribe report run 612

Dear all, to have the full content of this report we suggest that you translate the following ..-..( from Danish to your preferred language).


Vi var ikke så mange til dette løb, 9 sjæle mødte op.Efter at være kaldt til cirklen, og vores GM havde budt velkommen, blev vi informeret af harerne, at dagens løb ikke blev et løb ! Men en gåtur på 6,3 km. Skøn tur i det grønne, de fleste rismarker var tilplantede og den nye ris, tittede op af vandet.
Efter en dejlig gåtur blev der kaldt til cirklen igen, og der var ikke nogen afstraffelser, kedeligt nok, for som alle ved, elsker undertegnede at "afstraffe" - koldt vand har en dejlig opkvikkende virkning her i varmen!
Vores GM havde andre tiltag .. En Quiz, dejligt med nye tiltag.. og så var der præmier,- endnu bedre!
Spørgsmålet var, hvor gammel Catherine Hepburn var? En del spurgte til, om hun levede, det forsikrede vores GM om*!
Nå, men efter en del skud, vandt undertegnede en øl med et bud på 115 år.
* det viste sig senere at vores GM havde omgået sandheden, da Catherine døde i 2004! Hun blev 97 år! Ifølge vores GM var det rigtige svar 110 År!
Nok om det, men forfriskende med en konkurrence, noget der skulle tages op som et fast indslag under efterfølgende hashløb.
Et andet emne vores GM fremførte, var muligheden om at indføre en ny salgsartikel, nemlig "kamel tæer"! Efter sidste hash, hvor vi fik læst og påskrevet, hvad det gik ud på, blev der vist eksempler på disse, i forskellige størrelser. Et meget afskrækkende syn, eller sagt med andre ord, "et syn for guder". Der sættes store spørgsmåltegn til, om ikke vores GM, skal finde på noget bedre at sælge!
Aftenen endte på Resturant Coco, hvor vi fik et udsøgt måltid mad og denne gang med en forret, som faldt i alles smag. Tak for det Coco og Steve.
Næste hashløb bliver arrangeret af vores "Small Ball Cock" og "French Tart".
Mange tak for et godt arrangement til "Lyn Bin Defuzzed" og "Coming From Behind".

Mettehari og Larshole


HASH TRASH

Run 611

28 April 17

Hares:   Mettehari and Larshole

For those who live in Kuah directions to the Angry Buffalo or the Happy Hog, or Smiling Frog (so many to keep up with on the exclusive side of the island) can be a bit of a challenge. However, with the hashers' inbuilt sense of direction the one attendee from Kuah made it just in time for the calling of the circle by….Made In China!  What is this, a takeover, an ousting or a military coup?  Seems that our erstwhile GM Small Ballcock pleaded to be excused duties due to a loss of voice. Not that anyone noticed this ailment as his verbosity seemed to be in no way diminished.

In the circle one new shoes paid the penalty. It was obviously a cunning set up as it later transpired that he was a guest of Made In China.  So, eleven hash persons and one dog were given somewhat complex and oft repeated directions by Mettehari to such an extent that by the time she had finished many had forgotten where she had started. Only the dog, Hash Kash, seemed unconfused. The main point that she emphasised was the number of checks and false trails, and for the first runner to scrape the check point with his or her foot to indicate the correct direction. Amazingly for rebellious hashers this rule was adhered to and worked well. Also a warning to beware of frisky water buffalo. We were, nearly having lost Lyn Bin Defuzzed to a horny beast one time before. She also had a problem with a bull.

The run commenced and within one minute both the GM and his stand-in being so engrossed in deep and meaningful conversation completely missed the trail arrow indicating that we should turn right and they blissfully continued straight on.  The rest of us turned right over the bridge and alongside the river. The trail came out by Cenang Walk and then veered left across the road and into the paddy fields and water buffalo country. It was here, down a long and winding path, that Yours Truly found himself lost and alone. Not a grain of flour anywhere and no sight or sound of the front runners. So, following the setting sun I was surprised to come across both GM and his stand-in similarly searching for flour, and still engrossed in deep verbal intercourse (no, that is not a rude act) about the meaning of life, and sex, and sex, and…….
So, we forged our own trail through the paddy fields and eventually found our way back but upon reaching the run site, instead of being welcomed home we were subjected to abuse and derision for delaying proceedings. However after a cold tiger all was once again well with the world.

In the circle again and this time the volunteer executioner being the now miraculously recovered Small Ballcock. Proceedings were ably conducted by Made In China who drew our wavering attention to many completely irrelevant facts. One more interesting iota was that due to the rape and pillaging of the Vikings 30% of Brits have the “benefit” of Danish blood in their veins. Our Danish hares stood proud! We were then told that it would have been a much greater percentage but the Vikings also enjoyed raping the men but to date no subsequent colonic conception has ever occurred (although George Michael was reputedly working on it). However, when looking around at so many arseholes walking about UK I find that hard to believe!
Two virgins were present and one of them, Emma, a very pretty, articulate and demure young lady kindly explained to all what a cameltoe is, what it looks like, and how the female anatomy…..ahem…..down there…..can mould itself around tight fitting apparel so as to be visually on display even when not. If ever there was a conversation stopper this was it. Even Small Ballcock was choked into silence which was only punctuated by the sound of heavy breathing. The drooling old men of the hash were dumbfounded in disbelief and so asked her to explain it all again, which she did. Feeling faint, more tiger beers were needed. How did this fascinating conversation start? By Made in China who had earlier most rapturously announced that men can now buy cameltoe briefs and hide things in the bulge. This was almost too much. It then transpired much to communal embarrassment (not an emotion generally familiar to hashers) that the lovely Emma is Made In China’s daughter. Wow! What to say except soreeee Martin. After that no one had the energy for the usual rendition of “Swing Low”.

And so, On On to the food. It was at Shin Mei and was delicious and plentiful and in a very nice setting. Well done to the hares for a well laid run / walk along the river and through the paddy fields. The checks and false trails worked well apart for those of us with ancient and feeble eyesight, and well done for organising the great meal.

Floppy.

Report Run No 610.


Hares Karsanogenic,  oh how I love that name, and MucArse, with more than a little help from Kate the slave cyclist and Hash Cash who savoured most of the trees en route.


Premierement,  I wish I could speak Francaise because the last report sounded so sexy!!


Secondement, we met just past PL Soon Huat and some of the ladies arrived only just in time because they could not pass such a big shop without stopping to buy something.


Turdement,   Small Ball Cock called the circle and could not find any fools with new shoes and despite a lot of abuse he kept his upper lip stiff and called in the Hares at about 6.03. They described the run in detail  telling us all about cows, horns and udders amongst udder things. Then canals and roads marked all on the right and some left and right and walkers and runners. Although it was Good Friday I was already beginning to feel not that good.


Anyway after all of that we finally set off at about 6.30 towards the cows who luckily were tied up and could not ssharge.  The four runners quickly  streaked off into the distance hooting merrily at the nobodies behind them leaving us walkers strolling along and pondering such things as why Arsenal are such an awful football team, why people decide to get married and Larshole kept looking out for skirts, wishful thinker, he may need some counseling!
Lyn Bin defuzzed very quickly became disenchanted with the walker’s pace, company and  bull…..chatter, so she chose to become a running walker which is probably a sin.Undeturd  away she went.


About half way around what was a lovely flat and picturesque, oooh more French,  run/walk, we spotted a few of the local landed gentry astride their motorbikes under a bamboo tree in the middle of nowhere. It was already dusk so they could not be sheltering from the mid day sun…..so who knows??   On On.
Soon, well not that soon actually, but several kilometers and lack of flour later,  we neared the  end, and once again passed the cows who luckily did not ssharge our brightly coloured T shirts, raised the odd horn that was all, and we got back to find Lyn Bin de fuzzed already on her third tiger….but  no runners in sight, quelle strange!


The reason for this was soon revealed, Tartan Tart had been looking fruitlessly for flour of which there was a dearth, so she failed to notice a foot high boulder in the road which she then tripped over pretending to be an Arsenal  player but in this case really injuring herself. The other three runners – all ladies incidentally – shame on us men, stopped to help her which eventually earned them hero status.  Had it been men the outcome may have been different - probably would have been arrested…on on.

So back at the circle we formed a rough circle. Yours truly managed to find the only spot above an ants nest with some embarrassing results which we will not talk about in polite company.

Executioner, Lyn Bin defuzzed volunteered and was clearly concerned about her role as a running walker, to the extent that given the option of self execution (there must be a word for this) or executing somebody else she promptly doused herself in icy water, sure sign of a guilty conscience.
Virgins, sadly none.  Newcomers two. Beth and Kate and they were welcomed with the usual lack of pomp and ceremony.
Deserters – too many for me to remember we almost ran us out of Skol.  Let’s hope we will have a few returners at the next one.


Larshole raised a sensitive question about financial irregularities claiming dfuzzed (for short) had been seen peddling off the island on a shiny new bicycle and the cash box key was missing. Dfuzzed countered with an accusation concerning the locker not being locked at all, a situation which I sadly had to concur with. There goes my free beer stash. A battle of criminal minds ensued and GM despite constant abuse from the crowd stepped in to mediate and sat them both on Ice.  This left GM with a dilemma (French?) because he now had no executioner. Bravely in stepped  Mettehari  delighted to fill the vacant role. 
Naming discrepancy.  GM noted that there had been a naming discrepancy on run 609. Cod Piece as he was wrongly christened should really have been called Cod Piss. (more francaise)
Hash hero. Further endless discussion and abuse of the GM, resulted in all four running Ladies, so Tartan Tart, Coming from behind, Mettehari and Hanneballs Letcher  all being awarded the honour.
Hash Turd – I think was both Larshole and dfuzzed, but if you said it was un trompe, you may be vrai.   


The anthem was badly perfomed as usual by GM and yours truly, both often swinging low or cummin' in the wrong places, but the skol ridden crowd loved it anyway.


The meal was at The Roof restaurant, or maybe the 7 Roofs restaurant, and saw a new worrying segregation emerge amongst our ranks with one table made up entirely of women! The men could not get a foot in, or would that read better as a leg over. Needless to add that one table also turned out to be a noise hazard under the new health and safety for runners rules.
Food was great, excellent variety and taste. 

Next run on  28th at 5.30.     Hares Larshole and Mettehari.

Say sa. Fini.  Un tres bon newt had by all.

Mademoiselle en Chine

Hash Report -Run 609

Hares : Lyn Bin Defuzzed - "Fabriqué en Chine"
GM : S.B.C

We met somewhere near the Book Village and Agri Park.
Comme d'hab. the circle was called. The GM, looked for new shoes, but nothing. Who would like to have to drink beer in his shoe ???? Nobody of course, beurk, beurk ... it is a little "dégueulasse" !

The Hares indicated us the run. It was marked with flour and some toilet paper. Three false trails.
Et c'est parti !!! For around 5kms.

It was a very lovely run, charming but not flat ! We had to go up and up and up !!!! Pffft you though it was the end, not at all, a little flat and up again . Hopefully we went down.

The runners came back first and who were the last ? Fish & Tits, MucArse, Clive, Karsanogenic, me and Hash Cash, The lovely dog.
Clive and Karsanogenic were talking and talking, they were so much occupied to talk, they did not see the circle with the direction and they took the false trail !
We were above and did see them. We called them, nothing ... we returned, nobody ! We were a little worried. But Hash Cash found them. Ouf !!!! we came back all together safely but a little late.

The second circle was formed. MucArse decided to be the Executioner.
Every one liked the run, very charming and well done, so the Hares had a dry drink.

There was two "contestataires" : Metahari and Hanabals Lecher. They accused Tartan Tart who was running above them, did not marked the circle. Tartan Tart reply she did not have to do that because she was running on the right trail and she did not have to come back and marked the circle. So they run on the false trail and had to come back.
Finally all circle voted the three had to be punished.

We had a naming, Clive. He talked about him and his life, it was very funny. I    did not understand all, but never mind.
We had two choices : Cod Piece or Pish & Chips. A l'unanimité he has been christened Cod Piece or Cod Piss ????

The Hash Hymn was leading by "Fabriqué en Chine" and "Petites Boules Coq".

The dinner was at the Restaurant "My Chef" at Kuah. As his name "ne l'indique pas" , it is a Chinese Restaurant.

We had a very good food, beers and drinks to "clôturer" cette agréable journée.

Good Hash, good dinner with lovely friends... Elle est pas belle la vie ????

French Tart

SCRIBE REPORT FOR RUN 608

(The St. Patrick's Day Run)


HARES   Tartan Tart and Golden Shower

GM   Small Ball Cock

ATTENDANCE   Four hands and a couple of fingers


The craic was good at Tartan Tart's
And we came to rest our feet
With Tigers flying and Floppy crying
The Hashers began to eat
Oh mother dear, we're over here
And we're never coming back
What keeps us here is the reek of beer
The hashing and the craic
We come from far and wide
The lands of eggs and bacon
And if you think we'll eat your curry
Oh Lord you're not mistaken.

With apologies to Dominic Behan

We met in a clearing above the Tsunami Village at Kuala Teriang. 99% of us wearing something green. Mettehari and Larshole with a green leaf sticking out from the Danish bacon bonces.

The circle was called and the GM, me, announced that as it was St Patrick's day, it would be an Irish Hash. So instead of new shoes being punished, silly shoes were to be punished. Piss Artist, Any-Cock-Will-Do and MucArse were spotted with flip flops and silly saddles. Have you ever tried to drink out of a flip flop? They tried pretty unsuccessfully.

The Hares instructed us on the run, It was marked with flour and Irish newspaper (toilet roll). Also we would discover two false trails and there were four paper shamrocks. Any Hasher could only pick one of these to claim a prize later.

Off we went with Mettehari the Dane, the front runner, and Clive the pain, the back walker. Lovely paths and tracks through the lush forest. We had our ups and downs but none too steep. We all arrived back to base safely. Hang on, where's Clive? Ah, only a few minutes behind, he came in escorted by a motor cyclist outrider, (Mini Mee).

On our return we were each given a quiz of ten Irish questions. The non-Brits looked even more confused than usual.

Now the second circle was formed. And SBC GM said in honour of St Paddy's day, anyone could escape being punished if they told an Irish joke. French Tart, in true Irish fashion shouted out “I 'ave a joke” even though she wasn't due to be punished. Old Bailey and Jackoff volunteered to be Executioners. No Irish jokes so they executed themselves, although it took two attempts. Everyone thought the run was excellent, creeps, so the Hares had a dry drink.

Then our German virgin, Peter. No chance of a German having any jokes let alone an Irish one.

Next a mass execution for the heinous crime of not replying to Hare, Golden Shower as to their intended participation. French Tart said (again) “I 'ave a joke.” It was a pretty good Irish Joke but was even funnier told with a French accent instead of an Irish one.

Piss Artist, who wore nothing green that we could see was next. Cunningly, she tried to escape punishment by retelling MucArse's joke. Good try but no cigar, just cold water. Then our front runner, Mettehari, who had somehow managed not to find any of the obviously placed shamrocks. Of course Larshole was called to douse the spouse. The usual matrimonial water fight ensued.

There was a toast for our departed hasher, Lick me BallZack who has gone to the big kennel in the sky. Then a naming, Julie who had just completed her third amble. It came down to a choice of two; Smelly Down Under and Fish and Tits. This was purely due to her career in fish and chips and living in Australia. Fish and Tits got the vote and she was duly christened.

I made Tartan Tart Hash hero knowing the lengths she had gone to for a treat for us all later. No, not sex!

The usual nattering suspects, Old Bailey, Floppy Rod, MucArse and Karsanogenic were in and out of the chilly chairs as usual. Several escaped punishment with school boy and school girl Irish jokes.

One of the biggest jokes was Made in China and your GM attempting to fill King Penguin and Arse's boots by leading the Hash hymn. Very Irish. The Hares instructed us to follow them for the food. Tartan Tart had arranged to have the dinner to be catered at her house. A superb feast with Leechie Lassie, Mini Mee and Taz all doing a fabulous job to make sure all ran smoothly. About the only running all evening!!

Golden Shower and yours truly won the Irish quiz. Nothing to boast about with a pathetic three and a half out of ten. Well, if we had scored ten it would hardly have been very Irish. Four of us picked up prizes for picking up shamrocks.

Remember all you avid readers, at the next Hash we will be naming Clive, husband of long suffering Fish and Tits. So thinking caps on and let’s have some great, horrible, suitable linked suggestions. Well done Hares for a particularly special Hash.

ON, ON YER BASTARDS!

Small Ball Cock







HASH TRASH RUN 607

Hares: King Penguin and Arse

PADDY FIELDS AND FISH-N-CHIPS : EAST MEETS WEST AT PADANG LALANG

Twenty four wannabe athletes were called to order in KP and Arse’s garden by the sea. No new shoes or virgins were present so the hares pre-brief was just that; brief.  No hills, no false trails, no tricks, 7 kms for runners and 5kms for those weaklings who prefer to follow the W—K sign. So my old boy scoutmaster was right; it does make you weak.

So off we set. The directions were precise and the trail impeccably marked. Exactly 7kms and 5kms. Could have been set by the Royal Navy, except no boy in a barrel.
The route took us back to the Asia of old. Beautiful scenic paddy fields with the scent of the recent harvest and newly cut grass. Cows and water buffalo grazing in the fields, gurgling streams, and towards the end of the trail brackish inlets from the sea filled with mangroves. Everywhere the sound of birdsong.
We eventually emerged from paradise to cross Tanjung Rhu road where the trail then followed the beach back to the runsite. Cold tiger beer had never tasted better.

Now to the serious business of the circle. GM appeared to be losing some of his authority as no amount of his stern admonishments could silence the talkers and natterers. He even had to resort to using copulative adjectives ( F words for you Aussies). When this vulgar misuse of the Queens English was objected to the GM became even more belligerent and the chilly chairs were put to much posterior numbing use. Adrian DeTurd in particular was made to endure waterboarding by having water forced up his nose while drinking a down down with iced gonads. Tartan Tart was ordered to reveal cleavage and then doused in the blouse department by the less than gentlemanly executioner. Throughout there was much mention of wet bottoms, both warm and cold. Which brings us back to the subject of the Royal Navy.
The circle was finally brought to a close with a rousing chorus of Swing Low, this time with extremely animated and enthusiastic gestures of what is now politely referred to as self love. This is confusing for us oldies as it was always fondly and with much drooling detail described by my old boy scoutmaster as beginning with a W.  Bless him!

And then, on on to Scarborough on the beach where the fish and chips went down an absolute treat. Perfect!

A fantastic run and a great evening. Well done to all, and particularly the hares for the use of their Istana.

Floppy.


Hash report 606

Took place in Kedawang. Large attendance 30+ people.
Hares were Small Ball Cock and French Tart.

Good run reported by walkers and runners.

No new shoes but lots of virgins, returners and visitors.

Made in China and Cock a Doodle Don't were executioners.

Lots of danish who couldn't understand hash rules and dirty jokes but laughed in the right places.

MucArse and Julie were punished for talking and Made in China for wearing pink shorts.

Tommy for washing his feet in the drinks eski!

Namings were for Tommy who became Thomas the Wank Engine and zac the dog who was named lickmyballzac!

Cost of future hash to rise to 35rm.

Next hares are KP and Arse.

Arse & King Penguin sang I can't get no satisfaction as Mick Jagger's birthday followed by hash hymn.

Dinner was very good at fat mums.

On On

Piss Artist
HASH TRASH run 605

Hares Adrian De turd and Bigapist

A Very Different Run

This time, instead of gathering in snake infested jungle, 19 of us were called to order in an urban setting in Kuah town by the sports stadium. No problem as the local inhabitants were friendly but a little curious of our later dousing and singing.
One virgin, Chris, was welcomed. No new shoes so the pre-run briefing began.
The directions were brief and to the point. Go that way. Towards the garbage tip. Follow your noses. Four false trails…..now  bugger off.
These are the directions that the average short attention span hasher appreciates most. Why waste verbage and articulation on those who cannot process more than three words at a time.

And so, On On.  The trail, after the garbage tip, followed roads leading to and through mostly low cost residential housing and apartment estates, areas where the the average expat would rarely venture in to. However, most of the streets and narrow alleys between the apartment blocks were seen to be surprisingly clean and tidy as we ran past, and many residents had individualised their yards with seating areas, swings and created small gardens. All were friendly at this foreigner invasion and smiles and waves were numerous.
The trail was well marked and the false trails worked well in keeping the pack together. Some confusion where traffic had obliterated flour markings but it all worked out well in the end.  

Back at the gathering the circle was quickly called in order to attend to extraordinary urgent business. A kangaroo court convened and GM roused all to a frenzy of bloodlust over the most heinous crime ever committed (allegedly) by one of our own, in failing in his duty as hare and purveyor of hash beer. Fair and unbiased  justice protocol and due process was adhered to in that the miscreant was unanimously declared guilty (in absentia), the need for evidence having been ruled irrelevant.  Oedipussy was to be defrocked, have his b------ (buttons?) ceremoniously cut off. And worst of all to be renamed. Various somewhat uncomplimentary names were tossed into the fray and the top one, and by which the culprit will evermore be known as is…..Hareless Pussy.
Could anything be worse than to be named after Googles most sought after search term? Many hashers would be proud of such an accolade.
Executions and ritual humiliations followed in short order.
No hash hero this time as acts of valour were in short supply, and the hash turd seemed to be missing.
Nonetheless, an enjoyable run and well done to the hares for successfully laying on something a bit different.

The food was also a very civilised venue at the Art Café in Kuah who laid on a very tasty feast.  Misgivings about hashers being unable to properly conduct themselves in polite society were put on hold. Some could actually use a knife and fork quite well after being shown how.
But then so do chimpanzees!

On On…..
Floppy

Hash 604
Bukit Lembu, with cow pats fittingly surrounding us, the group of around 20 gathered.  It was a cloudy afternoon, not too hot and perfect weather to welcome back to Langkawi the wayward Europeans who escape their winter.  
After finally getting the reunions and nattering under control, our GM (Small Ball Cock) formed the circle.  As always, the search was on for the crime of New Shoes. Tommy from Denmark (who was also a Virgin) sportingly surrendered and downed the beer from his shoe.  Tommy, who has yet to learn the custom of complaining, arguing and claiming various injustices, cheerily said afterwards, and I quote, “Thank you for the welcome”.   How polite! Gotta give it to those Danes!   
Following the official welcome, the Hares (Coming from Behind and Lyn Bin De-Fuzzed) explained the run and off we went. It was a lovely lush, scenic (and well marked!) run.  We walked/ran across padi fields, up and down hills, past little houses tucked into the jungle, all under nice cloud cover but without rain.  
Luckily everyone found it home to Cow Pat Central and  agreed that the hares had done a super job and the run was fabulous.  The GM then turned to the real business of the day.  After delegating the jobs of scribe (Bigapist) and Executioner (Golden Shower) the fun began.  Who was a Virgin?  Ah, Tommy again.  Still wet behind the ears despite the ‘shoe incident’ he was once again obliging for his execution.  Tartan Tart on the other, hand, knew the ropes well and despite protesting loudly, was executed at the same time for Undermining.  Who or what, I don’t know.
And onto the many Returners. Armin the Shit, Dirty Gerty, Sauerkraut, Stumbleweed, Floppy Rod, Old Bailey, French Tart, Small Ball Cock, Golden Shower and Piss Artist.   It was glory days for Golden Shower who loved every moment, even though he needed to be executed himself. There’s a name for people like him.
Following the returner punishments, Small Ball Cock (GM), who must have been feeling particularly sadistic, introduced a new range of “Sartorical” offences. We think he meant “sartorial” but that will teach him for using big words.  Piss Artist and Lyn Bin De-Fuzzed were sat in icy chairs for wearing 2012 tee shirts, Golden Shower for wearing cheap and nasty shoes and for executing the aforementioned with such glee.  The crime of wearing mismatching clothing belonged to Arse and Sauerkraut who were duly executed amid a LOT of logical objections and requests to approach the bench.    Adrian De Turd enjoyed this execution and copped a punishment himself for smirking at the  mismatched outfits. It should be forever known that Langkawi Hashers will not tolerate scruffy bastards.   Karsanogenic on the other hand was looking too well dressed and thus received a dousing for making us all look bad.  Just goes to show, you can’t win, even if you try.
Moving on, there was much debate about the Hash Hero award.  Contenders were the new Grandies, Cockadoodle Don’t and Any Cock’ll Do, the Hares for such a good run and Stumbleweed who had come to hash despite just getting off a plane.  Given that rising above jetlag to attend Hash is held in high esteem, Stumbleweed won the award.
Where there’s a hero there’s also villain, or as it’s called, the Hash Turd.  This award was discussed at length with some side show alley to keep it amusing. Old Bailey was punished with the ice chair for being critical and dobbing on Adrian De Turd or some such nonsense.  Floppy Rod was also offensive and had his hemorrhoids massaged in the ice chair.  There was some debate about an “unnatural friendship” between Small Ball Cock and Golden Shower but those sneaky buggers avoided being iced.  Funny that.  Attention was eventually brought back to the job of The Hash Turd which was duly given to an absent Oedipussy for crimes against beer and other responsibilities.  He shall be renamed next Hash.
Finally, as no-one is left out, King Penguin voted that even dogs can be named after attending the hash three times.  He must be barking mad.  The vote had some legs (maybe four?) and thus Hash Cash who looked like she couldn’t give a toss, was welcomed to the gang.  We will look forward to seeing her in a tee shirt next time.
The Hares for the next few HHH were sorted out - next time it’s Bigapist/Adrian De Turd, then there’s a gap for 17/2/17 (any takers?) , followed by King Penguin/Arse and then by Golden Shower/Tartan Tart.
Finally, the hash was over and King Penguin lead us into song.  The reason  you hit your head whilst holding one leg in the air in a certain part of the song is still a mystery to some of us, KP.  But somehow I think we’d rather just not know than be given an explanation.  
On on
Bigapist.


Hash Run 603

due to late arrival the scribe report can’t cover the full hash event and whatever happened at the opening circle will always remain undocumented and a mystery for those who weren’t there….

after Oedipussy has let the Langkawi Beach Hash down - and certainly will face major punishment the next time he shows up (if he ever will find the courage to do so?!)  - at a very short notice the run was prepared by Bugshifter  + Feetallfungus
Surprise, surprise, we met at Pia’s in the Padi but were told that we would not stay on for dinner there; so it was a nice surrounding to have the circle and easy to park.

King Penguin was GM and slightly ill prepared which - in his favour - we put down to ongoing jet lag symptoms!
We all decided that it was an excellent run and that the hares had done a fabulous job; weather was on their side fortunately as we had a dry spell for most of the afternoon and into the run.
Arse and Tartan Tart were executioners and were reprimanded along the circle for being soft; they didn’t really take that to heart and continued in a rather leisurely  manner.
First to be called into the circle were the scribe (Sauerkraut) and Mafioso Mongrel for being late; no question asked and no excuses accepted even though they had good reasons. Anyway a gulp of beer was welcomed to us as we had had a bit of stress.
Next one called into the circle were the bunch of Lyn Bin Defuzzed in-laws;  amazing that they came all the way from New Zealand and Australia for a hash! Surely they could have found a local one and saved the money!
Then the usual thing about returners, visitors and so on until we were asked about “New Years resolutions”; at that moment the intelligence of the Hashers came to life: NO such a thing as a NY Resolution! very wise as the BBC reported on the 1.1.2017 that only 8% are kept anyway; so why bother?
Since no other important business had to be dealt with the GM - cum walking wikipedia - bored us with historic events of the day ( 6th of January) going back as far as 1099 when Henry V got to the throne of Germany (GM had to rub that one in didn’t he?) to 1929 when Mother Theresa was born.

The still missing Turd was rewarded as a Double Turd to the absent Pussy… for letting the Hash down; Adrian de Turd was mentioned for a turd award as well because he had been spotted caressing his bike; I guess the GM meant to remind him that he should put his attention to Sue rather than to his bike; not sure if the message sunk in!?
Hash hero was Cameron - a Lyn Bin Defuzzed Tribe member for doing the Hash photo shooting.

After clearing the site and making sure no ice was left on the lawn - thought one would worry more about rubbish than ice which melts in seconds in this climate - we went to Shin Mei for a “light” meal; even though lots of Hashers raided their fridges once they got back home the company was excellent.

Coming up hares are:
Lyn Bin Defuzzed and Coming from Behind for Friday 20th of Jan.
Psycho Bitch and Adrian de Turd for the one after

Take care and keep well
Sauerkraut

Christmas Hash Run 602 – 23 Dec 2016

Ho Ho Ho – A super Christmas run was organized in Kampung Ranggot Kecil by hares Tartan Tart and Sauerkraut! The stars were in our favor and ready to be picked up in yellow/runners and red/walkers for a Christmas special prize. Our GM Small Ball Cock welcomed us to Christmas run 602 and he must have been under Santa’s spell to let new shoes of a young male newbie go by, or perhaps his age of 70 finally has made him soft? The hares explained the run and collecting stars game with special explanation of trail setting for our newbies especially the Kiwi family from New Zealand - friends of Jacky (soon to be named) Heh Heh Heh, oops I meant Ho Ho Ho. Over rice paddies we started and once past the main road collecting stars started in the kampong and forest. Half way a very nice surprise from Tartan Tart and Santa in disguise of Mafioso Mongrel was awaiting the runners/walkers. A tasty punch with a true “punch” of rum and delicious Christmas pies were served. With this extra fuel we were send straight up a steep hill with a slippery descent … hmm were we lucky it did not rain that afternoon!

Other excitements were also offered along our run in the form of a huge black bull. According to French Tart the runners had enraged it and it came charging towards her forcing the French Tarts into retreat and short cutting the walk. However, many claimed never to have seen any bull, so who to believe???
After the run GM called the circle and Prick van Dyke volunteered (to) quickly for scribe. Again softy GM agreed to have an executioner Lyn bin Defuzzed who did not want to execute herself, but instead Maid in China had to execute himself as replacement?? Later on Maid in China had to help execute more thoroughly and was granted co-execution rights.
The hares were called to the circle and all congratulated them on the excellent run and a dry down down down was granted. The newbie Kiwi family and a friendly couple were welcomed appropriately with drinks and cold water showers. Our visitor, Lazy Dick, was not taught correctly by his hash club and started to drink beer too soon - of course quickly corrected by our circle and punished appropriately by both executioners.
Then GM turned on the returners; Prick van Dyke and Coming from Behind, but could not escape his own hideous crime of missing run 601 himself, so was forced to join the returners. Small Ball Cock got nicely wet regardless of his drinking speed, and Coming from Behind wasn’t coming along at all with drinking and so “froze” up after an icy watering down.
La French Tart and Karsanogenic were seated in the ice chairs for the Bull incident - were they lying to escape being short- cutting bastards? They tried to blame it on the runners to have caused to bull to inflame. Fabricating lies will not last in our circle and we made sure it was properly flushed away.
We had a naming of Jacky as it was her third run and names like comealot, durexcel, and bunnyburner were flying around after the English Kiwi Mom displayed an excellent horny bunny impersonation in the circle, but the winner was after three rounds of voting: JackOff and GM christened her with her new name in our beloved circle.
The matter of hash turd was quickly decided by the circle in light of the hideous eating lobster crime of Small Ball Cock which caused him to miss the run together with his French Tart. How could he choose lobster over the Hash?? Another ice seat execution followed to make sure the lobster in him could swim to freedom.
When Hash Hero came up Mafioso Mongrel honored his name by trying to steal this honor with his rum gift, turning it into a bribe. The circle did not fall for this trick and elected Maid in China as Hash hero for his Made in Langkawi Christmas pies donations.
Because of the special Christmas run we had two additional items; the first being the best well dressed up for the Christmas theme we had as circle assignment. It became a battle between Old Bailey and Coming from Behind and as the cheering caused a tie, both were awarded as best dressed ones. A very delicious Stollen donated by Sauerkraut and Mafioso Mongrel was their prize!
The collecting stars running edition was won by our youngest kiwi visitor and the walker’s edition by  Lyn bin Defuzzed. They also got their own Stollen to take home with them.
The evening was closed in great laughter, fun and handing out the Christmas gifts at the Kapal Layar restaurant with yet another great donation by the hares of a banana cake dessert.
This was a truly excellent closing run of the 2016 season and see you all healthy and up and running in 2017!
On On,
Prick van Dyke

Hash Run #601


A back entrance to this hash site (which turned out to be the starting point for the run) provided Tartan Tart the perfect opportunity to arrive an undetected 2 minutes late, just before King Penguin called the opening circle.

despite searching desperately for new shoes, none could be found. Mafioso Mongrel narrowly escaped punishment for sporting non-regulation sandals. Yours truly at least felt K P a tad too soft on that one!

With hares called to the circle, MucArse proceeded to completely confuse us all with a long convoluted explanation of the run (turns out that described it perfectly!). She ended with saying that the circles had been marked a la Mockie Ball - Oh No! was the cry - the route could be behind us - No, not behind you came the reply. Ok, so a la Mockie Balls, but not!

A merry band of 6 FRBs then took off at a scorching pace - well the weather was scorching, the pace perhaps not so much!

The sleekit Scot and her Sassenach sidekick soon had the FRBs all at sixes & sevens with their devious trail marking, and the lead changed several times much to K P's disgust. 

Despite all that, towards the end, after K P covering at least 1 km more than others, normal formation resumed. Tartan Tart  however was usurped of her usual first lady home position by the visting Lady Hornblower ( a grotty yachtie no less!) who set a blsitering pace along the long hard home straight to finish a midges behind K P.

Her claim to be 'not in shape' added insult to TT's injury! Her excuse? - she was led astray by some local boys!


A good 15 - 20 minutes after the FRBs returned to base, the SWBs (slow walking bastards) emerged chatting and smiling with not a drop of sweat visible amongst them! in stark contrast they were followed in by an extremely sweaty (or should that be glowing?) MucArse, and the darling little Cash, who would later be awarded Hash Hero for fathfully following her mummy to set the trail and not complaining once.


K P called the circle to attention, and clearly overcome at being usurped, TT volunteered to be scribe (something she had managed to escape for 9 years!!). Sauerkraut womanfully volunteered to be executioner, and after some strange German ritual of rubbing ice on your head,  duly executed herself in fine style and was awarded the job.


Whilst devoid of virgins, there still remained much to be punished, and although the hares escaped punishment due to their run being deemed a good one, KP did try to pin one heinous crime on them; - the unauthorised purchase of a new book - to which they swiftly deflected all blame to the absent Small Ball Cock - he will be severely dealt with next run!


Our visitors; Captain & Mrs Hornblower were duly welcomed in Langkawi Hash fash, and the many returners also received a soaking.

The awarding of the absent Hash Shit was deferred until next hash, as the deserving recipient was also absent - or perhaps all lobster dinner attendees from the hash should have a group shit award next time??


KP regaled us with various tedious, eh sorry interesting, facts around this day in history, none of them particularly of note, except maybe the birth of Mary Queen of Scots in 1542, Sammy Davis Junior in 1925, and the shooting of John Lennon in 1980. The first person to tell me next hash who shot him will get a prize.


'Imagine' was suggested as the closing hymn in tribute to the great JL, however, suddenly KP burst in to the usual Swing Low with actions - hmmm..imagine that!!


With the hymn just finished and the hares having announced where dinner was, Old Bailey & her friend Jackie (2nd run) were spotted rushing off to their car whilst KP was still trying to impart some vital information about the next run. they were starving they claimed. These CHOGMettes, I don't know!


Finally it was off to Shin Mei for a haphazard but tasty repast.


Well done MucArse, Karsanogenic & Cash.


On On 


Tartan Tart

(Virgin Scribe)


FOOTNOTE


THOSE DESERTING HASHERS WHO OPTED TO ATTEND THE LOBSTER DINNER WHILST LEAVING THE REST OF US TO TURN AS RED AS LOBSTERS IN THE RELENTLESS HEAT WLLL BE DEALT WITH ACCORDINGLY UPON THEIR RETURN.

AND AS FOR THE ORGANISER, WELL........!




Run 600 25 November 2016

Hares - Small Ball Cock and French Tart.
Numbers 38 (eventually)

We gathered at about a short sand wedge (for some) from the driving range of the dormant 99East Golf Club on a balmy November eve.
There was great excitement among the mob, as the word had passed around that not only were we to get new shirts but we would also be joined by one of the original members, none other than Pak Willie. Sadly, this blast from the past failed to materialise, so it was on to the pre run circle, which was constantly interrupted by Lady Bugger trying to video the proceedings, to the chagrin of our revered GM. Once LB had completed her round of filming, her Ladyship discovered that she had failed to press the right buttons, so had to do it all again!
Fortunately, this delay gave time for some late arrivals, namely Tartan Tart and the Mohsain crew - Mokie Balls, Ball Spanker, Alyssa in Wonderland and son Lance.

On with the show and GM proceeded to describe the reasoning behind the curiously placed centipedes on the shirts -each supposedly having 100 legs and 6 in number - the astute among us made the calculation that 6 x 100 equals 600! Except that some bright spark with good vision announced that more than one of the centipedes had between 60 and 100 legs, therefore the whole shebang fell into disarray but it’s the thought that counts, I guess.
New shoes? I hear you say. Sorry, we are onto that one so no takers.

Hare SBC explained the run, advising us that there was a bit of flour dropped here and there and ONE piece of paper, which he cunningly handed out to all and sundry. Lo and behold! A map! well, that will make it easy. Not so as it turned out, since there were a few Short -and long - cutters; more of that later.

Off we went, up hill and down fairway.

The circle regathered and Appointments were made:
Scribe - yours truly
Executioners - Larshole and Feetal Fungus who duly executed themselves and anyone in range.
What did we think of the run? Mixed emotions, particularly from Maid in China and Lisa who did an extra 2 km up and down a very step hill. Silly buggers.
Speaking of buggers, LB continued her photo session, increasing the ire of GM.
Virgins - only one and she actually a LGBHHH virgin Lisa.
Visitors - lots
Returners - more
Latecomers -Tartan Tart, Ecopussy, Mokie Balls, Ball Spanker and Alyssa in Wonderland - duly executed.
Hash Turd - the medal has still not been found but Ecopussy happened to have a replacement - YAY
Hash Hero - Mokie Balls for sponsoring our new shirts.
Birthday - Larshole (whew I got away with that one- for those who know)

An announcement since this is the 600th run, that LBHHH first run was on 12th June 1994.

Situations vacant - Hares for next run MucArse and Karsenogenic. Hares for 1st run of New Year Ecopussy and Bugshifter.

Music Meister King Penguin and Meistress Arse leapt into some political song about America’s President-elect and then the Hash Hymn and it was off to a great meal and festivity at The Fat Frog.

On On

Bugshifter

Run 599


We gathered at Alyssa Villas in the splendour of the rice paddies. Hares Mockie Balls, Ball Spanker and Bugshifter (Bugshifter claimed not to be a hare just a consultant and your scribe believes this as it was clear, as with all consultants, his advice was ignored) informed the pack that the run would be short and flat and unusually marked. That it was. It was not just the small paper squares marking the trail that was new to the crew but as it turned out, Mockie Balls, claimed to have imported the trail marking rules of the KL hash. In your scribe's humble opinion, Mockie Balls made that up as well as the alleged KL rules. 


The hash set off on the promised flat run and managed check #1 without incident. Check #2 was confounding to the FRB's as all forward paths were unmarked. After many minutes it finally occurred to the pack to run back from the check and lo! the trail was found. Check 3 was equally confounding as it was on a straight piece of road and runners checking all directions found no paper. At this point while confusion abounded and rancour arose in the ranks, a few short cutters simply abandoned the trail and headed for home. Foetal Fungus led the lazy bunch of wimps with no staying power with a cry of "we'll make our own run".  The stubborn and persevering True Blue hashers kept at it and finally came up with the trail. Post 4th check 'King Penguin had run double the original trail's distance in search of paper but still bounded off to head the pack home.


The pre-circle discussion seemed to focus on whether the KL rules (apparently they are you can do wtf you want) were legit but the HHH edict "There are no rules." was finally remembered and all was forgiven.


In the circle we had some visitors and returners not to mention Tartan Tart who forgot to put the new earlier start time on the website. Mockie Balls and Ball Spanker were in the chilly chairs and pipes for some made up reason or other. Meanwhile Miss Alyssa declined to present herself for naming. We saved it for the restaurant and she was duly named forevermore "Alyssa in Wonderland".


Small Ball Cock went on at length about Run 600 (YES, THAT'S THE NEXT ONE AND DON'T FORGET IT).Important items: 

Bring extra money to buy nice wine at a good price

Don't forget the new start time 5 for 5:30

3.   Don't be late!

4.   RSVP SBC ASAP 


A chorus of Halleleujah in honour of the late great Leonard Cohen and we were off to Coco's where we had outstanding food and a great evening!


And that darlings, is that.


Arse


Run 598

Hares Larshole and Mettehari

We will never know how many hashers missed this one cause the website was offline but we ended up with quite a good number.

It seems that some rules have been changed since my last visit

New shoes huhhhhh ok I understand no beer for young girls but what about orange juice?

Two poor hashers who could not afford the dinner had to drink out of each others shoes yakkie

As usual I cannot comment on the run but what I heard it was a great one quite long with many false trails

Thats why we had no CIRCLE  thank you there must be a friend somewhere.........

Off to the restaurant Islandish were we had a great dinner and finally the circle that I completely missed sitting at the head of the table

I think 2 hashers have been named missed that did I also miss returners virgins I know I brought one, shortcutters? Or is this a total new concept Hash?

Anyway I liked it hope in future its a total sit down Hash just my thing

Down down
Whining Fag Hag
SCRIBE REPORT HASH RUN 597

'We're all going on a hashers' holiday
We're all going for a beer or two
Ice and water on a hasher's holiday
To make wet dreams come true-oo-oo
To make wet dreams come true

We're going where the beers are endless
We're going where the food is great
We're going where the hares can't find us
And Tartan Tart ain't late

Every hasher has a hasher's holiday
Doing things they never wanted to
So we're going on a hasher's holiday
To make wet dreams come true-oo-oo
To make wet dreams come true

Now we're back from our hasher's holiday
We can't think of a thing to do
No down downing on a chilly chair
Just scribe reports to do- oo - oo
SMALL  BALLCOCK SCREW YOU TOO!

JUST IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING THIS IS THE ORIGINAL

We're all going on a summer holiday
No more working for a week or two
Fun and laughter on our summer holiday
No more worries for me or you
For a week or two

We're going where the sun shines brightly
We're going where the sea is blue
We've seen it in the movies
Now let's see if it's true

Everybody has a summer holiday
Doing things they always wanted to
So we're going on a summer holiday
To make our dreams come true
For me and you

We're going where the sun shines brightly
We're going where the sea is blue
We've seen it in the movies
Now let's see if it's true

Everybody has a summer holiday
Doing things they always wanted to
So we're going on a summer holiday
To make our dreams come true
For me and you

Scribe Report Hash Run 596 - Thieving Bastard obviously ran off with it instead of writing it!

SCRIBE REPORT HASH RUN 595

 

"The Surprise Run"

 

Yes indeed a run full of surprises. First surprise - a dozen, possibly a baker's dozen, of participants turned up which was a lot more than the hare's expected. 

Another surprise - no rain! 

And yet another - no run! The run that was not a run. 

And final surprise- Johnny Walker and Black Label put in an appearance.

 

Intrepid GM Small Ball Cock called the circle and searched for new shoes which were found on the feet of Hare Larshole. A shoe was duly christened with a beer and the hares declared that Hare Mata Hari would lead the Hash on a stroll through the outer edges of Kuah while Larshole foraged in search of beer for the surprisingly large turnout!

All went well as we pleasantly paced through the surprisingly interesting housing area skirting the Commonwealth shooting range. But - Surprise! After emerging from a trek through the jungle the front walking bastards waited in vain for the slow buggers. A search party went out and eventually returned minus only one hasher -Damp Dennis- who had decided to ditch the walk and was found wandering miserably by Larshole and driven back to base. 

Meanwhile mosquito bitten and thirsty, the intrepid fore- walkers carried on bravely and arrived ready for the GM's frivolity.

 

The circle commenced and Bug Shifter volunteered to execute while Arse was press ganged into Scribing and promised a thoroughly jet lag version of the run.

 

There were many returners, a couple of Virgins and a surprising number of deserters.

 

ON ON


Arse

SCRIBE REPORT FOR RUN 594

 

 

HARES Tartan Tart and Lyn bin Defuzzed

 

GM Small Ball Cock

 

ATTENDANCE 10

 

 

It seemed to be raining everywhere on the island. Threatening skies but as ever, the Hash gods smiled on the Hares and the harriers. Our meeting place, between Padang Matsirat and Kuala Teriang, Padang Sailors Sausages remained dry all afternoon.

 

The intrepid ten met in the middle of the padi. In the words of the water babies, Metahari and Larsole, a cosy group. No new shoes and after instructions in Scottish and Kiwi we set off none the wiser. Through the padis back to the road, runner Matahari leading the way from rambler, Small Ball Cock followed by the amblers. We went through pretty, well kept kampongs and then up and up. Matahari decided to take all the false trails and I was surprised when I almost caught her up. But then more up and more up till we came to a spot with stunning views. Not easy to appreciate when gasping for oxygen.

 

Now the easier bit, down down back to the lovely kampong. But not that easy as French Tart said 'it was very slippering'. To the road and back down the track across the padi. But our sneaky Hares changed the direction half way so we were diverted round the graveyard. Although a couple of Hashers took no notice

of the diversion.

 

All back after a seven plus kilometre run/walk.The circle was called. Your humble GM decided that Metahari should be executioner as she had only ever been the precipitant of water but never the donator. Just for a change she was given the choice of executing herself or her husband to see if she was up to getting the job. She thought long and hard for two seconds before deciding to execute Larsole. What a splendid job she did to earn the job!

 

Three returners from memory, Feetal Fungus, Lyn bin Defuzzed and Bugshifter. Then deserters, Tartan Tart, who is off to 'Club no where near the Med', Karsenogenic and MucArse.

 

I decided not to use our Chilly Chairs as everyone would be wet enough. A decision I slightly regretted when realising nattering addict, Karsenogenic was pandering to his habbit again.

 

There was a saga involving the short cutting bastards, Feetal Fungus and MucArse. They accused a couple of local kids of tampering with the Hash sign. So they changed it back round and returned the wrong way. They were duly punished and later awarded the Hash turd for casting aspersions on locals.

 

Hash hero was French Tart. Despite a tough week, she still managed to write a funny near English scribe and turn up with a smile on 'er visage.

 

Throughout, Matahari was doing a fine job of soaking all those guilty of crimes. I understand that she and Larsole have such an infinity with H2O that they sleep on a water bed and their neighbours downstairs frequently complain about water coming through the ceiling with their antics. We made a reasonable stab at the Hash hymn but missed King Penguin's theatrics and Arse's harmonies.

 

We then headed to what is known as 'The Boat' restaurant on the Telaga Harbour road. Jolly good apart from Matahari being charged rm18 for a glass of wine. No water games that night for Larsole!

 

Our Water Babes will be our next Hares on June 10. Well done Hares for another lovely, and as usual, different Hash.

 

ON, ON YER BASTARDS!


Small Ball Cock


Hash Report

RUN 593
HARES : Mucarse and Karsonagenic

On this Friday 13rd of May, we met everybody somewhere in the country between Air Hangat and Telaga. A very nice place in the middle of nowhere.
No many people, only 8… So it was a small circle.
No shoes.
Our Hares explained , with a lot of details, the run and we started “ sur Les chemins “ but not “à bicyclette” (cf. Yves Montand song), 3 runners and 3 walkers.
We had a very lovely walk amongst the paddifields, the forest… quiet, no noise only the birds, so a very “bucolique “ run.
After 6kms we were coming back, of course the runners were already there, talking and drinking.

Our favourite GM called us to form the circle .
No virgin, no visitors, no returners.
It was the first run organized by M and K , a big success, Bravo!

Made in China the executioner of the day, “s’estéclaté” in his new job. But he has been punished because he was anti –social. He wasrunning…alone, Lonesome Cowboys!!

Finally everybody were wet, all for silly reason of course. , Metahari and I have been punished because we did not used the hooter !!! And who find this genius idea??? The GM.


The Hares were the Hash heros for the nice run.

Our Music Meistersingers King Penguin and Arse not being there, we tried to sing the Hash Hymn.

Before leaving to go to Chen Mei for dinner we could admire the night coming on the mountains, it was absolutely magic.


Delicious dinner, cozy hash evening


French Tart

SCRIBE REPORT RUN 592

Hells Bells
Back in Black and Jailbreak revisited.
Dirty Deeds were Done Dirt Cheap by none other than a Tent Packer Maid in China on 29th April. Sorry about the reference to a Streetcar named Desire, I couldn't help it; anyway, to continue:

At the Razors Edge on a Highway to Hell, we gathered without new shoes, causing distress to GM, but It's a Long Way to the Top with a British Stiff Upper Lip.

The run was sort of described by the Tent Packer and midst varying levels of confusion, we made our way, returning bathed in sweat, to form a ragged circle. Karsanogenic, in usual fashion, was chilly-chaired several times for constant nattering; I think he likes the coolness on his nether regions.
 Scribe, yours very truly, was appointed, Executioner, MucArse stepped up to the challenge, executed herself went on to prove herself a proper Ballbreaker.
Virgins were (surprise) non-existent, so it was on to a warm welcome to two visitors from Phuket. Sorry, the Carlsberg thirst took over from the priority of recording their names.

Returners, several, including your humble scribe.

Larshole was punished for giving the hares the wrong store room keys and while in the Laguna area, a night would not pass without dousing Tartan Tart for wearing inappropriate underwear.

GM went on to a down down for the men for Labour Day and for the ladies because Mothers Day was fast approaching.

A naming fracas ensued for an Aussie who until then had been known as Garry Auton. A few names were suggested, centred around his occupation as an Antique dealer, or should that be a Dealer in Antiques?

GM lost his way momentarily, referring to the opening in New York of the Musical "Hair" in 1968 on that day.

Hence the opening of this missive with references to ACDC, a good old Aussie/Scottish band.

Surprisingly, nary a Hashturd could be found, however Arse earned the title of Hash Hero, for some reason- oops, time for another memory destroying Carlsberg.

Hares were sought for May 27 and June 10.

Bugshifter will be in Vietnam for May 13, so hopes someone has volunteered for that night!

We finally got back to the naming: suggestions were many:
Garibaldi
Hairloom
Steptoe
Junkshifter (grrr!)

Until we at last agreed on "Thieving Bastard" - a dual reference to occupation and golfing handicap manipulation.
A solemn ceremony ensued, followed by a stirring rendition by the  Hash songster of the Age of Aquarius as a tribute to "Hair" - how appropriate.

So it was Rock or Bust and on to Cocomo for a great meal and dancing with Larshole.

For Those About to Rock, We Salute You!

On On

Bugshifter
Scribe Report  Run 591.
17 Hashers assembled on top of Bukit Tangga in an area which resembled an African escarpment – partly  due to the ubiquitous use of front end loaders having  removed every discernible bit of flora and partly due to the absence of rain for many months. However, the views across the flat land below were a vista fest, the family who’s home we were parked right beside were friendly and the local kids keen to share some ball throwing .
No new shoes (or socks), so without further ado, hares -Coming from Behind  and (  because of Prick van Dyck’s sudden  temporary defection to Jordan) stand in , Hanneballs Lecher sent us off on what they apologetically described as a 6km ‘runner’s run ‘,  with a slippery hill climb which had been redesigned by the aforementioned diggers since the trail had been decided upon, but no false trails .
The usual front runners ,KP, Matahari, and TT led the way downhill and through a parched bowl of what were , and what will be again, Padi fields – the shocking pink of their shirts ( the runners) bright beacons in an otherwise colourless landscape. The friendly greetings of the locals as we passed through kampungs   were a refreshing reminder to me after 3 months in “The West”, of the things I love so much about living here.
No shortcutting , no fatalities  on the main road ,nobody lost –eventually  the tally back at the circle was complete .Rather an interesting group of people , faces barely distinguishable from the pink of the shirts , we were all so HOT after that final ascent back to the circle.
After a flurry by keen gardeners in the group of gathering plant prunings being discarded by the neighbours,   GM Small Ballcock called order in the Circle.
The Hares were given a general ‘thumbs up’ for the run and Adrian de Turd appointed Executioner.
Then proceedings took a serious turn – The GM declared that after what has been dubbed ‘The Danish Drama’- those in the  circle would be taught by explanation and demonstration how the executioner should , according to the rules , carry out his job. He said this would be how we could  ‘have fun’?
King Penguin stepped in as Coach and Larshole as demonstrator.  How to conduct a ‘down down’ followed- with the down downers easily drinking their beer before the down down down was called 3 times- this led to a call for more beer in each down down  – anyway it all ended up in Matahari ( the model) and Larshole chucking water over each other anyway! Will the rules will be followed –  I suspect not .
MucArse was then sat in a chilly chair, I can’t recall why – more down down demos I think .
Bev, the visitor was next to receive the ‘cold cheek’ treatment and it was declared that no water pouring over heads should be exacted upon anyone wearing the pipes –
On with the business of the circle at last – Virgins - Tweet and Peter from South Africa easily beat the down down down 3 times –frustrated executioner Adrian d T, looming and leering from behind had no chance to exact his icy punishment .
 2 Returners ( Lyn bin Def & Karsanogenic) drank within the time – so more frustration for the executioner   
His chance was missed again when, along with 7 others, he was called in as one of the plant thieves   – Larshole  , as ring in executioner, doused all- regardless of  the rules.
Adrian de Turd was dubbed Hash Hero in recognition of his ‘Dumpster Diving’ which unearthed amongst other things – 26 cans of newly out of date Skol and which he donated to the Hash – kindness lah ?
A debacle over the hash turd award followed, nomination was for French Tart - with Small Ballcock doing his impression of Peter Sellers /Inspector Clousseau  which in turn led to French Tart leaping forward and telling him  “Stop to Talk !”- A lovely domestic ensued with the consensus of opinion being that they should share the award – apparently French T dropped a can of the precious Skol , because she was ‘elping SB to carry the carton , and walking backwards too! – poor man oo  needs ‘elp to  carry  26 (5)cans of beer –
Well – for once Tartan Tart got left alone
The session was concluded with the HHH hymn , hummed & mimed only and explained by KP  to the virgins that negro spiritual hymns are sung  because of HHH deeply spiritual and religious background.
The meal was at Cocos , which turned out to be a beef pie without pastry ??– according to the carnivores in the group  it was delicious , as was the vegetarian option – veg cottage pie ( with mash on top)
PS . Someone stole one of the HHH signs – any handy person willing to make a new one?
On On
Lyn bin Defuzzed

Scribe Report Run 590


Hares  Floppy Rod and Old Bailey

 

GM Small Ball Cock who had some explaining to do to Malazyarse how he came by that name, she is still confused.

 

The location was near to Kampung Keda on the Ayer Hangat Road out of Kuah. The circle was duly formed or in this case an egg shape at 6pm.

29 attendees attended?

 

Floppy Rod explained the run and apologised because he thought it might be a little shorter than usual. That was definitely an Aprils fool joke! He explained something about not going to the indian reservation because we might be eaten and also not to cross the main road, because there were wild pigs and we might be eaten.

There also a mention of a couple of false trails, back to the April fools joke again! Floppy Rod also pointed out there was a shorter path for the walkers, marked in the road with a big W. He explained this stood for Walkers or Winkers (I think thats what he said) It turned out to be the latter as the false trails put the runners way behind the walkers. Devious, as I tried to be a runner! On On.

 

Small Ball Cock welcomed the returners, the visitors and Virgins Jackie & Georgia. Late comers Hannabals Lechter & Leading Astray. Sorry if I have the names wrong, as by this time I was 1, suffering heat stroke 2, thinking of Tiger Beer 3, I couldn’t read the GM’s writing & 4, I was wondering what a virgin was!

Shoes were inspected and one volunteer stepped forward and duly drank a beer out of one shoe and a bottle of water out of the other. Watering down beer, there must be a punishment for that. Forgot name of new shoes, still thinking about virgins.

 

Stumbleweed achieved a personal best, well done.

 

All got back safely and nobody was eaten, which was good. GM appointed executioners, unfortunately there was a slight mishap and Malazyarse thought she had performed a real execution. But after a hind lick manoeuvre all was well. I hope the victim is fully recovered. Malazyarse left the circle because she thought she might be sent to Gitmo. Be warned she will be back!

 

Hash Turd Rectal Check, appropriate I guess.

 

Ria was named, suggestions being Gonaria, Diaria or inherria by this time the beer had taken over and everything was starting to get blurry, so not sure what was finally decided..

 

Time for food and Hashers were pointed in the direction of I think it was Seafood Superstore or something anyway it was next to YL’s in Kuah. Lovely it was too. Too much on offer to name, but it was delicious.

 

Next Hash 15th April, Hares Coming from Behind & Prick van Dyk

 

Hears to the next run On On

 

Rectal Check


Hash 589 Scribe.

 

The Welcome.

 

The GM welcomed a good and varied bunch of new and ageing Hashers to the 589th meet at a location close to the Buffalo Farm.

 

The circle as deigned was formed at 6pm on the dot and all shoes were inspected.

Australian Garry was found to have made the Cardinal error of wearing newbies  and was of course punished as the law requires with a down down.

 

Hanneballs Lecher and Soranus ,our two Danish Pastries and Hares described the run in detail.

 

The Run.

 

The run was reasonably well marked around the Farm (although various comments were made as to the frugal use of flour) leaving a few of our more dim hashers  confused.

The positive was that in such a hot time, much of the run was in shade for which the hares should be congratulated, but not too much.

 

King Penguin and Adrian de Turd were the early finishers and as usual and the circle was duly formed.

PISSARTIST had a mobile phone call from URINATOR and was duly punished for leaving her phone on and was duly volunteered to write the script despite a pending 6 day trip away from the Island. (Sorry if this is a little late)

Executioners were appointed

 

The general opinion of the run was fair to middling, (a triumph in Hash terms)

 

The GM began proceedings.

 

Visitors were brought into the circle followed by a Hash Virgin followed by returners in the guise of Sauerkraut …..

 

The GM pointed out that in the latest survey of happiness The Danes were the happiest people in the world due to an over consumption of Pastry, Carlsberg beer ,streaky bacon sandwiches and a complete ignorance of the fact that they pay 65% tax on their pensions

For reasons not readily apparent ,the Swiss ( home, in ruins, of the beautiful game) were No 2.

The most Unhappy were the South Africans which we agreed was well deserved and a toast for Made on a Train.

 

Naming of Peter and June.

Peter gave a detailed history of his medical history and urged all Hashers to be tested for Prostate Cancer. Hurray!

He was baptised “Rectal Check”, a popular decision by everyone although a close runner to “One Up The Bum” which was decided was too anal for the solemnity of proceedings

 

June, from Malaysia,who explained her career as a nurse and occasional porn film extra, but who now does nothing was duly named Malazyarse

 

The title Hash Hero was given to Rectal Check for his charitable work , big smile and highly polished scalp.

 

hash Turd was bestowed on…cant remember….

 

Hares for the next Run were selected and  our  musical director King Penguin lead us in the Hash Hymn.

 

 

The meeting was adjourned by the GM and our happy band of brothers/sisters made its way to Coco’s for a fine repast of curried chicken and rice, the Malay version of the great British speciality, chicken and chips.


On On 


Pissartist

 

 


SCRIBE REPORT RUN 588


Once upon a time there were two little boys named Hans und Armin. 

They were very sad little munchkins who lived in strange houses, built by an enormous and very terrible Swiss Ogre. The reason they were so sad was because they had no friends and the local people were very nasty to them. It must be said that they did have secret friendships with 2 little girls from the village named Lys and Gerde.


One day when the people had been particularly nasty, they decided to get their own back and this my dearly beloved kinder is what they did:


They posted a notice saying that there would be a wonderful entertainment with food and drink and drink and drink and drink...... Now, my dearly beloved, do you suppose that when they had lured all the people to the entertainment they greeted

them as they normally looked? Oh no, for these were clever little munchkins, and they disguised themselves so that no one recognised them. Now this is the clever part - for they sent all these people off on a wild goose chase promising many rewards if they should return quickly.


Now these clever little munchkins had laid a trail of flour and paper which was designed to confuse even the most intelligent of the people - though truth to tell there was not much evidence of that amongst these idiots, known as they were as the bungalow people (nothing upstairs!).

Suffice to say that the bungalow people wondered around for days ( well minutes) eventually returning by luck to where Hans and Armin were laughing themselves sick at the great success of their jolly jape. Now it must be said, dearly beloved that

our Bungalow friends were not best pleased to be made fun off by the former objects of their own scorn. Apparently on a wild goose chase, sauce is neither good for goose or gander!!! Instead they set about our little friends throwing icy cold water and forcing them into undignified postures on frozen tiny chairs, poisoning them with a potion made by a particularly offensive Danish Ogre by the name of Skol.


Worse was yet to come when the chief of the people, the dreaded Grand Bungalow Meister ordered that they be subjected to the vilest of name calling. Our little munchkins were it seems henceforth to be known as 'Armin deep shit' , whilst little Hans who already had a name was taunted with 'cock a doodle don't'. 

Finally the GBM decreed that their 2 little girl friends be called, for Gerde - 'dirty gerdy' or 'deep shit', and for Lys 'any Cock'l do'.

And that dearly beloved is the end of our tale. I expect you want me to say that they all lived happily ever after, but sad to say they were all 4 banished to a far off frozen country, whose name I forget but is something like Sheizerland or maybe

Shitsaland!


KP

 



SCRIBE REPORT FOR RUN 587


HARES   Tartan Tart and Golden shower

GM   Small Ball Cock

ATTENDANCE   30


We met at 99 East golf course. This was the first time we officially held this International Seniors event on this course. But we did let two juniors take part, Nasi Lassie and Leechy Lassie. One look at the participants and it was obvious that all were high handicappers. I doubted if many had used their equipment for many years and maybe their shafts were rusty. Stiff shafts were out of the question, and because of their age most men had to play with flexible shafts.

The GM called the players to the circle. After the welcome I looked for anyone trying to 'gain an unfair advantage' with the use of new shoes. Silly King Penguin had left the price tag on his shoe so he was called into the circle so.  Adrian the Turd tried to excuse him by saying the tag had been on the offending shoes for months, so he was called in for aiding and abetting. Both enjoyed a down down from their footwear.

The Hares, Tartan Tart and Golden Shower explained how the event was to be run on the course. We would come under not only Hash rules but the St Andrews Ancient and Modern rules. This covered all, as we were 28 ancients and 2 moderns.

Naturally we started from the first tee and headed up the course. Some fast moving two ball groups sped up the fairways, slower groups dropped back risking going on the clock. The scenery and views were fabulous. The course was well marked and easy to follow until we went into the rough. All managed to come out of the rough but a few less fit seniors had to take a drop from the hazards.

We completed the course and arrived back by the club house. Groups were then spotted coming back down the wrong fairway. Having not completed the course properly, they would be penalised later.

With all back safely, Small Ball Cock called the circle for the second time where penalties and prizes were to be awarded. Feetal Fungus volunteered  to hand out the penalties after penalising herself. The Hares were praised for the staging the event and excellent course management. First we welcomed five virgins. Tartan Tart ignored etiquette and suggested a change to the order of events. Of course she was penalised for over-stepping and was the first to make an unwelcome visit to the water hazard. Visitors and returners were the next to be covered and toasted.

Tradition rules that Tartan Tart is penalised for wearing inappropriate apparel. We had a glut of Australians, or is it a gut of Australian participants, so they were penalised. The British were called in for a toast. It was Prince Andrew's birthday. This was bordering on 'taking an unfair advantage' as none of the others had a royal family, although Australia has many queens.

Old Bailey was made to sit in the Chilly Chair for constant nattering throughout the ceremony. This was the third outing for one participant so he had to be given an official name. Due to being German and having a career with Herbal Life, he was christened Germanator.

Tartan Tart then showed her unsporting side by misinterpreting the rules and some dishonesty. She suggested that I, the honourable Small Ball Cock be awarded the Hash Turd. Firstly she claimed I was wearing non Hash headwear and that I had sent her a nasty SMS regarding the staging of the event. In my defence, the orange hat was from the Halloween Hash two years previous and that I had mentioned to her that I planned staging the event on the golf course in the near future. But she nicked the idea and claimed to have come up with the idea herself. How heinous is that? And her from the home of golf! But the other participants were easily led so the GM got his unjust reward in the Chilly Chair with pipes and a double down down.

Then the big prize, Hash Hero, was awarded to Stumbleweed. Well done.

Finally French Tart was nominated as we were dining at the Fat Frog and she is not a Fat Frog but a slim frog. Don’t ask me, I just make it up!

Music Meister King Penguin and Arse closed the circle with a theatrical rendition of our Hash hymn. We then went for a superb meal at the Fat Frog. A delicious Thai yellow curry, served with vegetables and rice, and washed down by some with their excellent Wonderwall Cabinet Merlot.

There is no such thing as a bad Hash, but this was an exceptional Hash. Well done Tartan Tart and Golden Shower.

ON, ON YER BASTARDS!

Small Ball Cock

H3 Langkawi Beach run #586 5 Feb 2016

After we gathered with many nearly lost souls, a circle of sorts was eventually formed IN A CARPARK!! at somewhere close to The Oriental Village; hares ( or one of them - Tent  Packer) looked extremely harassed partly due to a lack of ice for the all-important beer and water etc. At last co-hare Speedie turned up, ice in hands and GM was able to restore order.
Following a stirring speech welcoming all to run 586, a search was conducted for new shoes; this turned out to be fruitless since we all had the same old grubby footwear that has seen maybe one two many runs.

This completed the hares gave us very explicit and (not) easily interpreted directions, with several references to dusky leaf monkeys, Tigers and elephants. More about elephants later.

Off we went.

Most walkers were back within 20 minutes, yours truly's calculation of distance was 1.68 km. Tent Packer hotly disputed this, but the matter was settled over a beer.
Executioners job was given to Hannibal Lecher, with occasional assistance from Coming From Behind.

There was one lonely visitor/virgin - K.J. from Nairobi, Kenya, but hundreds (sic) of returners, including your humble scribe. The executioners were most kind to the writer of this splendid missive, missing my poor old head by inches with the apparently icy water. Thank you CFB.

Jeff having completed his third run, was up for naming so a number of members contributed suggestions, none of which was suitable since there was not enough use of the word Arse.
Eventually, a solemn ceremony ensued, bestowing him with the name forever more of - "Karsanogenic"


Two Swiss Meanies whose names were indecipherable were punished for not buying shirts for their second run. Methinks SBC was a little tough on them but that is only an opinion.

Tartan Tart copped it for some crime involving an item of underwear but that seems to be her lot, generally speaking.

The Danes Soreanus and Hannibal Lecher, who protested due to their non-allegiance to Royal Personages, nonetheless were punished for not knowing that this was the birthdate of a lovely Tasmanian girl AKA Princess Mary of Denmark. I was ready to forgive them for the non-allegiance, but HRH is an Aussie! - hence no sympathy from Bugshifter.

Hash Hero turned out to be the aforementioned K. J., who performed a noble act, saving the life - or something like that - of a poor local girl in the CARPARK. I think I got that right.

In the absence of Floppy Rod, I presume he won the right to hold the Hash Turd for yet another fortnight. Well deserved in your humble correspondent's opinion.

We had a very low key hash hymn led by that master and mistress of stage and song - King Penguin and Arse.

On to the meal; it was ok!

On On

Bugshifter

Hash Run 585

Once more Hares King Penguin and his Arse set out a nice run/walk in the Tanjung Rhu area and the directions to the circle were pretty clear. That is IF the hares would have been on time back from … whatever they were doing.
Prick van Dyke and Coming from Behind picked up two new UK Virgins who were dumped by a taxi driver. In their trail were 4 more Suisse virgins in a mini Proton. At the second HHH sign we went left and followed the trail into jungle and coconut plantation. Where was the circle?? We drove back to find King Penguin &Arse parked on the road and surprised we were already there at 16:58. Way too early he said?!? Anyways the parking area had changed overnight with large potholes for banana trees making it hard to park. Eventually we all managed to find a spot off the roads as to not block locals from using their access paths.

The Circle was formed by GM Small Ball Cock and a whopping 8 fresh new virgins were promised an appropriate greeting after the run. Virgin Suisse Vincent was spotted with new shoes! Oh no, also Virgin Suisse Madeleine looked to have new shoes as well or at least too clean shoes. She wiggled her way out implicating her son Vincent to have bought indeed new shoes especially for this run (actually very commendable and brave!). A beer was quickly put in his shoe and before we could even sing the drinking song, Vincent drank his beer in one go very fast. GM ordered another beer, despite he forgot to explain to the virgin to wait for the “down, down, down” part in the song, whereupon virgin mom Madeline complained to GM about it and was invited in the circle to help finish the second beer out of her son’s shoe. The face she put on while drinking the beer will be engraved in our minds and would have been worthy of YouTube 1 Million views. Her son Vincent quickly came to her rescue and finished most of the beer in one gulp.
The hares explained the run in much detail because so many virgins were present and off we went into jungle trails jumping over a river and dodging large packs of wild dogs. Although the King of markings claimed to have marked it very clearly first lady Tartan Tart got lost at a wiped out cross being a dot again and large spaces between dots made runners and walkers insecure of being on the right track. At the end it looked like the walkers were all lost but managed to find their way back to the circle with no rescue party needed this time.
The circle was formed again; Prick van Dyke offered to be scribe and Golden Shower volunteered to be executioner and got the job after a good soaking of himself. The 8 virgins, 4 Suisse (Daniel, Madeline, Werner and Vincent) and 4 UK (Wayne, Gale, Fiona and husband), were properly welcomed and the two lovely young ladies, Nasi Lassie and Leechie Lassie, were caught nattering and had to sit in the ice chairs to cool off. The virgins drank their beer on the right moment this time but most of them were too slow, except virgin Vincent who prooved to be student worthy by slamming it down “blitz” fast. GM spotted UK virgin Fiona nattering, probably about her outfit, she was called in to sit in the ice chair but she refused! Before the GM could say anything the executioner took care of this heinous crime by emptying a full large cup of ice water shooting a big chill up her spine. Proper punishment for this intolerable behaviour will keep others from attempting this kind of mutiny in the future.
The hares King Penguin &Arse were praised in the circle for a very nice diverse run through a lot of green and nice local scenery. Well done!
The 5 returners were next to be welcomed back with a good beer and some cold water for being too slow to finish it in time. Tartan Tart was executed for not wearing the appropriate coloured bra and King Penguin offered to buy her a Victoria Secret one of his choice??? Huh, what have we missed here???
A Hash Hero was hard to find but a chivalrous act by UK Virgin Wayne bestowed this great honor on him, and modest as he was, he accepted it reluctantly.
Something completely new happened as the Hash Turd was given to two persons simultaneously! The mostly walking like Siamese twins Nasi Lassie and Leechie Lassie were accused of leading astray the UK virgins off the right path straight into the jungle. So again they were invited in the circle to receive their smelly trophy and got a bit wetter again with it.
Speedy as a returner was a late arrival and so invited into the circle to explain why he was “not so Speedy”. His excuse was rejected and the executioner performed his duties well. While the GM was trying to end the circle Virgin Vincent was caught nattering with his virgin dad Daniel or did Vincent just wanted to show off with yet another beer? Both were put in the ice chairs and with tubes on their arms performed pretty well drinking most of the beer. Great performance! Speedy surprised us with a shower of gifts as Chinese year is approaching, and so on that high note our circle came to an end.
We all agreed that the next hash will start later at 5:30 and run at 6, so please make sure to read the directions carefully next time.
Off we went to Scarborough for yet another good and plentiful dinner. The fish & chips were eaten eagerly after our tough up and down run. With the sea waves rustling on the beach and with a clear night sky creating spectacular viewings of islands and Thailand, a great night of laughter and good conversations came to an end.
Looking forward to see you all on the next hash 586 and stay cool,

Prick van Dyke


PS Complaints are only accepted in Dutch with stamp of Dutch Consulate to be genuine and proper translated in 2-fold on white A4 in black ink and signed in blue ink color code #000A0 (earth blue).



Run #584 - Happy New Year 2016

Clear instructions from hares Prick van Dyk and Coming from Behind led us to a lovely spot off 151 Jalan Niyor Cabang.  Welcoming us were the erstwhile members of the local boys’ choir.  They entertained the early arrivals with their renditions of such favourites as Satu, Dua, Tiga and Saya kelapa sakit.

After poorly dressed attendees were given the opportunity to attire themselves more respectably, a formal welcome was made by GM, Small Ball Cock.  This was followed by Prick van Dyk describing the intended route… everything is on the left… except if it is on your right… (he made very good instructions but I understand I am supposed to understate this!)

Runners, wearing tinsel, funny hats, lipstick on the nose(!!!), flashing light glasses and a variety of other New Year regalia, set off in a flurry of… walking.  Walkers did the same.  

The absence of a shiny new Renault was noted by the more observant and it wasn't long before we understood where it had gone.  Up a gravelly incline, at a spot that gave an excellent view across the countryside, Coming from Behind had prepared a small portable bar (including complimentary nuts… “You look nice in those shorts”, they said). New Years’ bubbly was popped and as the entire group filed in they were suitably impressed with this imaginative and innovative setup.  Coming from Behind was overhead saying that this was the first time she had popped her own cork!

Once the circle was formed, GM expertly coordinated the allocation of roles and silky smooth order of events.

Scribe:         
me… Da Tird (aka Adri undeterred)

Executioner:    
Arse who gave the GM a feel of some kind and went on to dispense punishment adroitly.

Hares:        
Coming from Behind and Prick van Dyk were booed and heckled for their very average course laying and then more heartfelt appreciation was duly shown to them both.

Virgins:         
Swiss virgins, and from what I hear there aren’t  many of them in Switzerland, lipstick wearing Philip and I’m not a virgin I run every week Barbara stood, while naughty (also Swiss) virgins Gerta and Armin endured frozen balls and the dreaded pipes for their feeble attempts at trying to tip ice from the GM’s chairs.  Gerta went on to impress bystanders with her beer spilling efforts.

Visitors:
Alan “I knocked my own hat off” from Canadia, and Septic and his close personal lady friend from Engerland were treated to a slight sprinkling of chilled water.

Returners:
Bigapist, Hannibals Letcher, Soranus, Ria and yours truly, received a warm (read cold) welcome back.

Latecomers:
Floppy Rod and allegedly very strict policewoman, Old Bailey, were given a particularly firm punishment.  Floppy Rod said he had a wet patch on his pants.  It was pointed out by those gathered, he may have been more used to a wet patch on his shoes.

Meanies:
GM felt it necessary to show a firm hand to those choosing to pass up a chance to buy a LBHHH t-shirt.  Lipstick Phil (not his real hash name) made the standard and fruitless attempt to claim Swiss neutrality.  While Arse was dispensing justice, Cock a Doodle Don’t and Septic were shown the error of their ways for nattering.  Some noted preferential treatment for Septic as he was riding home in the GM’s car!

Tartan Tart made an “unexpected” appearance in the centre of the circle… she had the cheek to be wearing a t-shirt marking run #555 but one of the fives was reversed… so she was punished.  However, Tartan Tart looked well drilled in the art of down downs and came away relatively unscathed.

Heinous Crime:
Floppy Rod left a turd on his neighbour’s car bonnet… did I hear that correctly?  “It will be returned over hell or high water”, were his exact words I believe.  Some felt it was worth the crime to see his Air Force trained beer related skills!

Hash Hero:
The hares, Coming from Behind and Prick van Dyk, were worthy recipients of this run’s Hash Hero.  Drinks and nibbles on the hill were a highlight.

Hash Songs:
King Penguin & Arse delighted us all with some quick renditions of new hash songs in the style of Elvis & David Bowie to celebrate these icons’ birthdays before moving on to the well known Swing Low to close the circle.


Next Hash:
Coordinated by Arse and King Penguin, the next hash run will be held on Friday, January 22, 2016.  See website for details.

Hares for February 5 and 19… please make yourself  known ASAP.

Another entertaining evening was topped off with an absolutely delicious meal at D’Coconut Villa Restaurant (Cocomo) on the waterfront by the airport runway.  Thanks again to the Hares, Coming and Prick, a great hash.

On On de Turd

Hash 583
26 December 2015
Kuala Temoyong

This was it!
The big one of 2015, being the Christmas run, new year run and the final run of the year combined.
An unexpected large number of hashers, twenty eight in total turned up to participate in this auspicious event, most of them sporting seasonal emblems of various improvisation, and also armed with Secret Santa gifts of eye watering value.

The hares, Small Ballcock and French Tart welcomed all on site at Kuala Temoyong. One very attractive “New Shoes” had to pay the penalty and this was eagerly watched by many goggle eyed dirty old men hashers. She graciously accepted her punishment and proceeded to deliciously down her beer from one of her offending new shoes. Oh that this could also have been wet T shirt time!
The hares then started with their pre-run preamble shamble, confusing all with convoluted instructions involving destinations one, two and possibly three and parallel tracks.
So, off went the pack to embark upon what surprisingly turned out to be a nice, simple and straightforward run. Over a bridge and then along a meandering track through secondary jungle eventually leading to several secluded bays with views over the sea. Altogether about 6km and more than enough to conjure up a healthy thirst.
Fortunately, after the seasonal excesses there were no hills of note and little scope for losing ones way. Many trees and bushes were fragrantly in blossom, and with no litter or garbage spread around this last run of the year was also most enjoyable. Well done hares!

Back at the run site the circle was larger than usual and GM had to resort to various threats of cruel and unusual punishment to bring all to order. Proceedings eventually got underway with the help of two very pretty and eager young executioners, and the usual ritual humiliations followed.
The circle was then turned over to DIY entertainment and was transformed into a mini music hall in the jungle. King Penguin and Arse with offspring presented a great rendition of traditional seasonal songs interjected with modern day lunatic politically correct Health and Safety directives which made for much merriment.
Made In China performed a very talented song and dance routine from the musical Chicago, and Floppy Rod related a few highly cultured tales of Thailand boys and Essex girls, all in not exactly the best possible taste. It was subsequently revealed that GM’s mother is from Essex……Sorreeeeeeeeeee!
Finally the Hash Turd passed from Bugshifter to Floppy Rod who nearly lost it when falling head first into foul swamp water whilst fumbling his way back his car in the near dark. Floppy now wishes to sincerely thank all those hashers who rushed to extricate him from this close encounter with a stinking mud demise (one actually, thanks Richard) and a curse on all the others who scrambled by in the rush to get to makan in Fat Mums.

Fat Mums! A success with great makan and good company, particularly as nearly double the numbers she had been expecting turned up. All the food came promptly and the chicken curry was superb.

Again, well done all and a great finale to LBHHH in 2015.

Floppy.


Hash 582

It was the hash before Xmas and all through the kampung, creatures were stirring and shouting ON ON,
The flour was spread in the jungle with care,
In hope that the hashers wouldn't bad-mouth the hares,
Soon hashers hopes of a flat run were dead,
 But visions of down downs danced through their heads,
With KP, JW and Prick van Dyke to the fore,
The hill tested all hashers to the core
When up in the rainforest there arose such a clatter,
The hashers behind wondered what could be the matter,
They summoned their energy and toiled up the slope,
When what to their wondering eyes did appear
 But an altitudinous log and a smiling Scots woman,
Her smile was smug but she'd had a head start
So we knew in a moment it must be Tartan Tart,

So endith the rhyming part....

It was all downhill from there anyway!
Yes, of course KP got lost but he wasn't alone- various hashers including GM's were spotted short cutting HOWEVER when the hares were invited in for a drink the circle all voted it was a good run, most enjoyable and all that. In the circle, the returners were legion, AnyCock'llDo and CockleDoodleDon't were punished for being late, AnyCock'llDo was joined by Arse (for being a good friend)  in the Chilly Chairs, TT was Hash Hero for providing drinks up the hill, Bugshifter was awarded Hash Turd and severely punished for not inviting any of the circle to his VIP 65th birthday. Most importantly, a certain young hasher -Syamin, after much debate, was named Leechie Lassie.

Thereafter...Boxing Day Hash announced. Details to follow but Silly Santa announced- bring a 10 RM prezzie!

Smashing dinner at Tartan Tart's fantastic new digs were the highlight of the run. Great catering by Shin Mei. A good time was had by all!

On on

Arse

Hash Run 581 – 27th Nov 2015


All Hashers met beside the Pink Bridge on a parking lot close to the Pulau Langkawi. We were told to bring our new sexy coloured T-shirts – to return them to the shop. However, our GM changed his mind – so we should change to wear our new T-shirts – and we changed – not as he had dreamed about – in front of him. We should change, to find out, which T-shirts were running most; our newly washed ones or the new one just bought by Johnnie Walker .
The circle was formed, and we had no virgins.
One of the Hares, Mettehari told us very detailed, where the flour spots were and the other Hare Larshole stood friendly and supported her.
It was a very nice run. The run was on the roads in the paddy fields in Pdg.  Matsirat. We passed cows, which Mettehari carefully had placed on strategic places on the roads, and small chickens to show us the right way. Small groups of children were there to show us the way, when we were lost, and they  gave us thumbs up when we were on the right track. We ran confused around to find or hear from the leader of the pack – King Penguin.
When all runners and walkers were back, and we all looked at Johnnie Walkers arhh -  virgin wet pinki/ black (T-shirt), indeed, the colour had run out. Wash it in salt, was the advice.
Bugshifter again interrupted us. This time he demanded more flour spots on the run. He was punished by sitting in the chair and King Penguin as executioner punished him from above with lots of nice cold water.
The Hares made it well and received their reward.
There was one returner, Sue and she had not yet been christened. The unchristened hasher told us about horseholes and lessons on how to ride and minor important things about her job career and family to find the best and nicest hashname.
Cumming from Behind and Prick Van Dyke were punished by sitting in the chairs due to running with their smartphones – secured in a belt on the arm. Think it is a good idea for the future – if something happens on the run  - to be able to call for assistance or, if a lonesome hasher has lost his/her way…..
It was Larshole’s birthday, and therefore he was invited to sit in the blue chair. From the GM, he received a present - a small box of biscuits. When he opened it, he saw to his surprise that there was only one single,  soft biscuit –  long time over its due date – an old brown biscuit in the plastic box. All the others were eaten by GM, French Tart told us……..
Next was to find the Hash Turd and our GM pressured us to vote on French Tart, as she had argued with him, but surprisingly he won the Turd again,  and as if he had known the result, he had secured his small parts by one of the newly bought sweat towels. His pants sucked water from beneath by sitting in the chair and from the front by the executioner.
At last we christened our new Hasher MucArse.
We celebrated Larshole’s birthday at the Brasserie and the dinner very good …..and what a Birthday cake. Fantastic with the pictures of us from the Red dress Hash run and a nice photo of Larshole…..
On and on
Sorenus & Hanneball Lecher

TRIBUTE TO A TRUE HASHER

There was much sadness around the circle on Friday 13th when our GM broke the news to us that Tuppy Love had followed his beloved Tuppy to that great hash run in the sky.

A dedicated hasher and all round lovely guy. Always enthusiastic in his running and his down-downs!

So sad to hear of your passing. You will be greatly missed, but you will be pleased to hear that a good old down-down was had in your honour!

Our thoughts are with Blaydon Runner at this time -condolences from Langkawi Beach Hash House Harriers.

ON ON TUPPY LOVE.
Run 580 / Friday, the 13th!

Believe me or not, Friday the 13th started much earlier than on that day, so to say on the Tuesday before!

The seasoned hare King Penguin forgot to put it in that night, his Arse claimed, the directions that is. So, what happened that night that distracted him or them? One Mr. Yahoo, we were told, was part of that unappropriate conduct, as apparently, he did not put it into the right channels either. Tartan Tart in turn was very much looking forward to get it all in the end - but in vain! Where did it go?
On run site, new shoes from se French Tart and Small Ball Cock were christianed, and off we went to a well marked, diverse and picturesque run.
Wriggling around the crappily parked bukake offwhite 1987 Nissan Vanette Delivery Van of Nazrim Sukifli Mustafa Abd. Azni Kairul Shukri Hamid Moh. w.t.f. bin Omar (KV 4219 H), the trail went along rice fields, through indigenous Kampongs, along the Canals and back into the Heart of the mangrove darkness, to the fishing jetty, where it all started.
A special runners trail was to divert us along and to somewhere else altogether, -but hey-, in a senior moment the Hare seemed to have forgotten how to continue the trail - it stopped abruptly with a HA-HA.  HA-HA???????! Quesque vous dit Monsieur Alzheimer? Enchante'?!
Luckily some remembered, and so back on trail, we saw Children nicely placed along the way to entertain us with chewing gum offers (wrapped!) and high fives with sticky, sugary (I hope!), fingers. Did the bright new T-shirt lure the brats out of their homes? Oh gosh.......look what runs there!? Some aging, gay parrots limping back home, creeking and croaking?
Back to base and running out of steam, the new T-Shirts were running out too! The black color tried to flee its flashy bright, loud, peachy- pink base. Can't blame it! Except for one Prick, - that is the biggest of all, the one from the Dyke -, all T-Shirts were fading away by the agony of their being - need I remind of Friday the 13th?
Anyway, it was getting darker, and with local scavengers appearing from the mangroves aiming at our drink supplies - we had to circle up. Trying to enforce to read future Scribes beyond borders of LGKW, an unsuspecting visitor, former resident, an exile-ist was exploited and forcibly volunteered into writing this Scribe - as he did not read the last. Well, take that, writing it he will, but reading it he won't!
Bugshifter volunteered for the Executioner, and, with surprising accuracy and only a few mistakes, he managed to count till four, before pouring the icy water onto the charged heads. Virgins, who claimed to be "Double D" were called into the circle, and as suspected started to swallow too early. Prior Instructions are the need of the hour GM! We need to make virgins aware of how and when to swallow the load correctly! You can do that, can you.......?
Returners were plenty, Tartan Tart proclaimed "Bra bin disposed", however, drawing attention to her "pink backside" in the future!      Pink backside????      Is this the start of a huge evolutionary Set back -or- just plain Scottish? Friday the 13th! Need I say more......?
Difficult decision whether to award the Hash Turd to Small Ball Cock or to Small Ball Cock for one reason or the other, but in his case, does it really matter? He tried to avoid punishment by hitting himself with the turd, playing on pity. Silly try, the pack clearly saw plain, childish, masochistic behaviour in this, and with KP consulting the Double D nursing Virgin, the pack agreed on the only viable treatment: Give him the shit, Hash Turd to SBC! And so it went.....
We closed with expressions of condolences towards Tuppylove, a good runner and soul "who went the other way", - and then finally - , the hungry pack rushed off to a great fishy feast at Scarborough's.                           
                         ................ not "All" was lost - on Friday the 13th!
jw, 15th nov 2015

Nota bene: Any views or opinions presented in above text are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of anyone else, the truth or whatever. I do not accept liability for me or the content of this text, or for the consequences of any actions taken on the basis of the information provided, unless that information is subsequently confirmed in writing. If you are not the intended recipient you are notified that disclosing, copying, distributing or taking any action in reliance on the contents of this information is strictly prohibited and will be prosecuted in ways I deem fit at any given point of time.

Hash Run Number 579

Hares Maid in China & Bug Shifter


Once more we met under the powerlines amidst the jungle for another hash run near Gunung Raya Golf resort. A yellow Swiss Land Rover drove by missing the HHH sign and exit to our beloved circle. A first sign of things to come on this Hash run in dense forest and mad Chinese driving. Some frantic calling was needed to save our first Swiss lost soul and direct Speedo to our circle. Was it the powerlines? Or did we upset the Forest Monkey King? Who knows, but just before our Hash Master Small Ball Cock called for the circle the flood gates were opened and it poured heavy rain upon us. The hares panicked! The flour!! Self-proclaimed Hash Manager Bug Shifter tried blaming Hare Maid in China for not setting the trail with the right materials.  This friendly quarrel raised its ugly head many times with both battling for victory. Alas, no other entertainment like double DD (read previous scribe ;-) was present and no new shoes either to fill from virgin Trudy or visitor Sideway.The hares explained the run while the rain stopped coming down.

Off we went, up into the jungle and heading for the mountains. After 10 minutes into the run the rain came pouring down again making the trail very slippery and all runners soaking wet. Although the hares mumbled something about tigers and tails at the end, the runners were led astray by fast running King Penguin at the very end. Prick van Dyke saw 4 runners heading back to him and Small Ball Cock said this was the right way back to the circle. Tartan Tart was now behind and rushed by as if she was going into a Scottish battle at the Moors. Small Ball Cock tried to tackle her but in vain complaining loudly he wanted to win. The runners ended up in a small but deep creek and made a final leap to victory and safely to the circle. Then the waiting started … where was fast runner King Penguin? Going for more ice, swimming trunks, or as some whispered: is he running it twice? Finally we heard him complaining about bad markers while crossing the creek. Many walkers following his trail, but Sue and Larshole joined hands at a deep end to cross it at the widest possible point ignoring the hares pointing out the place they should be crossing.
Then the long wait began for our 7 Swiss walkers. Were they lost? Or more probably they headed for the mountains as they cannot resist their calling! One Swiss even brought her climbing gear. Some suggested that next time they should wear their big cow bells so we can hear where they are and round them up before nightfall! King Penguin had still a lot of energy left and ran to the road to come to their rescue. As soon as he was out of sight we all heard the lost 7 Swiss souls approaching the creek crossing. They too had difficulty to find the last right exit towards the circle but laughed about their mistake.
The circle was formed and Master Small Ball Cock appointed Tartan Tart as executioner after a well done self-punishment. Virgin Trudy and Visitor Sideway were properly greeted, read executed, and so were the four returners. Of course the 7 Swiss lost souls were properly dealt with by watering their cheesy heads. As said earlier, the hares quarreled continuously about everything, and Hare Bug Shifter went down under in the dispute against King Penguin. However, he showed all how fast he could drink beer. Larshole prooved his wife Mettehari to have committed a heinous crime by wearing a non-hash cap. No mating until next run was to be expected, was the appropriate answer of Mettehari, but her revenge was instant as she had Larshole executed - Just Because!
Speedo was punished for totally missing the topic at hand as well as “gone missing” three times in a row. As King Penguin volunteered to round up the missing Swiss herd, he was nominated Hash Hero. The friendly quarrelling between hares ended up in a unanimous vote for Maid in China to become Hash Turd - This was another omen of things to come!
The 7 Swiss lost souls sang a nice, but utterly undecipherable, Swiss song, probably the national hymn about cows, cheese and mountains no doubt. At the end of our circle we all loudly sang our official Hash Hymn. The hares explained where we would eat in such a way that we feared more lost souls, and right we were!

All but Maid in China made it to the Curry House Restaurant in Kuah and as we were wondering what happened to him and, more importantly for some, to our bottle of water supplies which was in his car Tartan Tart received a distress call from Maid in China that his mad Chinese driving finally got him utterly stuck with his car on the way to the restaurant. After realizing he had missed the exit, he raced through a car park and did not see a wide and deep water drain running across the car park. With both front wheels complete stuck in the drain and the engine flat on the road, all the helping hands could not get the car lifted and on the road again. The following day he immediately will go to China, fleeing the scene and probably to get some driving lessons and learn to avoid big holes at night?!!! More seriously, we were all glad he did not hurt himself and we hope his car is not too much damaged.

In closing, we hope to see you all healthy and driving again at the next exciting Hash!


Your Scribe, Prick van Dyke



Hash Run Number 578

Hares Cumming from behind and Prick Van Dyke.


Before commencing it is worth noting that this run will forever be remembered  for a pair of  40 DD’s matched by an equally large set of vocal chords, kindly brought along by a visitor from Seattle,  named – Dental Decayama.  The lurid origin of the name follows later but for now we will refer to her as DD……. so read on….

- Hash Master Small Ball Cock welcomed everyone and expressed delight at the large turn out of 20 or more.
On earlier runs in the summer there had been only three or four people which left him with only the two tarts to abuse, making as he put it,  for a dull life.
There was one pair of new shoes – who was also a  virgin    beautiful shoes at that. It was unanimously  agreed that despite being  a virgin rules is rules, so his shiny new shoes were immediately defiled with a down down and he began to understand what hashing was about
The Hares  Described the run mostly in terms of contradictory right and left turns , very similar to the description of the route to the venue which mentioned road numbers, rather than bar or restaurant names, making the erronious assumption that hashers can read anything at all including  maps. It was all double dutch to me.
So away we went with King Penguin apparently mesmerized by DD and making an unusually slow start, she seemed to affect his legs: however he soon recovered  and streaked to the front in normal style,
It was a good run through paddy and Kampongs and was likely the highlight of the year for the many smiling locals we passed along the way. Their normal day is spent watching monkeys and buffalo performing , and then suddenly,  just when they were in the middle of Nasi Lemak,  we came along.
The circle.
Executioner – Larshole        Scribe   Maid in China.
DD was already in full flow telling us all about Seattle Hash and how they display body parts during the run.
Bug shifter  and  Selam  were immediately called to sit on ice for nattering.
There was a lot of background noise again involving DD which the Hash Master was tolerating because....
he was  clearly focused on other things!!
Virgins numbered three: Ted Ben and Sue who were already questioning the decision to come.
Visitors - there was only DD. She was asked to explain the name Dental Decayama which  she proceeded
to do in vivid and excessive detail. I dare not print it all because we are in Malaysia. In short, she got
divorced at 40 because hubby was not up to the task and met a young dentist who  clearly was and what
is more, intent on filling a lot more than just her buccal cavities or pulling more than just teeth.
Whilst
this vivid description was proceeding several of the older members requested to be sat on ice  or rapidly adjusted their pacemakers.
Dusk was falling which saved other male members considerable embarrassment.
There were a lot of things that happened after this, returners – almost everybody,  runners who broke
the rules, and the hares punished for checking short cutting, but to be frank I can’t remember it all.
DD  chattered incessantly and was once again brought on in because the light was failing and Hash
Master needed to get a good last look.
Tartan Tart was voted  hash turd nominated by King Penguin as she dobbed him in for yet again taking the wrong route and causing utter chaos for those who were on the correct trail.
The Hares were declared Hero’s by default because nobody else had done anything  remotely heroic.
It was so dark I could not see to write this, and so I focused on the Double D’s to keep my pen straight.
 Next run  Friday 30th but 5.00 for 5.30 start.  Hares are myself and Bug Shifter

Maid in China
18/10/25

Run 577

Having expected a repeat of the last 2 hashs 'threes a crowd' Attendances our  intrepid hare Tartan tart was somewhat startled to find 18 mostly returnees at the Laguna starting post.
There followed a delightful countryside amble notable for its lack of  front running bastards or indeed any running at all.
With no  circle and down downs, TT was spared the problem of trying to handle 16 returnees and even quicksand and sandy bottom were spared punishment for managing to lose their way within 5 minutes (we can surely carry that over for their return!).

We all repaired to Shin Mei to find them shut ( but they never shut!), so while the main body went across the road to the excellent now Thai run meal and even more welcome beers, a splinter group of Dutch and Danes headed by Whining fag hag headed for Mangoes. We think they missed out and that the new Thai place  shows promise if we can get them to understand us!

..King penguin

Run 576


Attendance 3


Venue a private location in Kuah

 

On a very hazy Friday as far as I could see only 3 people showed up:

Two tarts and one fag

So that was fun -  no preparations, thinking about run, new shoes, worrying about enough beer

Because the three girls had to catch up after WFH's 6 week absence - we almost forgot about the run!

In the end still chatting we made a go at it. Leisurely taking the lift we turned to the right,

there we found to our surprise a total new village almost ready to move in.

Being 3 nosy girls we even managed to get inside one of the houses

That turned out to be a false trail but we found our way out

Being back in the house we skipped the circle and punished ourselves with loads of drink

Yes this really a total different hash butttttt  only once a year please

Missing you all

WFH

RUN 575


ATTENDANCE: 2 Tarts & a Cock - 


Cunning Linguist said he was going to be there, but like his recent scribe report never appeared!!!


We set off on a route Small Ball Cock professed to have scouted beforehand, however, not even 5 minutes in found SBC floundering in the jungle, battling through the undergrowth. After watching this comedy for a few minutes, Tartan Tart decided to take matters into her own hands and led the way neatly towards the actual path, despite having been told earlier that that was not the way!


Dusky monkeys spied on our threesome from on high as we wended our way passed the jungle. The intention was to make this a jungly, kampung run as a change from the 2 beach ones we had done the past 2 hashes, however on account of French Tart's inadequate footwear we left the monkeys and pretty houses behind and headed once again to the beach, where the offending chaussures were at once removed.


Narrowly avoiding being squashed from above by the flying tourists coming in to land, we embarked on a lovely stroll along the length of Pantai Tengah.


The evening was finished off nicely with a superb meal at La Pari Pari.


On On


Tartan Tart


RUN 574 – 21st of August 2015

HARES : Nobody

Again, like for the last run (573), no many people staying in Langkawi, it was decided to meet us  (finally 8 people's + 4 kids) to Cactus Restaurant at 6pm.

We started from Holidays Villa by the beach, nice weather, not too hot, easy to walk until the big rocks to go to Pentai Cenang beach. The sea was tight, so we have to climbed.
Many many people on the beach, Friday ! , and a lot of parasailing.
We walked, not too fast…. Probably not enough. Initially we had to go until Pelangi. You know how many kilometers ? 5 to go, 5 to come back.
Few of us decided to stop and have a drink at the Raffies. Only the kids (normal they are still enough young) and Tartan Tart with Johny Walker continued until Pelangi beach, they picked us up when they came back.

We had a new Hasher, Richard Tan who tries to revive the Kuah Hash. His name is Speedy, so now we have Speedy and Speedo… Funny no ????

We had a very good dinner at Cactus, we ate A La Carte and paid for ourselves.
Good time and good Hash

French Tart

SCRIBE REPORT FOR RUN 573


HARES   No Flour and No Toilet Paper

GM   Gone Missing

ATTENDANCE   counted on one hand


After a very wet week and with so many people having gone to Europe for rain without heat, us remaining stalwarts decided on plan B. Plan B being Bollocks to Hares setting a run, Bollocks to having a circle and Bollocks to getting even wetter.

So we met at Scarborough Fish and Chips for an 'ash Amble. This is very fitting as the town of Scarborough is in Yorkshire in the UK and it always rains there, that is why Yorkshireman (and women) are so miserable.

The seven of us set off for a pleasant amble down the Tanjung Rhu beach. It turned out to be a dry, pleasant evening. Even the security guard in front of the Four Seasons was pleasant and did not shoot at us. We returned an hour an a half later, no false trails and nobody got lost. Maybe if Pussy Liquor and Pink Pussy had have been there it would have been a different story.

No circle because we had only enough Hashers for a square, so straight into some cleansing ales.

No prizes for guessing where we ate. Fine dining as we ate À LÀ CARTE. That is not a meal by the way. We went Dutch, which means we paid for ourselves. Strange expressing as in my experience the Dutch prefer anybody else to pay for them rather than parting with any money. (With the exception of our darling Fag Hag.) Fish and chips washed down with a few beers or juices. Another fine Hash.


Small Ball Cock


SCRIBE REPORT FOR RUN 572

CUNNING LINGUIST SEEMS TO BE LOST FOR WORDS...!!!!!


Scribe report for run 571

Hares : Tartan Tart and Lin Bin Defuzzed

GM : Small Ball Cock

We met to a very nice spot with a wonderful view, between Temeyong and Kedawang.
Surprise, no rain ! The weather perfect, not too hot just cool.

The circle was formed, a very small circle.... We were only 8 people !!!!
New shoes ???? not really but the GM decided that shoes' Made in China looked news, so you know what happen, he had to drink beer in his shoe ... Beurk, beurk, beurk !!! It is a little "dégueulasse" non ?? Maybe is one of the special English customs, who knows ?

After this delicious drink, the Hares told us about the run, marking mainly flour and a lot of white paper. They also recommended to stay together because the beginning of the run was a little dangerous.

Of course the runners did not take care, they started very quickly, behind three of us walked.
It was a little "sportif", slippering, up and down.... But we did it ! After that the run was very lovely, bucolique , green and flowers, peaceful trail.

When everybody was there, the GM called to form the circle.
Tartan Tart was executioner. No virgins, no visitors, only returners.

Swiss Tosser and Johny Walker who were chatting in their language (German) had been invited to have a sit on the chilly chairs, so they could comfortably (?) chat more.

In 1985 the Rainbow Warrior sunk by the French in Auckland Harbourg, I have been punished for that ! pffff is it my fault ? No, but I am French and I have to pay for that, it's a little vicious.

In 1040, Lady Godiva, a famous English lady rode naked on her horse thru the street of Coventry. Everybody know her, except me !!!! Why I would have to know her ??? This story did not cross the Channel, and I have been punished again .....
The GM decided all the women will be punished to mark this event..... Unless they took off an item of clothing between their neck and their knees !  So we all undressed but the men saw nothing apart French tart and Black label who gave a small flash to the boys. Again a sexist idea !

The three runners : Swiss Tosser, Made in China and Johny Walker have been punished because they did not take care of everybody. Selfished men !!!
Because he was not a gentleman, he did not take care of the ladies, ok he was not alone, but he was the worst, Johny Walker has been, again, decored with the Hash Turd.

The title of Hash Hero was decerned, "une fois n'est pas coutume" (one time is not a custom), to our international GM, because he staid to assist Black Label and me when the trail was dangerous ! Yesss I think it is his first time he his a Hash Hero .

Before leaving for the dinner at Fat Mum, we decide to stay, have a drink and look the fabulous sunset which was particularly wonderful.
We started, we were hungry, it was night... Suddenly a big buffalo blocked the small road and we have to stop, he could not go anywhere.... So, courageously our GM, yes again , tried to help the poor "bestiole" to return in his field, Made inChina who was behind us came to assist BSC in this operation. Finally we could go ! Maybe, the GM has been for the second time a Hash Hero, but hopefully the Buffalo was not too much nervous.

We had a very good and abundant dinner.
Thank you again to our Hares, everything was well done, we had a very lovely time.

See you all next Hash,

French Tart
SCRIBE REPORT FOR RUN 570


HARES   All Black Balls and Black Ball Crusher

GM   Small Ball Cock

ATTENDANCE   17 and one Soreanus for dinner


We met close to the roundabout at Padang Lalang. Not really that close as we were in the middle of nowhere by a river. Virgin Hares with a virgin location. We had to prolong the prologue before the run for Tartan Tart 's arrival. She blamed the Ramadan traffic so she won't be going to heaven and getting a load of virgins to keep her company.

The circle was called. No new shoes so the Hares told us about the run. Very subsistent – markings on the left, mainly flour but some paper, four false trails and we were to follow the river for most of the run. Unfortunately these simple directions proved far too complicated for the many simple Hashers. We will come to that later.

As instructed we ran beside the river being passed only by hungry, thirsty locals on motor bikes. The runners went ahead with the walkers behind and me being a bit of both in the middle. My solitary walk/run was very enjoyable. Beautiful scenery beside the river with the odd foray into the forest. I caught sight of the runners on the far side of the river and their route bought them back over to my side. Eventually, I crossed one of the bridges and came to the place where one route split into two, one for the runners and the other for the walkers. Unfortunately no walker ever made it to this point.

On, On, crossing the river a few times by bridges before coming to a place where we had to cross again but this time by a small boat. This was attached to ropes both sides of the river and to pull yourself over. A first ever to my limited knowledge on a Hash run, brilliant planning by our Hares. But it was a bit unsteady and you could have easily pulled yourself off, even if you didn't want to. Maybe that was the plan.Then beside the river and back to base. And, surprise surprise, there were all the walkers who should have been behind me.

During our absence, French Tart and Wining Fag Hag, who had been guarding or drinking the booze had become romantically involved with a couple of young bulls. They confessed to French and Dutch kissing the beasts.

Larsole was appointed executioner and he dealt with Virgins, Visitors and Returners first. Not that we had any Virgins but a Canadian couple, Mike and Heather who were trying to enjoy their second run were near enough for Small Ball Cock so they became Near Virgins.

Tartan Tart, just moistened for being a Returner was invited to take a Chilly Chair. Loads of charges, not just being Tartan Tart but for missing the previous 21st anniversary run, arriving late, not wearing a red bra and for having a birthday a couple of days before. She looked splendid with the pipes – no bagpipe jokes please!

Natterers were in and out of the chairs, will they never learn, I hope not. Bugshifter also had learned nothing. Once again he was wired into some girlie chatline or something while chatting to Johnnie Walker. He was punished a couple of weeks ago for this anti-social behaviour and no doubt will be again. All Black Balls was punished for being a Kiwi loser (England beat NZ at cricket).

All the walkers were made to stand in the middle being doused by all the runners while SBC instructed them on how to listen to the Hares instructions and how to follow their directions. This took about five minutes. Hopefully it has now, literally, sunk in. Then the young were punished, the under 35s – or should I say was punished as there was only one – Wank on Water. Then the near young, the under 45s. There were two, Wank on Water and Ta Please who just qualified according to Fucking Near Water. Lucky the old were not punished as it may have led to a Langkawi water shortage.

Who was Hash Hero? I cannot remember. Maybe Mettehari for putting up with Larsoles water perversions or Tartan Tart for becoming an OAP.

The Hash turd was shared between Tartan Tart for her many crimes and Johnnie Walker for not being a gentleman and waiting for her when he got to the ferry crossing.

We had guessed where dinner was and the Hares confirmed we were dining at Scarborough. And jolly good it was too. We were joined by Soreanus. Maybe that was the reason he didn't run.

Well done Hares for an excellent Hash and your first as Hares.

ON, ON YER BASTARDS!

Small Ball Cock

Hash Report

Hash No. 569 on Friday 12th of June 2015 was a truly Swiss/Australian joint adventure! Minimum attendance ( well that is not the fault of the hares!), short distance, quickly done and over with, slow service and lack of concentration on the job. And the scribe report will reflect this: short and quickly done with!
The runners duly met at 5.30pm and numbers showing gave all a fright that we won’t even make a round figure of 10. So in desperation and because Swisser Tosser and Bugshifter frightened everybody with the strenuous and difficult run Mafioso Mongrel set off ahead of time in order to be back before dark - Soreanus in tow who felt someone should look after the elderly!  He should have been made Hash Hero later but that wasn’t the only weakness and failure of the GM Johnny Walker – but we get to that later.
At the last minute All Black Balls and Black Ball Crusher arrived with 2 virgins who didn’t know nor appreciate how easy a start into the Hash-Life they were going to get.
As it turned out the run was more of a walk around a hole and a walk more than a run because the first half of the distance was uphill and unsuitable terrain for running.
At the end most people were coming forward with negative comments - too short, jungle  not cleared etc - even though everybody seemed quite happy and cheerful and Lyn bin Defuzzed pointed out that after all it was a beautiful setting and a new place where no hash had ever been done and the virgins said they would come back again.

With 13 in total not easy to form a proper circle, with ice blocks rather than ice cubes not easy to do the job of an executioner, with a GM more interested in his own position above the ordinary hashers, with concentration waning  away it was a pretty undisciplined circle...

The odd punishment went on; Heather (one of the virgins) and Mafios Mongrel because they came out of the run one with mud up to his eyeballs and the other one in flip-flops with not a bit of dirt on her toes? Miracle or is she really a witch who had been doing the run flying on a broomstick?
BBC was punished because she wrecked the GM’s most precious idea of impressing everybody by remembering that on this 12th of June it was the Langkawi Hash’s 21st birthday.
And Soreanus and Hanneballs Lecher were punished for something legally very interesting “keeping a low profile and trying to get away unnoticed”. Well whatever you do or don’t do the GM takes his revenge.
But in the end even he wasn’t spared as he failed to wear a hash hat and even claiming immunity didn’t help!

Just before the heavens opened for an evening of long rain we made it to Coco’s where Swiss Tosser and Bugshifter once again showed the best of Swiss/Australian cooperation - leaving poor exhausted hashers having to get their own drinks! Someone will need to hand them a copy of the Hash Constitution!

Sauerkraut

Run 568

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”
― William Shakespeare, Hamlet

What did we think of this virgin Danish run then? Not as pretty as some virgin Danes we've met but definitely better than some hairy Vikings encountered. We gathered In the kampung in a rutty field the saunters off over jungle hill an dale on a trail marked, we firmly told, on the RIGHT. Which was true except when it was on the left. We all dutifully brought our pens and kept eyes wide open for fluorescent green numbers. Some searching was required for marks and some confusion introduced by helpful locals (not) telling us the wrong way to go. Somewhere around two thirds of the way - near the end of the loop which intersected the original trail  'twas heard “Though this be madness, yet there is method in't.”  On, on though we all made it back and everyone was happy having collected numbers for the quiz which thoroughly confounded a few retired brains.

And the Danish theme continued in the circle with Larshole volunteering to execute. He dutifully executed himself twice before being allowed to proceed. First order of business was to congratulate the Hannibals Lecher and Soreanus, as hares on their first run. They were then invited to sit in Chilly Chairs while they gave the answers to the exquisite quiz. The GM asked who got all the right answers and Lyn bin Defuzzed plus Sauerkraut enthusiastically replied then had to go to the Chilly Chairs and they actually were saying they got the math question right and not all of them. Pay attention!

Many returners then graced the circle followed by Tartan Tart for no reason at all. Bugshifter got thoroughly Chilly Chaired, double- piped and executed for anti-social behaviour ie listening to a rugby game on the radio during the run. Was this overboard? Some thought yes because at a least it was rugby he was listening to and not football.

Reminded as I am that famous Danish play's wisdom  "Brevity is the soul of wit" the shorter version of the rest if the circle is:

GM SBC then ran his own quiz on the birthday of JFK and Bob Hope. Swiss Tosser inadvertently managed to guess JFK's age even though he had no idea who he was. Tartan Tart was the winner on the Bob Hope score.

Then for some reason Mette Hari was throughly doused by the evil executioner( You can smile and smile and still be a villain) but was able to get buckets of revenge when LarsHole was christened Biermeister.

Bugshifter was celebrated as Hash Hero and Johnny Walker awarded the turd for trying to nominate the Hash hero as Turd.

Now mostly wet but very merry we all wondered was dinner To be or not to be. It was to be and a great dinner it was.

Well done Danes!

on on Arse

SCRIBE REPORT RUN #567


The Poxer  aka The Poxy Hasher

(with apologies to Simon & Garfunkel)


I am just a hasher

Though my story's seldom told,

I have squandered my existence

For a pocketful of ringgit

Such are promises

All lies and jest

Still, a man hears what he wants to hear

And disregards the rest.

 

Langkawi ...,Lie-la-lie..., Langkawi ....,Lie-la-Lie...la-la-la-la-lie

 

Having only 30 Ringgit

I come looking for a run

But I get no offers,

Just a come-on from the hashers

In Langkawi

I do declare,

There were times when I was so

lonesome

I took some comfort there.

 

Langkawi....,Lie-la-lie....


In the clearing stands a circle 

And a GM by his trade

And he carries the reminders

Of all hashers that have laid him down 

And cut him till he cried out

In his anger and his shame

"You Dutch will get the Chilly Chairs

And there you will remain.

 

Langkawi....,Lie-la-lie....


Then the GM punished mightily
All hashers big & small
Hash turders and hash heroes,
All mothers and their fuckers too
The hares they got their down downs
So now let's have no moans
Just fish and chips and cheer and beer
Going home

Langkawi....,Lie-la-lie....



On On 

King Penguin


SCRIBE REPORT FOR RED DRESS RUN (566)



HARES   Johnny Walker and Black Label

GM  Johnny Walker

ATTENDANCE  29


We gathered at one of our favourite sites, past Padang Matsirat wet market on the right for Langkawi Beach Hash's first 'Red Dress Run'. We have talked about doing this for some time but Johnny Walker finally instigated this to have his dreams come(?) true – being surrounded by hot, sweaty men in dresses.

Everyone was dressed in red and mostly in red dresses and accessories. Prick Van Dyke even wore lipstick. Thank goodness he is a front runner and not bringing up the rear.

It was nice to see Cunning Linguist back for the run and some new faces as well as all the old wrinkly ones.

After dealing with his erection (a Maypole that is), our GM called the circle. Johnny Walker looked resplendent (Greek for ridiculous) with long, blonde tresses. Although I do not think the collar and cuffs matched. Someone cruelly suggested renaming him Johnny Wanker or did I imagine that?

The circle was called and our GM stood on a box, not very ladylike for someone wearing a short skirt! No new shoes and the choice of run and walks were explained. We set off at our various paces from sprint to amble through some beautiful countryside. The view was slightly spoilt for a time when I had to follow Larshole, who was wearing a tutu, up a steep hill.

Luckily we past few houses. The long walk was a long walk but very scenic and reasonably flat.

While we were away, a group of young boys asked Wining Fag Hag for cigarettes, but she refused as she was down to her last carton of 200 to last her the night.

Another Hash first. This was the first time Pussy Liquor and Pink Pussy did not get lost, either getting to the Hash or on the run.

The circle re-grouped. Larshole, our most fearsome executioner, volunteered for the job once again. In a bit of a domestic, Matahari tried to knock the holy water from his hand. The GM accused her of assaulting a Hash official and she was punished for this heinous crime. As usual she squawked loudly and drank slowly.

Then came a charge that yours truly, Small Ball Cock had something to do will a 1977 gay doll called Gay Bob. This was endorsed by another committee member, King Penguin. They had previous sent me the email link. I counter claimed asking what they were doing looking at gay doll websites. This was brushed aside under their dresses. Johnny Walker further stated that there was one difference between me and Gay Bob which was the doll's large appendage, hence my Hash name. In my defense, I said the reason I was named Small Ball Cock was because of my love of golf (small balls) and being born within the sound of Bow bells ( a true Cockney), nothing to do with any shortcomings. But the GM was having none of it (and never will!) so I was punished.

Then came the May Queen competition. A panel of three selected five candidates – All Black Balls, Lin bin Defuzzed, Coming From Behind, Metahari and Small Ball Cock. Firstly each candidate had to give a message to the world. These were not exactly up to Martin Luther King's standard. Then some strange German music was played while the five danced around the Maypole. The judges conferred. More blatant victimisation. I was disqualified for lewdness! Just because of my modern take on pole dancing. The over smug, All Black Balls was crowned May Queen and received a floral crown and a bouquet of vegetables. Very fitting!!! Bitchy? Moi?

We then headed off to Shin Mei for dinner. We had a bit of a wait for the food and had no alternative but to drink lots of beer, but when it was served, it was worth waiting for. Their usual fine cuisine.

And there was Big Kok, a Chinese Hasher and the restaurant owner. Maybe it was he who was the inspiration behind (or in front) of Gay Bob.

ON, ON YER BASTARDS!

(not so) Small Ball Cock




SCRIBE Report

Hash Number: 565

Location: “outskirts of Buffalo Park” quoted from the hares

Hares: Mette Hari and Larshole

Scribe: Sauerkraut – in case you didn’t guess that from the efficiency!!!!!

Executioner: Prick van Dyke – who else takes as much pleasure in taking his frustrations out on  
                        helpless victims?

New Shoe Ritual: didn’t take place due to lack of new shoes; maybe Hash contribution should be
            Reduced so that Hashers can afford new shoes?

The run: pinkly marked trail through most beautiful surroundings of the Buffalo Park without any
                false trails or major difficulties except for those who were chattering too much to see the
                well written sign for “runners (Coming from Behind + Hannibals Lecher) and those obviously       too deeply involved in domestic matters that they ran around in circles and had to be           rescued before night fall in the comfort of  Johnny Walker’s car (Pink Pussy + Pussy Liquer)

And yes: there were visitors, returners, deserters, improper dresses ones, no virgins, but endless
        Victims who got punished as the GM just felt like it: Lyn Bin Defuzzed + Sauerkraut twice         had to sit in the wet chairs only because they were trying to sort out dates when they         could do  The hash (should have named Hash heroes instead), Tartan Tart because GM      wanted to see  for himself if she was wearing a red bra, Mafioso Mongrel for reasons     unknown to  most; And since the GM was so focused on whom he was going to punish he missed out on Missing 2 hashers; they could have gone around in circles for the rest of their lives if it had Not been for Mafioso Mongrel  pointing it out to him and Johnny Walker rescuing them.

And were they glad to be rescued: nobody ever before volunteered to sit in the wet chairs; and they even asked for more icy water spilled over them and more cold beer to gulp. Hey were they delighted to be alive!
Then to end the Hash circle some hash-naming-duty had to be performed; and that is where most hashers show they most sensitive and polite side; Soren, the new Danish Hasher was given the name of Sorenus (for those not so familiar with English pronunciation – like the author who as well needed assistance in decrypting this word) stands for “sore anus” given proof to the well established good taste of the Langkawi Beach Hash Hashers!!!!!!

And the turd: quite rightly was given to the GM, who had been rewarded it and then misplaced it
                Which gives us an inside of his housekeeping skills; may I suggest a paid housekeeper!
    

And the best is still to come: Dinner was at “The Brasserie” were Lorenzo didn’t make a single Ringgit but did himself proud with offering us:

Grilled Prawn Salad with Dried Tomato and Basil Pesto
Beef Carpaccio
Lamb Ossobucco
Chicken Milanese
Potato Gnocchi with lemon Cream
Ravioli Ricotta and Spinach with Tomato Sauce

However these Hares got that deal might remain a secret , but it was highly appreciated by all and everybody.
Too bad that Early Bird missed out as we all would have loved to call this a decent farewell dinner.

Hash 564

Run564

Grand Mistress - Arse, arrived eventually with the penguin and hurriedly arranged a sort of circle.
A search revealed no new shoes so that particular revolting display was avoided and it was on to choosing executioners.
Black Label and Early Bird obliged and duly executed themselves.

No virgins, no visitors.

A number of returners were given a drenching and then the
Hares SBC and Stumbleweed pointed all in the right direction.

1973 first mobile phone call celebrated by Fetal Fungus who started the run with a call

Front Running Bastards - Johnny Walker and Prick van Dike called in on unfinished business for escaping punishment last hash for ogling fannies, not following the flour etc

Dead Fucking Last - Fetal Fungus with accompanying song

Did Not Finish - Bugshifter really did not even start - let alone finish - due to an embarrassing affliction.

Confused Ones- 6 walkers who couldn't find the trail

Larshole - wife abuse

Aussies - smug bastards - cricket

Pierre Cardin award - very nice knickers to the sartorially challenged

King Penguin- for not getting the Grand Mistress to the hash in time due to slack time keeping, poor automobile maintenance and also for forgetting the funds to pay Hash fees.

Tartan Tart for failing to disclose the Hash Tartan - now tasked with finding said tartan and bringing it to us

Prick Van Dyke cast aspersions on Black Label for having clean shoes on an evidently muddy run - accused of witchcraft? Flight capability? Hitching a ride?

Coming from Behind came in for no reason which transformed to an accusation of being dry and she was joined by Metta Hari who was also dry.

The hare was called for writing the directions in a foreign language resulting in misdirection.

Trish was named All Black Balls,Crusher

In recognition of Good Friday 3 volunteers posed for Monty Python's crucifixion song Keep on the Bright Side.

Hash Hymn, followed by another superb meal at Fat Mum's.


On on


Bugshifter
563 Durien Waterfall 20-3-15

Hares King Penguin and Arse.


GM called for a circle and eventually got a trapezoid, which he accepted with the proviso that there be "NO NATTERERS". This instruction was duly ignored.

Next the customary search for new shoes. "Almost a Virgin" Graham was singled out and duly removed his shoe, which was thoroughly sniffed and pronounced “New.” it was then filled with Skol and quaffed as only a Welshman can!
The run was quite a nice stroll through lovely scenery but some transgressions occurred as detailed anon.
It should be noted that there were 4 naughty ladies who did a refusal at the watercrossing ….watch this space for an update on their punishment.
On return to the circle, several thousand beers were consumed by the innocent participants, awaiting the return of Small Ball Cock, GOlden Shower, Graham (almost a virgin) and Gold Dicker.
On their eventual arrival, another trapezoid was hastily erected, with an eye out for approaching darkness, no fault of the late comers, of course!
Executioners were Larshole and Prick van Dyke, who performed their duties admirably with encouragement from GM
Hash Heros – Small Ball Cock, Gold Dicker, Golden Shower and Graham (almost a virgin) - heroes?
Hash Turd – For reasons unknown to everybody and anybody, including the GM, Early Bird and Lady Bugger were named Hash Turds and duly placed in the Chilly Chairs. Bugshifter would like it to be publicly known that he had no part in this blatant persecution.
Visitors – Sparkey and Nimble Fingers from Perth (Australia - Godzone Land) who last ran Hash in Penang 1980 and wore the T-shirts from that occasion, complete with holes and aged aromas.
The water babies – Jaws, Early Bird, Nimble Fingers and Lady Bugger were announced and publicly named as..........DESERTERS!!!!! A particularly heinous crime, and they were punished severely for their misdemeanours (big word for an Aussie)
Some walkers lost their way and were rescued by the sight of 4 Bums  ahead: Metta hari, Tartan tart, Hannaball lecher and Coming from behind, thus saving their day. The bums were asked to display their attractions under duress of execution and so they obliged.
So it was on on to the Scarborough for a feast of fish etc. The few drunks left at the end of the evening pronounced it a "jolly good show"

Hares for the next run: ummmm......sorry I forget.
On on
Bugshifter


SCRIBE REPORT RUN # 562


HARES: JAWS & GOLD DICKER


GM: SMALL BALL COCK


A motley crew of 18 hashers assembled at what had been described by Jaws as 'The Park". I certainly don't hold out much hope of retaining Langkawi's natural beauty for much longer if this is a Malaysian's idea of a park - car park maybe!

Anyway this vast expanse of concrete jungle proved just the job for a hash gathering - shady, plenty of room, and far enough away from the kampung.


The GM called the circle and after punishing a virgin couple for being too twee by sporting identical running shoes, Gold Dicker tried explaining the run to us. After a long and rambling explanation (of which only Golden Shower understood what was said - which is in itself amazing really, as his sense of direction is nil - in fact so poor that he did not realise he was standing in the middle of a run that he & Tartan Tart had set only a year ago!!) Anyway, I digress - what Gold Dicker was trying to tell us was that there was a walkers' and a runners' route.


Off we set with Tartan Tart and Hanneball Lecher taking an early lead. Not for long! Soon the usual FRBs went cruising on by. One of them, Johnny Walker, caused momentary panic to those running behind him as he suddenly veered off the track and into the jungle. When challenged about this later he said he was wrestling a snake, but Tartan Tart said she didn't see anything in his hands when she passed by. 


He wasn't the only one to venture off like this - one of our three virgins was also spotted slightly off the beaten track with something small in his hands!


The route was excellent, wending our way passed jungle, plantations and kampungs before arriving back at 'the park'. Walkers and runners came in from different directions, so there was no cheating! - What a great idea hares.


One of our virgins, Kim ( a bloke!) surprised even himself by completing the run, as he was still recovering from multiple injuries after being hit by a truck. On his arrival back he announced to all that he was 'well buggered' - oh, bring on his 3rd run!!!!!


The GM called the circle, and as International Women's Day was nearby, asked for 2 executioners of the fairer sex. Feet all Fungus and Piss Artist quickly volunteered and after 2 attempts were given the job.

The usual round of virgins, visitors and returners were duly punished, as were those 'working women' who had attended the IWD luncheon earlier in the day.

Tartan Tart received the usual drowning, but this time there was a valid charge - putting the wrong hash run number on website - HEINOUS!!


The GM alerted all Aussies to one of his amazing facts, that on this day in 1738 the 1st convicts had landed at Norfolk Island and established a colony  - nothing  much changed there then!


Hash turd was split - literally - between Piss Artist (for dobbing in Golden Shower for his Stevie Wonder impersonation by wearing sunglasses when there was no sun) and Bug Shifter for a crime which I now can't remember, but one which was quite heinous I should imagine.


Virgin Kim was awarded hash hero for completing the run.


On, on then to dinner at Langkawi Curry House, where they opened specially for us and put on a sumptuous repast - best hash nosh I've had in a while - well done hares.


Arse & King Penguin will set the next run.


On On


Tartan Tart.



Scribe Lepolt Lun No. 561


Ah so! (Or is that arsehole!) Confucius he say 'what you call group of pissheads cavorting in tropical sun' - collective noun 'Hashers'!!


Now Grasshoppers listen to honlabl master sclibe ...


Rong  ago in the early Minging Dynasty, a band of warrords and radies come together to cerebrate year of shoat.


  Chief warrord smar barrcock say sirence and we ignore. Only thleat of chirry chair sirence us.


After naming of honlabl sclibe, an honlabl executioner ULINATOL he intloduce honlabl hares Plick Wan Dyck and Coming flom behin



Next wirgins  flom Canada ( nearly as rare as Dutch!) prove that Canucks will drink from anything anytime by pouring can of skol down throat along with shoe.


OK I give up - this is hard work back to a semblance of English.


A splendid run was set by the spiffing netherlanders, marked to perfection and with a mandarin reward for those who weren't focusing on the beer at the end and ran past the Golden a Tree.


A circle was convened and our 2 Canadian Virgins, Doug and She (whose name we have forgotten -apologies) were properly introduced to the hash.  2 visiting Singaporean hashers, Too Easy and Fat Crashing Bastard followed the virgins into the circle.

These toadies endeared themselves to us all but particularly 3 lucky hashers who received t shirts. 


Returners were too numerous to count so we won't mention them!


SBC then summoned into the circle no less than the Executioner herself -  Urinator alleged off Spring (ha!) of Golden Shower! She was duly and direly punished with pipes and chilly chairs and a down down for being insufficiently Chinese. She was then punished again for wasting beer (heinous crime). Temporary executioner for these crimes was no less than Golden Shower himself, a model of good parenting.... Spare the rod spoil the child...hmmm!


No matter, with his usual sense of balance, justice and fair play (ha ha!) SBC then offered redress since GS had had a birthday recently and was duly chastised by his vengeful child- don't even go there!


SBC then regaled with his usual riveting summary of date related factoids....

The collective name for goats - Tribe or Trip

For horses - Team

For Monkeys - troop

For Grand Masters - boringfart 


Bugshifter easily won best costume for his portrayal of a Chinese courtesan  - several of us were tempted but then remembered it was Bugshifter!


Hannah and none of her sisters was then offered for naming. She got no further with her history than her own name... From which 3 contenders immediately arose...

Hannahballs

Bride of Frankenstein

Hannahballs Lecher

She was duly christened Hannahballs Lecher.


Overcome by his earlier award Bugshifter interrupted at this point with the Turkish for Turkey - apparently Hindi - we really wanted to know that thanks BS.


More spurious punishments were then conferred this time to visiting Fat Crashing Bastard who wearing the tubes managed a near perfect ejaculation (of beer!) into his gob from  2 feet away - earning himself the name Singapore Sling!

Hares for next time 'Jaws and Golddicker'


After  spirited communal  singing of Baa Baa Black sheep and the usual sweet Chariot (SBC suggested Rickshaw but KP forgot) we adjourned to a fine meal as usual at Fat Mamas. At 2200 KP and Arse set of on the second leg of the round island rally.


On on and on


KP






Run- 560

Hares- Tartan Tart and Golden Shower


Hashers united once again, conversation flowed freely- but not beer...not yet! For now the hashers hydrate responsibility. A virgin was chosen and forced to perform mandatory drinking of beer from his new shoe. Then, all hashers made their way to the beach. A bang and the run commenced, the more ambitious runners led the pack down the beach, jumping over potential faceplant material- the ropes holding the fishing boats to the beach. Suddenly the beach came to an end and after some confusion the hashers turned left heading into Padang Matsirat. Winding through a little village, the locals watched in amusement as the hashers struggled on, feet dragging on the pavement and bellies aflop. Emerging into the town centre briefly, the group hasddispersed, the walkers lagged behind like the saggy arse-end of a sumo wrestler. Some had even lost their way. Others had broken rules and would be punished! A quick passage into the beautiful sunset reflecting rice paddies led us back to the main road, and back to the start point. Hurrah we made it in one piece! Sweating profusely, hashers were congratulated and accused, but all received a reward- a nice cold beer! Most enjoyed the run, some with masochistic tendencies bragged that it should have been harder.

This is where things begin to get a bit blurry- especially when the scribe is punished again and again, made to drink beer (how cruel!). Was it foetal or fatal fungus? (both are worthy! Please don't punish me again!) and what is this beer soaked piece of cardboard and all these arrows?...oh...my notes! So I'll do my best, but please be gentle...I'm still a virgin!

So... the executioner- we'll go with Foetal Fungus- stepped forward ready to punish with her cruel torturous methods. Then the dibber dobbers stepped forward (where I come from- 'down under' we punish them too!) and spoke their dobs. The walkers were punished for taking a shortcut. Gold Dicker and Buck Shifter were forced into the chilly chair “Fuck that's cold!” and then performed a splendid back to back reach-around for the group to enjoy. I definetely remember that. I also remember Debbie Does Dallas entertaining the circle with her hip shaking belly dance. I think Ta Darling, Fucking Near Water, Jaws and Lady Bugger were also punished but it was rather mild and involved an icy glass of water over the head- some would call that invigorating. Jaws and Lady Bugger were punished again for wearing sunglasses- a dictatorship will not allow this! Suddenly the attention turned to the executioner- who confessed she completed her “own run” because she “ran out of fuel on the way” AND had falsely accused another hasher of running in sandals! The tables were turned- “Power to the People!” and she is punished. None were spared that day...well the GM but shhhhhhhh...Spotlight on the virgins! Mark and Nathan and myself, Layla- punished for our purity and youth and accused of starting first and finishing last- we dutifully accepted the beer and regretfully the icy cup. Mark and I were dobbed in for piggybacking in the race, and the group touted and hooted for us to re-enact this crime the right way around- piggyfronting?! More public humiliation. The highlight of the evening undoubtedly was Maid in China's passionate ramble, complete with arms flailing. Im embarrassed to admit I couldn't figure out what language he was yelling in, but I was definitely impressed with his acting skills and uncanny resemblance to Michael Douglas.

Finally, trials completed, all hashers left the scene of the crime and headed towards Soprano's where a lovely Italian meal was available for us to soak up all the alcohol and sober up before the drive home. Or keep drinking beer!


Scribe- Layla

Hash Trash     Run no.  559.          Hares:  Maid In China and Bug Shifter


25 deluded would be super athletes turned out for this one, somewhere in the outer ulu of  Kuala Teriang. The hares tried their best to confuse everyone as to the exact location from their full page of contradictory directions that had us driving around in ever decreasing circles until arriving at the last challenge, an almost impassable pot holed track leading to the run site, a surprisingly secluded and pleasant clearing.


At their pre-run briefing the hares shamefully attempted to excuse any confusion by shifting blame onto the GM for ordering a last minute change of venue. GM indignantly refuted this suggestion which resulted in a dancing display of teflon shoulder jiggling and animated finger pointing, accompanied by more than a little shouting. Decorum was sadly lacking, but what to expect from a displaced Englishman suffering alcohol cold turkey, a hot and sweaty Aussie and a Lutonian banished to China! Order was eventually restored and the hares proceeded with their run directions, the conformance of which to the hash rules was hotly contested by King Penguin. Again, order was restored and at last we were off.


 It was hot hot, and the course led ominously toward the hills. Fairly tough going for the Old Timers along a myriad of winding trails through secondary jungle which required scrabbling over fallen trees. The checks helped to keep the pack reasonably together, but greater urgency to remain in sight and sound was because no one wanted to get lost up there. The trail eventually levelled off and with less huffing and puffing we were able to enjoy the changing scenery of secondary jungle and the shade of an abandoned rubber plantation. Almost suddenly and when least expected we were able to look down from the top of a ridge and below was the welcoming sight of the clearing from where we had started, and seconds later with an ice cold tiger in hand the world had become a much better place. On the trail in we passed a dead cobra and viper on the edge of the track. Now we know why the hares advised us to bring along our parangs. Well done hares. A good run.


Now more shenanigans! After the virgins and returners had been dealt with by our gentle executioner Tartan Tart, the scribe from the previous run was publicly admonished for having been perceived to have been less than complimentary about the GM in his writings. With North Korean style vengeance towards dissention the Dear Leader ordered said scribe, on a trumped up charge of talking, to endure more time than is humanely allowed in the ice chair. The crown jewels have still to return to form and function. Also selected for this cruel and unusual torture was poor Jaws, who suffered such loss of feeling in her nether regions that she thought she had grown some jewels! Next to be singled out by the Dear Leader were all women present with boobs and bras. Still trying to work that one out, but all apparently in the good cause of International Women’s Day. Unfortunately none of the women agreed to separate their bras from their boobs and burn them (bras that is) and due to such an unsporting attitude the iced water continued to flow freely. The grand finale was again the hash hymn of Swing Low, followed by marching to the North Korean national anthem……no, that last bit is made up!


Makan venue. Another first at the Jamaika Rum beach bar. Excellent  Lovely setting and thoroughly enjoyed by all.

On on…….


Floppy




HASH TRASH

Run 558    09 Jan 2015 

Hare:  Adrian De Turd


So, Hash day again!  The highlight of the fortnight for the 20 or so sad souls who converged on Kedawang for yet more ritual abuse and humiliation.


Two confused and apprehensive virgins who looked as though they would rather run away nervously joined the group. No new shoes this time so the hare, one very smart and organised (for the hash) Adrian De Turd presented his faultless pre-run guidance. His run, set from his pedal velocipede, was well marked with two fairly parallel courses marked for both walkers and runners. Only problem being that the course marked W was interpreted by most hashers as being short for WAN_ERS so most automatically followed that trail!  The course was flat, easy going and picturesque with meanderings through kampungs, orchards and with rustic views of paddy fields, and was favourably complimented by all. It returned us all to the run site pretty much at the same time, with no one lost, and in good form for the GM’s increasingly erratic antics.


First the two virgins were made to sit in the ice chairs. Almost a tense moment as one initially refused but faced with the prospect of more madness from the GM he decided to duly accept his punishment. Returners were identified and more humiliation followed until virtually all present had received the ayer batu treatment.


One visibly disturbing aspect of the GM’s derangement appeared to be his fascination for those he judged to be less manly! He clearly enjoyed selecting a number of  “pretty boys” by the smoothness of their rosy cheeks (reminds me of my old scoutmaster) and had them sit together awaiting anointment. Moving on……

Down downs were gladly consumed as part of the price for a drenching, but none more enthusiastically than by one honourable Swiss member who broke all records in making his free beer disappear. Virgins were again drenched and much to the delight of all the hash lechers the new lady soon sported a very wet T shirt.

The award of Hash Turd went easily to King Penguin who then led us enthusiastically into communal singing of  “Rawhide” with plenty of jerking whip action (hands out of pockets boys), followed by participation by all into the prancing and rendering of  “Swing Low”.


A break with tradition was the venue of the On On at the more upmarket Coco’s with mat salleh food in place of the usual nasi and makan. No complaints though as the dinner was excellent and the setting perfect.


Another good one.


On on………Floppy





Run 557 - 26 December 2014 Boxing Day


The 557 run was held in Padang Lalang area and was arranged by King Penguin and Arse from their lovely home Tiga Pulau. The runners were surprised by the visit of Santa Claus in his reindeer car and all the presents were gathered in his big sack. Small Ball Cock, the GM, opens the circle and two newbies came with new shoes, one German lady and a Swiss guy. So in went the beer and they had a jolly drink from their running shoes. All the runners and walkers were glad it stopped raining cats and dogs and counted our blessing. The hares King Penguin and Arse explained that there were two runs, one for runners and one for walkers. The run started with a beach stretch to Naam party area and then into the mangrove forest on to the rice paddies. While running in the mangrove forest it started to rain and thunder, by the time the runners hit the rice paddies it was raining real badly with lightning all around them.

King Penguin came to the rescue of the “swimmers” still trying to run by shortening the run a bit. Most flour was washed away making it hard to find the trails. The walkers collectively chickened out and took short cuts back to base camp. Completely soaked we all huddled together in King Penguin and Arse’s big house where the circle was formed again.

Executioner was Adrian The Turd from Australia because he was constantly playing with water.

We had 4 virgins, 1 from Germany, 2 from Switzerland and 1 from Singapore.

There was also a large group of returners, about 6 or so, on a total of 24 runners.

On behalf of all the walkers Mafioso Mongrel was named Hash Hero and no-one got hash shit because Lady Bugger still has it. Because of Boxing Day it did not only rain but it snowed heavily especially in the blue chairs for plenty of natterers for various offenses not to be made public in writing!

King Penquin and Arse sang multiple naughty Christmas songs and the group happily joined them as they were easy and funny to sing along. They also were thanked for a very nice run with beautiful views.

After the circle we all rushed to Scarborough for a splendid BBQ and Arse had made homemade brownies and Sauerkraut had banana cake for dessert. There was so much food making it a truly exceptional Boxing Day.

King Penguin then proceeded as Santa and alphabetically handed out from his big sack the presents one by one making most happy.

The next run is 9th of January, HARES NEEDED!!!! 

Scribe by Coming from Behind and everybody: HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Run 556 – 12.12.14


Angesagt ist ein ganz normaler Run, wo man auch wieder ein Begrüssungsküsschen und Handshake austauschen durfte etc. 

Lyn bin defuzzed und Sauerkraut „vermehlten“ einen tollen Run in  der Nähe des Café Bukit Jalil. Everybody could do this run easely even with FLIP-FLOPS. It was also possible to runthe course more than once (voluntary!) ………………………and nobody looked after the run like 99(anniversary of Frankie Boy on 12/12) even if a Dutch lady did the run almost twice . But finally she reached the finish only a few minutes after “cuming from behind” 

Apropos newshoes Mafioso musste seine fast neuen Schuhe richtig “eintrinken” (with a canofyellowtea), obwohl sich Claudio die allergrösste Mühe gab, sie alt aussehen zu lassen!!!!!!

Die Neulinge Dee und Gery von U.K. wurden willkommen geheissen.

Die Returners Sore Bum, Mafioso und Andreas (Herbalife-Man) mussten sich auch Mühe geben, das Bier/Softdrink „in time“ auszutrinken…

Die grössten Schwätzer (Chief sittingballs and Johnny Walker) bekamen die kleinsten „Höckers“ und für die kalten „Aerschlis“ war auch gesorgt.

Die Neubenannten: ROB –   Prick van Dijke

Irma –  Coming from behind 

and the Flip-Flopman  - Brittany’s Spear

King Penguin und Brittany’s Spear received the hash-turd

(UEBERNEHME KEINE HAFTUNG).

King Penguin finally started a self composed song with following words – Oh Lord one to me ….. twice to me  ….. thrice to me ….. and so on …..The food at Fat <mum’s place was great.We wish to all the Hashers a good time, Merry Christmas and a Happy NewYear.Link see google translater!(ACwdo) 


Run 555 28.11.2015


It was supposed to be a special run – since it was the 555th! And special it was:

1. No kissing, no hand-shaking...wondered if some kind of plague had arrived on the island; or was the religious police hiding? Then it became obvious: we had to give each other “5”. 


2. only a few illiterate and some aliens from other parts of the world showed up in proper Hash-T-shirt; all the others came in home-design-outfit; some better than others, some pathetic – won’t mention names, but it was obvious that Swiss labour costs are too expensive – some had been outsourced and others done with skills, love or special intentions, some with all of these.

A competition followed later for the best T-shirt; a of 3  international designers “passionatas “ Mettehari, Lady Bugger and Jaws fortunately looked through all of this and gave the prize for the best junior t-shirt to Kitty-Litter – a very symbolic 3 boxes of 5 chocolates – nobody mentioned that 3 x 5 is actually 15 and not 555; the best senior t-shirt was rewarded to Tartan Tart who despite being the busiest hasher amongst all these retirees and holiday makers must have spent hours of creativity to come up with this Hash-Poem:


Today is Hash Number 555

On Langkawi Island hashing’s alive!

Off we will go on Johnnie Walker’s run

With games and prizes it sounds like fun.

O’er hill and padi we will sustain

On on through Kampongs and maybe mountain

Flour dots, circles and crosses are waiting

I hope King Penguin’s not navigating!

5.55ks to complete

What is that in yards and feet??

Down downs galore they will be sunk

The GM dishing more than the usual junk

With questions and riveting facts for you all

Need to know stuff that’s sure to enthral!

Then off for some good old Irish stew

Where are we  eating? – Therein lies the clue!


Or did she know what the prize would be (a Bin 555 bottle of red wine? Had the prize been whiskey I surely would have no doubts that there was some cheating....)


 3. Against all rules GM decides to start the run at 5.55pm; another symbolic gesture which turned out to nearly reduce the numbers of hashers.

So we hung around for 20 odd minutes twiddling our thumbs, being controlled by another new invention by the GM called the “LIEUTENANT” was kept circling the circle to denounce chatterers.


Eventually we got on our way on that absolutely beautiful hash run; we all agreed on how beautiful it was. Only  it would have deserved more stylish marking; cheap toilet paper was stapled to bushes and trees along the way; at least a better quality loo paper  would have done a better job and not dissolved by the rain or carried away by the wind; fluorescent  one would have been a real help; and since Johnny Walker didn’t think that far (where is Vorsprung durch Technik gone?) he had to do the hash run again to usher everybody home. Got rewarded Hash-Hero for that later.

All runners were back in daylight and with the marking of the trail still in place; a different story for the walkers who were held back by chatting, getting lost, having accidents crossing a bridge (or what was left of it) but in the end everybody made it back to the circle; needless to say that by then it was pitch-black, the thunderstorm hat gained momentum and hashers were finding refuge in cars and under umbrellas; 

What really happened in the circle can’t be reported in details due to the lack of light and order; only that  Worm as an executioner was pretty useless and should go on an executioner training course as he even spared the few Hashers who could have been punished.


No more can be said than that we had dinner at Coco’s where the wait was long but the Profiteroles heavenly and some plates hardly needed washing as they were licked clean.


(and if you wonder why I had to stop here, count the words.....exclusive of the poem and this comment)

Sauerkraut








 SCRIBE REPORT RUN 554


'To be or not to be': Well the hash meeting place could have been Elsinore, but more likely some weird version of Legoland. Either way our jolly hosts, Mettehari and Larshole were definitely Danish though Hamlet and Ophelia - I think not.

A circle was formed, though it looked more like a semi circle with Tartan tart standing on her own opposite the rest of us- someone should tell her that eau de haggis does not make a good deodorant. A couple of Dutch virgins ( you don't see those every day!) gave up their new(ish) shoes to a Skol christening. Johnny walker was congratulated for his command of the English language in the scribe report, including the use if a little known descriptive noun 'Frothcoming' - believed to describe either German beer or imminent orgasm. The hares briefed us on the run and we were on our way. Larshole thoughtfully distributed sick bags and invited us to fill them along the way with promises that the nearest to 1 Kg of vomit would win a prize. Strange tastes these Danes, but then they do like pickled herring.


Saurkraut led the way over a bridge, carefully avoiding any gravel traps and the FRBs, KP, TT and the soon to be renamed Kevin overtook. Skilfully avoiding the manic feral cows, except for a Dutch virgin who with recent experience of bull fighting in Seville took on a calf single handed and lost miserably! With 5 false trails promised, the hashers were puzzled at having run 3 km with not a circle in sight, and then like buses 5 came along all at once. With his unerring instincts, KP managed to take every false trail, whilst TT cannily waited and took the correct ones. At the 5th false trail and 1 km of wasted running KP was heard to mutter dire threats against the hares; this cost him dear later.


Several hours later the hashers limped in and a twilight circle commenced. The hares were congratulated for an excellent run. Our cow loving Dutch virgins (raving bull and silly moo!) were welcomed, a visitor from the Trinidad hash was also greeted. Returners were also duly doused.

SBC announced 2 namings, Kevin the kiwi and our Trinidad Hasher who it turned out was really German. After brief biographies, the namings were postponed until the meal.

Hash hero was Saurkraut for her splendid display of diving on the previous hash. Slow down SK - you know what they say 'a stitch in time saves 9 or was it 8?'

Hash turd was awarded to KP for alleged moaning and hare abuse: TT was the whistle blower, typical scots perfidy! The arrangements for the 555 run were announced and all hashers instructed to make their own themed T shirts.


At another excellent repast in chin mee, Kevin was duly christened 'All Black Balls', whilst Mat, our German Trinidadian won the splendid accolade ' Materbator'.


ON ON KING PENGUIN










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